Embracing Setbacks - Paths to Breakthroughs

Introduction

Success is rarely a straight line; more often, it’s a journey marked by setbacks, re-evaluations, and the invaluable process of trial and error. Each setback or challenge offers us a choice: to stay within what Najwa Zebian calls “contractive pain” or to lean into the transformative experience of “expansive pain.”

In The Only Constant, Zebian explains these two distinct types of pain:

1. Contractive Pain is restrictive, keeping us trapped in fear, limitation, and denial. It’s the pain that makes us feel stuck, leading to self-sabotage and repeated patterns. In this state, growth feels impossible because we resist and avoid change, holding tightly to familiar ways of thinking.
2. Expansive Pain is transformative. It’s the type of discomfort that encourages us to face challenges head-on, allowing us to open up to new insights and deeper self-acceptance. This pain, though uncomfortable, is the gateway to growth and resilience, ultimately leading to breakthroughs.

Much like Carol Dweck’s concept of a growth mindset, Zebian’s concept of expansive pain invites us to see setbacks not as failures but as powerful opportunities for transformation. Nassim Taleb’s theory of antifragility also speaks to this, showing that challenges, when met with openness, make us stronger.

This article will explore how setbacks and trial and error - moments that may feel like “breakdowns” - are essential on the path to personal success. By understanding the difference between contractive and expansive pain, we can start to see discomfort as a necessary step toward personal breakthroughs, building resilience, adaptability, and ultimately, a more fulfilling journey toward success.

Why Breakdowns Lead to Breakthroughs

When we encounter setbacks - whether in personal relationships or professional settings - our instinct may be to see these moments as “failures” or signs of inadequacy. However, science reveals that these experiences of trial and error are essential for growth, resilience, and ultimately, personal breakthroughs. Much like building muscle through resistance training, our minds and characters strengthen and adapt when we face challenges that push us to rethink and grow.

Take, for instance, the experience of a broken relationship or marriage. It’s natural to feel disappointed, hurt, or even question our self-worth when a relationship doesn’t work out. However, reframing this experience through the lens of Najwa Zebian’s concept of “expansive pain” allows us to view it differently. Rather than seeing a breakup as a failure or a measure of inadequacy, it can be seen as two worthy individuals discovering that they were simply unsuited for each other. This reframing transforms the pain into a pathway toward personal growth. Expansive pain, as Zebian explains, encourages us to reflect on what we’ve learned about ourselves and what we value in a partner. The discomfort, though real, cracks us open to greater self-awareness and resilience, preparing us for more fulfilling connections in the future.

Similarly, in a professional context, setbacks like redundancy or challenges with a supervisor can feel deeply personal. When someone doesn’t see eye to eye with their boss or faces redundancy despite giving their best, it’s easy to internalise the situation as a reflection of one’s abilities or worth. Amy Edmondson’s concept of “psychological safety” reminds us, however, that thriving environments are those that allow room for trial and error without making it about personal worthiness. A redundancy or role shift doesn’t define an employee’s value but rather reflects shifting organisational needs or mismatched priorities. In such instances, Carol Dweck’s growth mindset becomes essential. By viewing professional setbacks as part of a broader journey of growth, we give ourselves permission to learn from these experiences, refine our skills, and seek environments where we can thrive more fully.

In both cases - whether a personal breakup or a career setback - the challenge is to separate one’s self-worth from the outcome. Dr Angela Duckworth’s research on “grit” shows that individuals who persevere and maintain focus through setbacks are more likely to achieve long-term success. Grit isn’t just about pushing through difficulty; it’s about recognising that setbacks and redirections are part of every meaningful journey. Rather than perceiving these moments as “breakdowns,” we can see them as stages in a transformative process, where we evolve, adapt, and gain insights that ultimately lead to breakthroughs.

This approach not only encourages resilience but also provides a roadmap for handling future challenges with greater strength and adaptability and a spoonful of wisdom. By reframing these experiences through trial and error, we build a mindset that welcomes ongoing growth, transforming what initially seems like a breakdown into an opportunity for breakthrough.

Key Lessons from Setbacks

Setbacks are rarely easy, but they often bring some of our most valuable lessons. Each setback becomes a potential breakthrough, teaching us lessons we’d never learn by avoiding discomfort.

1. Self-Awareness and Reflection

One of the greatest gifts setbacks give us is a clearer understanding of ourselves. During challenging times, we’re encouraged to reflect on our reactions, strengths, and blind spots. Brené Brown describes this as “leaning into discomfort.” When we face a difficult relationship ending, for example, it might prompt us to look deeper into our own behaviour patterns, our unmet needs, or qualities we truly value in a partner. This kind of self-awareness helps us approach future relationships with a stronger sense of who we are and what matters most to us. Instead of avoiding pain, we begin to understand ourselves better, paving the way for personal growth.

