Embracing Uncertainty: How Courageous Leaders Thrive by Letting Go of Control

The need for control is often a byproduct of fear and creates major limitations. It’s often reflected in behaviors such as micromanaging, aggression, being overly nice and agreeable, perfectionism, exclusion of others, linear thinking, status quo mindsets and more. These behaviors can be our biggest fears in disguise.

We all have hidden fears that we often conceal. What's yours? If you believe you don't have any, the limitations/walls that seem to constantly appear in your life and that you are unable to change maybe your starting point for self-awareness.

In the past, I struggled with speaking publicly and being seen – as in really being seen for all of me. It was a childhood program I picked up. This resulted in me exerting excessive perfectionism. As humans, we have a fundamental addiction to control that can limit us because we unconsciously attempt to avoid judgment, rejection, and failure.

The truth is, most fears aren't real or true. We make them up! Ironically, we make them up to control ourselves or be controlled. Yes, to be controlled. Why?

So we can predict the future, even if it means limiting our growth and capabilities #insanity ??

The need for control is a fundamental human need that enables us to navigate the world around us. This need can become overwhelming at times and can manifest itself in various behaviors that can negatively affect our lives.

There are deep-seated fears that frequently underlie the need for control, below are how courageous leaders overcome them, and the tools and questions you can use to become more aware of them. These principles apply not just to the workplace but also to personal life and relationships.

Common Fears Behind the Need for Control

? Fear of failure: Perfectionism and the need to always be good, right, and celebrated or to avoid disappointing anyone. The fear of making mistakes or not meeting expectations can lead to a need for control of details, perception, or image to ensure success. This often stems from childhood, where you felt unseen unless you achieved perfect grades, excelled in athletics, and attended the perfect college.

? Fear of losing power or influence: We are conditioned as a society to present an image to the outside world (titles, salary, spouse, and 2.5 kids). We believe that this image is our identity. Losing control over a situation, group, or our image can lead to the feeling of losing everything and everyone and shattering everything we imaged up, hence the need to control.

? Fear of vulnerability: This is the root of the mask of masculinity that many men wear and the toxic behaviors that many women display. (Studies actually show women subconsciously wear a mask of allyship and don’t support women for fear of competition and limited seats.) In the corporate environment, which is still emotionally phobic, many would rather die than examine their fear of being seen as weak, or not making it to the “top” which can lead to a need for control to protect oneself.

? Fear of uncertainty: We remain in workplaces that no longer support our growth, partners, bosses, and personal relationships that are mundane and ordinary so that we feel safe and keep it predictable. The fear of the unknown can lead to a need for control to create a sense of stability so that we remain in places and with people who don't support our growth, simply because we can have what we lie to ourselves and call "certainty."

? Fear of judgment and rejection: We are hardwired to be part of a tribe, and we frequently give in to the fear of being rejected or not accepted. Therefore, we give in to things that are projected onto us and not true for us simply to fit in.

One of the culprits to burnout is actually hiding fears and the need for control.

To change anything, you must first become aware of it. That's why it's essential to not only understand these fears but also to take a close look at how they manifest in other people's behaviors and your own.

How Control Manifests in Behaviors in Workplace and Personal Life?

Get good at seeing fear based behaviors which often show up in ourselves and others these can include:

?The Antidote: How Courageous Leaders Overcome the Need for Control

The antidote to changing all of this is ruthless awareness and compassion for yourself and others and practicing:?

1. Identifying and addressing underlying fears: Recognize and acknowledge the fears that drive the need for control through self-reflection.
2. Developing self-awareness: Practice observing thoughts and behaviors, and can recognize when the need for control is arising.
3. Building trust: Trust yourself and others, and become comfortable relinquishing control when appropriate.
4. Seeking feedback: Actively seek feedback and constructive criticism from others.?Know when something is true versus feedback that is actually judgment by someone to control you.?
5. Embracing vulnerability: Dip your toe into becoming more comfortable being vulnerable and admitting mistakes.

Here are some tools you can use to help you in the moment or during reflection:

?? Pause - When you feel the need to control, ask yourself these questions:

1. What is my biggest fear here? Ask it 5 times to get to the actual deep fear. The acknowledgment of it will be the first step to setting you free.

2. What just got triggered and how old am I being? When did I feel like this before?

3. How can I reframe this fear and story into a positive one? (For example, vulnerability is a sign of strength, not weakness.)

?? Pause - When you feel controlled by someone or something, ask yourself:

1. What is their biggest fear here? Try to walk a mile in their shoes from their perspective.

2. What just got triggered in them and how old are they being?

3. Can I help them change this? Is there space to talk to them?

?? Pause – Ask for anonymous feedback via surveys. Many people have the fear of telling you the “truth” especially if you are a leader and you can impact their job. (yes another fear) Here are questions to ask:

1.????Do you feel like how you are measured meets your personal goals and the bigger organizational goals?

2.????Do you feel that your ideas and opinions are valued and heard?

3.????Do you feel that you have enough autonomy to make decisions about work?

4.????Do you feel micromanaged?

5.????Are you comfortable suggesting new ideas or initiatives?

6.????Do you feel trusted to complete your work without close supervision?

7.????How frequently are you asked for your input and feedback?

8.????Do you feel encouraged to experiment, take risks, learn and grow?

Remember, true control and power come from challenging your thoughts, beliefs, behaviors, choices, responses, values, and goals. Don't let fears, limitations, or childhood programs hold you back.?

By identifying and addressing your underlying fears, practicing self-awareness, building trust with yourself and others, seeking feedback, and embracing vulnerability, you can overcome the need for control and become a more effective and compassionate leader.

Choose growth and discomfort, because that's where the magic happens. The need for control can be complex, but courageous leaders choose to become aware, and present, and use tools to change their mindsets.