Embracing Vulnerability: My Journey with White Fragility and A.R.T.

As a psychologist deeply invested in understanding and addressing racial dynamics in mental health, I've had my share of encounters with white fragility – several of them my own.

I recall a discussion with a patient several years ago who firmly but kindly pointed out a blind spot of mine that revealed my unconscious racism and my white privilege.

I welled up in shame, then struggled to contain my embarrassment with clinical distance (oh, do say more). My patient looked at me with playful contempt (oh, really?), and I had the good sense to yield. “This is hard work,” I conceded.? I had a momentary bout of white fragility, which, gratefully, my lovely and indulgent patient wouldn’t have anything of it.?

Like all of us, I have my vulnerabilities. I pride myself on my involvement with social justice issues for most of my life, personally and politically. Hearing from my patient that I had hurt her caused me shame. Shame, as an affect,? can signal to us that there is a barrier to feeling warmly connected with someone we care about. I wanted my patient to know that our disconnection was my priority; thus, I needed to do the work to hear her story and learn from it.?

This humbling encounter is one of many such experiences that have led me to explore how Affect Relational Theory (A.R.T.) could offer a transformative approach to understanding and addressing this phenomenon. My intellectually informed ideas about race and racism were not the problem. Perhaps in need of fine-tuning, but otherwise on track. I had work to do on understanding my feelings about race. If I didn’t change how it felt to talk about race, I wouldn’t deal with my internalized felt notions of race.?

Shame makes us all fragile

As a species, we are wired for positive emotional connection with others. It is inherently rewarding to have others interested in us and enjoy our company, and if and when there are barriers to this connection, we experience the affect of shame. Think of one of those moments when you smiled or waved back at someone and then realized that they were smiling or waving at the person behind you. Or when you were excluded or overlooked for a party, you wanted to attend. Or not picked for a team. Or worse, when you were humiliated or ridiculed by someone you care about. You likely had an immediate feeling of deflation, perhaps followed by a defensive reaction - using these exclusionary moments as more “proof” of your unworthiness or reacting in anger or denial. Shame is disconnection, and most of us have been taught to feel ashamed of our shame. Shame is the most inherently painful interpersonal emotion there is. Most of us can tolerate physical pain more than shame, and most people substitute anger in its place due to the overall toxicity of shame. Feeling shame, or even the possibility of experiencing it, is the the ultimate source of vulnerability.?

Understanding White Fragility

White fragility, as described by Dr. Robin DiAngelo, manifests as defensive behaviors in many white individuals when confronted with racial issues. It often stems from unacknowledged shame – a powerful affect signaling a perceived threat to one's social standing or self-image. In A.R.T., we view affects as automatic feeling states, distinct from emotions, which are more complex and blend thinking and feeling. As mentioned above, the affect of shame signals a barrier to positive feelings. You know when you are feeling it when you involuntary do what I call “the slump of shame,” either physically or in your head (if you need a visual of a frequent occurrence, watch what people do when they miss the elevator!). Being called out for acting or speaking in ways with implications you weren’t aware of or didn’t want is embarrassing for most of us.

White fragility is a form of “the slump of shame” referenced above when this happens around issues of race and racism.?

Here are some commonplace examples of this in everyday life:

• Confrontation on Unconscious Bias: A white manager is informed by a colleague of color that a comment made in a meeting was racially insensitive. The manager, initially unaware of the impact of their words, feels a rush of shame upon realizing the harm caused. This shame may manifest as defensiveness or a quick dismissal of the issue, typical of white fragility.
• Diversity Training Workshops:?During a diversity training session, a white employee faces the realities of systemic racism and their unacknowledged privileges. The discomfort and shame of recognizing their part in a more extensive oppressive system can lead to resistance, such as questioning the validity of the training or downplaying the issues discussed.
• Social Media Discussions:?A white individual engages in a social media discussion about racial issues and is called out for a post that perpetuates stereotypes. The public nature of the call-out and the realization of their mistake trigger feelings of shame, leading to either aggressive defense or complete withdrawal from the conversation.
• Interracial Friendships:?In a conversation with a friend of color, a white person learns that certain behaviors or comments they thought were harmless are microaggressions. The shame of unintentionally hurting a friend can cause discomfort, leading to avoidance of further discussions on race or an overemphasis on their guilt rather than addressing the issue.
• Learning About Historical Injustices:?Upon learning in-depth about historical racial injustices and the ongoing impact on marginalized communities, a white person may feel shame for their ignorance or for the advantages they've unknowingly enjoyed. This realization can overwhelm, leading to denial or a superficial acknowledgment without deeper engagement or action.
• Workplace Equity Initiatives:?When a company implements new equity initiatives aimed at correcting racial imbalances, some white employees might feel shame or guilt for their previously unchallenged positions of advantage. This can result in pushback against the initiatives, citing unfairness or reverse discrimination.

In each of these situations, the experience of shame, a key component of white fragility, can either be a barrier to progress or a starting point for meaningful self-reflection and change. Recognizing and constructively dealing with this shame is crucial for personal growth and the advancement of racial equity.

The fragility of the white person confronting their shame is a genuinely felt moment when it is experienced. They should not be shamed for their shame. The response to such vulnerability must be compassionate and include appropriate self-care for each party. For the vulnerable white person, it means having the strength to admit their vulnerability and desire to learn and change things interpersonally and politically. To fail to do so when given the opportunity is, perhaps, a reason for condemnation (and potential shame). For the BIPOC community, it means standing one’s ground with compassion, care, and concern, not caretaking.?

The Role of Shame in White Fragility

My experience has taught me that racism is uniquely and problematically centered around shame. Exploring my shame, as it has shown itself throughout my life, has been an increasingly liberating experience, albeit a uniquely unpleasant one. I have hurt, insulted, disappointed, mistreated, and discounted innumerable people throughout my life, sometimes meanly, sometimes selfishly, and sometimes innocently. I’ve done some amazingly excellent, kind, and loving things, too, and I have a couple of people willing to attest to this (granted, I bribed them in Bitcoin). I would like to believe that you know what I mean by this. That you know it isn't possible to live up to one’s ideals. And that you agree that this implies acceptance of shame as part of life and that humility and relational reparation are essential for healing.?

In discussions about racism, white individuals often seek understanding and connection but may become defensive or withdraw if criticized. This reaction responds to feeling reprimanded, challenging their self-image as 'good people.' White fragility, therefore, can be seen as a reaction to the disruption of self-perception triggered by confronting racism.

In my journey, I've learned that non-defensive acknowledgment of shame is crucial for growth and maintaining healthy relationships. This principle applies to societal healing as well. We must discuss individual and communal shame without feeling ashamed of our shame. A.R.T. helps in this process by focusing on feelings about racism, not just intellectual understanding.

A.R.T.'s Role in Addressing White Fragility

A.R.T. provides a framework for exploring and understanding the affects underlying white fragility. It encourages recognizing and expressing feelings of shame, transforming it from a paralyzing force into a catalyst for growth.

This approach fosters open and empathetic communication, strengthening relationships and societal healing.

Addressing white fragility through A.R.T. is not just about personal growth; it's about contributing to a more just and equitable society. By embracing our vulnerabilities and engaging in honest conversations about race, we can collectively reduce shame, diminish racism, and create a world where everyone feels valued and included. Join us in this transformative journey, where acknowledging and working through our shame can lead to a brighter, more inclusive future for all.

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