2. Building Resilience Through Grit

Setbacks also teach us resilience (mental toughness) - the strength to keep going even when things get tough. Dr Angela Duckworth’s research on “grit” shows that people who persevere through tough times without giving up are more likely to reach their long-term goals. Grit is more than determination; it’s about staying committed through discomfort and setbacks. Imagine someone who faces a redundancy at work. While it’s natural to feel discouraged and freeze up, this could also become a time to explore a new path, pursue skills they’d overlooked, or even launch a passion project. Resilience shows us that we can adapt, recover, and become stronger, transforming a difficult moment into a powerful turning point.

3. Cultivating Adaptability and Problem-Solving Skills

Setbacks stretch our ability to adapt, pushing us to try new approaches and think creatively. Adam Grant’s concept of “rethinking” teaches us the value of questioning our own assumptions, which leads to greater mental flexibility and problem-solving abilities. When a setback arises at work - say, a project falls short or a disagreement with a colleague challenges us - we might take this as an opportunity to re-evaluate our approach, communication style, or strategy. Each setback teaches us new ways to solve problems, creating adaptability that allows us to thrive in constantly changing environments.

Lessons from Setbacks: Turning Breakdowns into Breakthroughs

Setbacks are rarely easy, but they often bring some of our most valuable lessons. When we begin to see setbacks as part of the journey instead of obstacles to it, they reveal essential insights that lead to self-growth and transformation. Each setback becomes a potential breakthrough, teaching us lessons we’d never learn by avoiding discomfort.

1. Self-Awareness and Reflection

One of the greatest gifts setbacks give us is a clearer understanding of ourselves. During challenging times, we’re encouraged to reflect on our reactions, strengths, and blind spots. Brené Brown describes this as “leaning into discomfort.” When we face a difficult relationship ending, for example, it might prompt us to look deeper into our own behaviour patterns, our unmet needs, or qualities we truly value in a partner. This kind of self-awareness helps us approach future relationships with a stronger sense of who we are and what matters most to us. Instead of avoiding pain, we begin to understand ourselves better, paving the way for personal growth.

2. Building Resilience Through Grit

Setbacks also teach us resilience—the strength to keep going even when things get tough. Dr. Angela Duckworth’s research on “grit” shows that people who persevere through tough times without giving up are more likely to reach their long-term goals. Grit is more than determination; it’s about staying committed through discomfort and setbacks. Imagine someone who faces a redundancy at work. While it’s natural to feel discouraged, this could also become a time to explore a new path, pursue skills they’d overlooked, or even launch a passion project. Resilience shows us that we can adapt, recover, and become stronger, transforming a difficult moment into a powerful turning point.

3. Cultivating Adaptability and Problem-Solving Skills

Setbacks stretch our ability to adapt, pushing us to try new approaches and think creatively. Adam Grant’s concept of “rethinking” teaches us the value of questioning our own assumptions, which leads to greater mental flexibility and problem-solving abilities. When a setback arises at work—say, a project falls short or a disagreement with a colleague challenges us—we might take this as an opportunity to re-evaluate our approach, communication style, or strategy. Each setback teaches us new ways to solve problems, creating adaptability that allows us to thrive in constantly changing environments.

Practical Exercise: Reflection for Growth

To turn your setback into a breakthrough, try this simple reflection exercise:

1. Identify the Setback: Choose a recent challenge or setback that has been on your mind.
2. Ask Three Key Questions: What did this experience teach me about myself? How did I respond to it, and what does that say about my strengths? What would I do differently next time?
3. Write Down Your Insights: Spend 5-10 minutes writing down your thoughts. This reflection helps you see the situation objectively and recognise both your strengths and areas for growth.
4. Identify One Positive Action: From your reflections, identify one positive action you can take moving forward - whether that’s changing your approach, improving communication, or pursuing a new skill.

By regularly reflecting in this way, you can transform future setbacks into practical, powerful steps toward growth.

Famous Examples

Setbacks can feel like dead ends, yet many renowned figures have transformed their struggles into paths to success. Their stories show us that what feels like a breakdown can often be the start of a breakthrough.

1. J.K. Rowling: Rejection to Success

Before Harry Potter became a global sensation, J.K. Rowling faced multiple publisher rejections. As a single mother, struggling financially, she received refusal after refusal from publishers. Rather than giving up, Rowling used these rejections to fuel her resilience, famously saying, “Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.” Her persistence turned a period of hardship into worldwide success.

2. Steve Jobs: Reinvention After a Career Crisis

In 1985, Steve Jobs was forced out of Apple, the company he co-founded. What could have been the end of his career instead became a chance for reinvention. He launched NeXT and invested in Pixar, later returning to Apple with fresh learned insights that transformed the Apple. Jobs used his setback as an opportunity to refocus and learn, leading Apple to new heights.

3. Oprah Winfrey: Turning Trauma into Empathy

Oprah Winfrey faced a difficult childhood and professional rejection - she was once even demoted from her job as a news anchor. Instead of letting setbacks hold her back, Winfrey turned her personal hardships into strengths. Her empathy and resilience resonated with millions, helping her create an influential media empire.

