Emotions, Abuse, Work, Redemption

In my work in career transition I get to hear some of the stories behind why someone left a company or organization. Due to confidentiality a lot of those stories cannot easily be told. To help organizations handle what we in the business call outplacement I found out and continue to find out some of the unprintable things and reasons people leave a company. Additionally many independent business owners and leaders don't talk about it loudly but they let me know about the kind of bullying, abusive people that they have come across and try to avoid. In other words I am in one of those professions where I hear the stories behind the stories. My view is not to encourage a victim mentality but to understand business can be hard and hard choices need to be made. If you know you are in dysfunctional company here is a perspective. 

What rises to emotional abuse at work? It's hard to say. Some people can be petty and pretty thinned skin these days. Plenty of complaints these days to human resources are, frankly, without merit. Strong leaders, coaches and good friends challenge you at times. That's not abuse. What are the signs that a relationship has gone sour and it has moved over to abuse? When is it time to leave? When is it time to realize good leaders challenge you and are hard on you? 

Life and work is hard enough but add the prospect of emotional abuse at work (or anywhere else for that matter) to the equation of this work life. Abusers come in every shape, size, color, gender, background. Some people whose behavior and words rise to the level of abuse often have many redeemable qualities, may know how to praise, be popular but packaged with the good comes a pattern of bad. That abuse can focus on one or more people. Often it can be a reason you are fired or leave a job. Its toxicity can and has contributed to health issues for many at work, at home, in school and everywhere else. Portals for abuse can come through bullying memos, social media, emails, in person and through co-workers participation. It's powerful and can consume what's good in you. Most abuse has a pattern of control and a lack of redemptive quality. For an abuser nothing you do can satiate them. Healthy relationships at work or anywhere else take work. There is a back and forth. There is dialogue and arguments at times. It's tough but functional. Abuse goes farther and is more of a one way street. 

Let's focus more on emotional abuse at work, in business and at least recognize some of the signs and some of the ways to handle it.

One of the more difficult situations for people who are generally emotionally intelligent and caring is if they run into someone who knows that, uses that for their own benefit and thrives on the control it gives them over people at work or, often, under their supervision. This scenario applies all sorts of relationships even to customers or clients who hire you or your company only to abuse that company with words and emotional control. Have you ever been in this situation? Have you ever had to curb your own behavior in this area? Have you seen this within sports with your kids, with other colleagues in other departments or divisions and have you seen the toll it takes? 

Challenging someone's work and expecting strong results as a client or customer is totally expected. Some of my best relationships and clients constantly challenge me to be better. Emotional abuse can take many forms, including verbal assaults, threats, insults, harsh emails, shocking behavior and other unexpected forms of verbal abuse. There is little redemption to it. It's different than having a tough co-worker, boss or client. Forms of real abuse include non-verbal rejection, neglect, and isolation. These kind of behaviors may occur and if looked at closely they become a pattern and often ever more aggressive and insidious. 

Patterns and the personality of the abuser often include narcissism, bi-polar type behavior and simple things like an unwillingness to say sorry, truly repent, change and to understand their patterns as patterns of abuse. Abusers consider their abuse to be constructive, motivational, helpful, and productive, just the opposite of what you feel as the abused. At work this doesn’t mean someone who may be intensely moving on a project, pushing to clarify your deadline, work, contract or commitment and who says something untoward that they regret now or later. What I am referring to is more a pattern of behavior, a form of control and a lack of compassion. The most common victim of emotional abuse may not occur at work but with a spouse, a child, or a friend who loves the abuser and is unwilling to walk away from the situation. Those kinds of things can easily be seen at work. 

From the point of view of the current world, Andrew Schmidt in a blog for the Society of Human Resources Management interviewed hundreds of leaders and surveyed more than 6,000 employees about toxic leadership. He conducted a series of research studies to define the term, create a scale to measure it, and validate the scale. His summary in the 2015 SHRM blog concludes that toxic leadership includes five dimensions: Self-Promotion, Unpredictability, Narcissism, Authoritarianism and, of course, Abusive Supervision. In general human resources and the leadership of your organization help set the tone here. 

