Emotional Agility: When emotions become our teachers

“When you’re scared but you still do it anyway, that’s brave.”

― Neil Gaiman, Coraline

How we navigate the challenges we come across every day ultimately defines the quality of our lives, relationships and careers. And if we continue to carry on with the same behaviors, we can’t really expect different outcomes.

I just finished reading this really incredible book?“Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life”?by Susan David, a psychologist on the faculty of Harvard Medical School and co-founder and co-director of?the Institute of Coaching at McLean Hospital.

Here are my takeaways from reading the book:

What we mean by?emotional agility?is to be flexible when it comes to situations that trigger our thoughts and emotions. Instead of looking at the stories,we have told ourselves a million times about who we are?as facts?whenever something challenging happens:

• Missing your friend’s birthday: “I’m a bad person,”
• Making a mistake at work: “I’m such a fraud,”
• Walking away from a difficult conversation: “My personality is just too weak,”

When we try to look at it from a?growth perspective, everything changes and we take control of the narrative. Instead of making quick judgments, we try to step away, take a broader look and understand where do these feelings come from.

Let’s take a deeper look at the previously stated example. Say you feel bad for missing your friend’s birthday because you had to work overtime. You’re NOT “a bad person”, you’re just a person who values friendships, who values hard work, and feels bad for not being there for your loved ones. So instead of being so hard on yourself, you could think of the actions that would allow you to leverage these negative emotions and ultimately lead you to be closer to your values.

Which could be blocking certain time slots on your calendar in advance so you would not take on any work during those times and dedicate time to spend with friends.

A while ago, I came across a very challenging situation at work where I had to handle my very first exit interview?(interviews done when an employee decides to leave the company)?with a colleague whom I really valued. My first reaction was to immediately jump to the conclusion that “I’m such a bad manager for leading up to this situation” and I felt really sad and frustrated for days.

A couple of days later, I went into the same situation with a different mindset. Where I tried to step away, observe and be a little kinder to myself. As suggested by Susan, to handle my own feelings with curiosity?“why did I feel this way?”?and self-compassion “I did the best I could under the given circumstances and there’s so much to learn from this”.

Understanding my own emotions; I felt sad because I am a person who really values their team and would hate to see any of them go. And of course, I did make multiple mistakes. Looking back, there were so many situations that I could have handled a lot better.

The only thing I could do ?? given the current circumstances ?? was to give this person a really genuine goodbye. Where I made sure she knew that I valued her contributions more than anything, I am sad to see her go and that the whole team wishes her the best on her new journey.

Our world is pretty complicated. And it is a lot harsher if you’re extra sensitive. If we don’t grow stronger and really take the time to examine how we feel, our emotions ?? instead of being our teachers ?? will ultimately hold us back from our values and the lives we dream of leading.