Emergencies Only

I worked for a time at The Duke of Edinburgh’s Award program, and as a safety measure our CEO had a pager. Today, pagers are non-existent but even back then it was the old-fashioned type where you would get a beep and then you’d have to call the number on the screen. This was because a component of the youth program involved young people going on outdoor expeditions. This would include hiking and camping and all manner of outdoor activities. The pager was so the CEO could be contacted in case of an emergency should any of the young people find themselves in some form of distress. In the event of an emergency the young people would contact the relevant emergency or civil services first, and the CEO would be contacted soon after to handle the more administrative (and political) tasks.

It wasn’t until I became the CEO of the program that I learned the Chairman of the board, Alan, would page the CEO at approximately 6:30am most weekday mornings wanting to discuss issues, projects or opportunities. The first time I was paged you can image my fright when I thought there had been an emergency with some of our young people in the program. I rang the number listed on the pager only to be confused by Alan answering the call to say he wanted to chat about the latest minutes of the board meeting and the international news for the program.

My predecessor hadn’t informed me Alan used the pager as an alarm clock-come-call me prompter … regularly! That CEO either didn’t mind; didn’t have clear boundaries for the use of emergency equipment; and/or didn’t have a clear boundary for their work and personal time.

Awkward But Essential

When I approached Alan about his use of the pager he hadn’t been aware that the device was only for emergencies. While he was somewhat apologetic about the mis-use he still wanted to reach me on his terms and on his timeframe. I reminded him of my standard work hours and that I will always respond to an emergency at any time of the day but operational matters will be handled in standard work hours. Was this easy for me to say? Not entirely, it took me some time to script out what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it so it would be received in the best possible way. Was I nervous when I approached Alan to have this conversation? Absolutely! And was he accepting and happy with what I had to say? Not exactly.

Alan asked for my mobile number and I declined to provide it as this was still early mobile phone days and our devices where not a standard part of our work equipment. I informed him that even with an employer provided mobile phone I would not respond to out of hours operational calls.

It took him a few days to, let’s diplomatically say, digest my setting of this boundary but once he could see I was not going to budge he adjusted. When his term ended he did mention to me privately that he realised he hadn’t considered the impact he had on the CEO role, he did want the last word by saying that he was operating from a drive to get as much done as possible.

This was an invaluable lesson in boundaries. If I let the procedure continue as per my predecessor, then I know I would have struggled to maintain a positive relationship with Alan. I would have reached frustration very quickly and our working relationship would have suffered. As it was it only took a few days of awkwardness and then we got back into the day to day of our respective jobs.

If I had not taken the time to think about what and how to say what I needed to say, if I had blurted out my frustration, I would have really damaged the relationship, even jeopardised my job.

While I was nervous, it was an essential conversation. While I couldn’t guarantee how he would respond or react to my boundary, it was a conversation that still had to happen. While I had no idea if he would agree to my boundary, I was worthy of protecting my time and it was worth thinking of the long-term quality of our relationship.

My relationship with Alan had a very real connection (consequence) with my employment status and so, like it is for many, it?can be challenging to set and hold boundaries with those more senior or those who’s good opinion you don’t want to lose. American psychologist and author, Adam Grant sums it up well when he challenges you to keep in mind,?

It's impossible to please everyone. The question is whether you're disappointing the right people.

Part of setting healthy boundaries is deciding who you're willing to let down - and who has the right to make you feel guilty.

Not everyone deserves power over your emotions.

Boundaries

Boundaries are not new, the phrase, “good fences, make good nighbours” is traced as far back as 1914. Even Benjamin Franklin, one of the founding fathers of the United States, is known to have said, “Love thy neighbor, yet don’t pull down your hedge.”

A boundary is quite simply a line that marks a limit!

Too tight or too rigid boundaries may lead to you missing out on opportunities as you could be keeping others at a distance; be perceived as aloof or detached from others; may even have few relationships and others may not find it easy to build a relationship with you.

Conversely, boundaries that are too loose or too open may find yourself getting too close to other people’s problems, get caught up in others drama; oversharing your own personal information; struggle to say no to requests; or even feel drawn into seeking others approval, to please others or fear their rejection.

Boundaries can be personal, physical or psychological. When it comes to the boundaries you may have, they could impact many areas of your life such as:

• Personal or physical space
• Time
• Culture and/or religion
• Ethics
• Possessions
• Sexuality
• Emotions and Thoughts

When you identify, set and hold a healthy boundary you will find that this helps conserve your emotional and physical energy. In the case with Alan and the pager, once I set and held the boundary, I felt as though my energy was no longer being zapped away or re-directed to an issue of frustration but could be directed to the work I needed to do at the time I needed to do it.

Boundaries will help boost your self-esteem and self-worth because you have put in place a measure that will protect your values and your needs.

Setting boundaries will also give you the skills, experience and courage to respect your own and others boundaries as well as have more agency – more control and confidence over your actions and the consequences.

Identify a boundary

1 Have you ever been in a situation where you feel completely zapped, drained, stressed or you get a knot in your stomach or feel like crying?

What was a situation where you’ve felt this?

2 Reflect on that situation, taking into consideration what was said, how things were said, how you responded versus how you may have wanted to respond (e.g. you said yes when you would have preferred to say no).

Was it more the situation more than the people? Was it a type of meeting, event, project that caused or triggered the uncomfortable feeling?

This reflection should give you insight into situations, words, actions, events that you may want to set a boundary so you can handle them better or not have to deal with them at all.

Set the Boundary

Identification is the first step, setting the boundary is the next step.?

A simple strategy for setting boundaries is to consider finishing the following sentences.

• You may not …
• Others may not …
• People may not …

For example:

… hug me unless I say it’s okay.

… gossip about others to me when those people are not there to defend themselves.

… add meetings into the blocked off private time in my calendar without asking me first.

It is okay for me to protect myself by …

For example:

… not replying to emails out of office hours.

… answer phone calls out of office hours.

… closing the office door.

It’s okay for me to ask for…

I’m entitled to ask for…

I have the right to ask for…

For example:

…time off.

… help.

… clarification on an issue or some feedback.

… privacy.

… feedback.

How do you feel after finishing these sentences?

It’s okay if these are not perfect, see these as a first draft, not necessarily right or wrong, they are your boundaries and you can tweak them as you continue to spark your self-leadership and especially your self-awareness.

The more you work on these the clearer you’ll become about what your boundaries need to be. If I wasn’t clear with Alan, and if he didn’t understand exactly what I was saying he would continue to page me and would continue to expect me to be available at unreasonable hours of the day. If I was unclear it would be akin to being unkind because it would have negatively affected our relationship. I may have inadvertently blown up at him and it would most certainly have been my fault, not his, as he would simply have been operating according to what he though was acceptable.

What boundary do you need to identify and set?

Let me know how you get on.

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Strong self-leaders have clear and well communicated boundaries! Great leadership starts with exceptional self-leadership.

Want more on self-leadership. Pre-order SPARK: 9 Simple Strategies for Exceptional Self-Leadership: https://www.sallyfoleylewis.com/spark-9-simple-strategies-to-ignite-exceptional-self-leadership/