How subtle can it be? Abuse can be manifested in email, in person, in groups and through other means of intimidation. It may be that the abuser feels that their outbursts work, that the end justifies the means and they may even feel their tactics, however harsh, get results. Results can be obtained but the pain of abuse usually only motivates by fear, shame and intimidation for a short period. Longterm the toll taken cannot be measured and behaviors like this, unchecked, don’t get better. Again, tough bosses and clients may challenge you but their challenges have a redemptive quality. They also are willing to receive and change with your challenges and feedback. One is functional. One is dysfunctional. It's tough to know the difference. 

How long has this occurred? Although we know emotional abuse occurs at work and in different jobs, it’s as old as the human race. Without sounding too preachy we can start with emotional abuse in the Bible. The famous passage about love in 1 Corinthians 13 makes it obvious that emotional abuse is wrong. The apostle Paul describes the actions of real love. First, he says love is patient and kind (1 Corinthians 13:4). Emotional abuse at work and just about anywhere else is neither patient nor kind but instead is often quick to flare up at small offenses. Love “keeps no record of wrongs” (verse 5), but emotional abuse is all about pointing out how another person is wrong in everything or most of what they do; this is done often by the abuser to protect the ego of the abuser. Above all else, religious or not, the ego of the abuser must be protected.

Love is not rude or selfish or prideful or irritable or resentful—all unfortunate but often qualities of emotional abuse. Instead, love “always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres”. Sadly, it is the loving person—the one who loves unconditionally—who is most often the target of emotional abuse. Is that you? Recognize it. 

So that brings me here and what can you do if you if you are being abused by your customers, your clients, your boss, your co-worker or someone else? How do you know that you are facing emotional abuse at work and how do you know it is time to move on? Number one get help. Get a perspective. Seek out your human resources supervisor. Seek help and perspective. This is not definitive but it’s a guide from experience as I am not a clinical social worker, psychologist or psychiatrist. Also know when you are just being challenged to be better and have strong demands on you or someone is just trying to make you better. That's not abuse although it may feel like it. 

Here is a perspective for you to consider on this topic:

1. No Perseverance - there are times to persevere through the persecution and the pain of verbal abuse and emotional abuse but if the pattern continues you must move on. From personal experience I can look at my sports career or the military to see how many times those in charge were harsh but fair; however, if the pattern is destructive and I have seen that too in my profession it needs to stop. Or you need to leave. So there is no glory in perseverance through the pain. Many of those abused know that this means, eventually, physical abuse. There are times to leave and get out. 

2. Abuse is Often Learned - emotional abusers learn their behavior and accepting it because of their tough life or circumstances is not acceptable and not okay. Compassionate leaders and employers and employees must resist rewarding hard bosses who cross the line and fellow employees that move in this direction in clear patterns. Human resources doesn’t need unnecessary alerts for little things, little slights but levels of abusive patterns should be noted, recorded and reported. It dishonors the company and organization when the abusers are rewarded. Get them help. Write them up. Or get them out. No silent toleration.

3. Know What Happens Next If - in my opinion and from my research there are only three ways that a two-way relationship that involves emotional abuse takes its course. A. The abuser admits fault, recognizes often through counseling or coaching or intervention, that their behavior is harmful and changes. B. The abused person or persons walk away at least temporarily. C. The abuse is allowed to continue and the harm comes to both parties.

Personally, abusers will only find healing and forgiveness through genuine repentance that may come from counseling or other, mostly professional, resources and assistance. People who engage in emotional abuse need help but if you are caught in their abusive behavior you must realize that you cannot change abusers or make choices for them. It must come from the heart, their heart. That can be hard when you are hard pressed not to be the narcissist you are or the abuser you are imitating (from your past or present) and replaying that in your behavior, treatment of others. We cannot make choices for someone else. From experience and what I read, from coaching many, from referring many, from helping many, we cannot stop someone’s emotional abuse. That is a choice that the abuser must make. But we can refuse to accept the abuse without arguing or making demands.

Regardless of the choices that the abuser makes, we can make the choice to obey what is right and honor what is right, true and good. Accepting the abuse is not the way to go. Not jumping into victim mentality due to harsh demands at work or a boss who is tough is not abuse. Think about this though if you feel you are in an abusive situation. Refusing to tolerate the abuse while maintaining a calm, spiritual demeanor, and without displaying rancor or contentiousness, will go a long way toward defusing a volatile situation. If you have to quit, stand up to the abuser or get out there is no shame for you. 

* For more information also check out www.workplacebullying.org/academy/.