Embracing Tears & Strong Emotions at Work... and in Life!

“Yesterday I was at office. I had a packed day with back-to-back meetings and a deliverable going out. The day before, I had some disagreements with a very valuable friend, with whom I have had a very solid relationship that I truly cherish. I brought the disagreement to his notice as it was a conflict at a values level for me and I was hurt.?I could do anything for this friend, and he didn’t have to ask twice. Something about that day didn’t feel right from the start. My intuition was telling me something bad was about to happen.

In between meetings I tried reaching out to my friend but there was no response. Suddenly, this friend called off the relationship we had, over a text. The very next moment I realized I was blocked out of his phone. In that moment, my heart sank, and tears rolled up my eyes. I was hoping nobody at office saw me tearing up. I had an important meeting in the next 5 mins and I had to swallow my emotions. The pain was severe, but I did not want anyone at work to see me cry. I carried a smile through the meeting and then called my partner at the end of that meeting. I wanted someone to speak to in that moment. I wanted a person at office to hold my hand, wanted a quite space at office where I could just go and cry, for people at work to not judge me and corelate this to my strength as an individual. My partner just listened to me over the phone patiently that day and he knew something was terribly wrong. I told my partner I would need him as I got home from work that day.

I barely managed that day at office. I walked up to my cab, counting minutes, thinking I will be at home soon and I can then let my emotions loose. There was just me, the cab driver and another lady who thankfully decided to get seated in the front seat that day. 10 mins into the cab drive, I lost control over my emotions. Tears started rolling down my eyes. Half of my face covered behind the mask, I felt less exposed, less vulnerable. I cried for the entire drive back home thinking where I went wrong. I thought this relationship was for keeps. It was extremely painful.

5 mins to reach home, I managed to collect myself so that no one saw me cry as I disembarked the cab. I reached home, my eyes looking for my partner. I fell into my partners’ arms and cried for hours together. He listened to me patiently, for he knows what this relationship means to me. I cried most evening and that entire night. I could not stop my tears. Had a sleepless night. My crying exhausted me, and I guess I dozed off for 30 mins or so. But, as I woke up again, the reality dawned upon me and I felt severe pain, sadness, helplessness all in the same moment.

That day I didn’t just lose my valuable friend, but a big piece of my soul. And all this happened while I was at office. There is a big hole in my soul that I know will never fill. I don’t think I can ever forget him for he means the world to me. Since when was it okay to have such a solid relationship, filled with care and then just call it off over a text. How can you block someone out just like that? On one hand, my brain has many questions & is waiting to assign blame – Was this relationship always transactional & did I have to keep myself useful? – Did the depth of the conversations push him away? – Was this relationship too much of maintenance and is that asking for too much these days? – Was the amount of deep – honest investment not enough? Do we need to just do sweet talk in a relationship these days and there is no space to have difficult conversations & voice what you feel? – Was this relationship filled with so much care that it became painful? - Does it just make more sense to him now as this means we don’t need to meet in-person and that makes it less daunting for him? On the other hand, my heart strongly feels otherwise – my heart knows that this is a very special relationship, a sacred bond that comes once in a lifetime and stays for a lifetime - which had space for the most amazing & honest conversations – space for us to share anything – space for us to just be ourselves with our pluses and minuses – space to be utterly honest – space to make each other’s eyes sparkle. We both knew it is and will always be magical. I would like to believe that I brought light into this friends’ life during his darkest times and today he leaves me with nothing but complete darkness.

I don’t know what’s the lesson life is trying to teach me here, for right now, I see none. It has been a few days from this episode, but the heart still feels severe pain. I still look at my phone hoping there was space to at least speak before calling it off. I have become quieter, and tears curl down every now & then when I find myself alone. For now, I have decided to stay with these emotions, stay with these tears and take my time to emotionally heal and recuperate!”

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