Moving Beyond the Fear of Setbacks - Growrh Mindset

One of the biggest barriers to personal growth is the fear of setbacks. Yet, how we interpret these setbacks can make all the difference. Carol Dweck’s research on growth mindset shows that people who view their abilities as adaptable - capable of improving with effort - are more likely to see challenges as opportunities rather than threats. This mindset shift allows us to face setbacks without fear, knowing they’re a natural part of learning and growth.

A growth mindset encourages us to:

• Take calculated risks: Instead of avoiding challenges, people with a growth mindset see them as chances to develop new skills. For example, someone who struggles with public speaking might view each presentation as a step toward improvement rather than a test of their talent.
• View feedback constructively: Rather than interpreting constructive criticism as personal failure, a growth mindset treats feedback as useful information. Daniel Pink’s research on motivation highlights that people who thrive are those who see feedback as a tool for refining their skills.
• Learn from trial and error: By treating setbacks as data points rather than setbacks, we stay resilient and keep adjusting our approach. James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, points out that focusing on small, consistent improvements makes the journey to mastery more manageable.

Practical Exercise: Shifting to a Growth Mindset

To build a growth mindset, try this exercise:

1. Identify a recent setback.
2. List three things you learned from the experience - skills, insights, or behaviours.
3. Set a small goal that builds on one of these lessons, focusing on progress rather than perfection.

Over time, cultivating a growth mindset allows us to meet setbacks with resilience, transforming fear into a tool for continual growth.

How to Reframe Setbacks for Personal and Professional Breakthroughs

When we view setbacks through a growth-oriented lens, they stop being obstacles and become stepping stones. Reframing setbacks takes practice, but the following strategies can help turn these challenges into powerful learning moments.

1. Redefine Setbacks as Feedback, Not Failure

Instead of seeing a setback as a personal shortcoming, approach it as constructive feedback. Simon Sinek’s concept of “starting with why” is useful here - by reconnecting setbacks to our purpose, we see them as valuable insights guiding us toward meaningful goals. For instance, if a project doesn’t meet expectations, reflect on what you learned and how it can better inform and improve your next steps.

2. Focus on Process Over Outcome

Focusing solely on the outcome can make setbacks feel heavier than they are. James Clear’s approach in Atomic Habits emphasises progress over perfection. Instead of viewing a setback as a total loss, see it as part of the journey. Each attempt, even if imperfect, adds to your experience and resilience. Break down big goals into smaller, manageable steps to create a continuous sense of progress.

3. Practise Self-Compassion

Being kind to yourself during setbacks boosts resilience and helps you bounce back faster. Kristin Neff’s work on self-compassion shows that treating ourselves with understanding when things go wrong reduces stress and keeps us motivated. Try to recognise that setbacks are normal and part of everyone’s growth process, giving yourself the same support you’d offer a friend.

4. Set Learning-Oriented Goals

Instead of aiming for “perfect” results, set goals that focus on learning and improvement. A mindset focused on progress rather than perfection encourages experimentation and curiosity. By prioritising growth-oriented goals, you give yourself permission to try new things and pivot when needed, reducing the pressure of having to “get it right” every time.

5. Make a Start, Rather than Procrastinating

Sometimes, the fear of potential setbacks keeps us from starting at all. Instead of waiting for the “perfect” moment, commit to making a small start. Research shows that taking action helps overcome the mental barrier of procrastination and builds momentum. By beginning with a small, manageable task, you’ll break down the initial resistance and reduce the fear of failure. Remember, progress begins with the first step - even an imperfect one.

Practical Exercise: Reframing a Recent Setback

Choose a recent setback and apply the following steps:

1. Describe the setback briefly.
2. Identify one lesson from it.
3. Set a small action that builds on this lesson, like adjusting your approach or setting a new mini-goal.

Practising these steps will help you reframe setbacks as essential parts of growth, building confidence and resilience along the way.

The Long-Term Benefits of Break Through Thinking

Embracing trial and error is not only about finding short-term solutions; it’s about building a mindset that sustains us through life’s challenges. When we view setbacks as part of the journey, we unlock long-term benefits that strengthen our resilience, adaptability, and sense of purpose.

1. Building Resilience and Emotional Strength

Each time we face and overcome a setback, we build inner strength. Nassim Taleb’s concept of “antifragility” explains that exposure to challenges actually makes us stronger. People who embrace trial and error become more comfortable with discomfort, seeing each setback as a valuable experience. This resilience becomes an anchor, allowing us to face future challenges with more confidence and stability.

2. Developing Continuous Improvement Habits

Adopting a mindset that welcomes trial and error promotes continuous self-improvement. Angela Duckworth’s research on grit shows that perseverance is more predictive of long-term success than talent alone. Those who view setbacks as learning opportunities rather than roadblocks are more likely to push through, refine their skills, and reach their goals. This habit of continuous improvement ensures that we’re always growing, even through life’s toughest moments.

3. Cultivating a Fulfilling Sense of Purpose

When we welcome setbacks, we develop a deeper understanding of our values and purpose. Brené Brown and Elizabeth Day remind us that setbacks encourage us to reflect on what truly matters, strengthening our connection to our goals. This sense of purpose adds meaning to each trial, making even the hardest challenges feel worthwhile and aligning us more closely with what we truly want in life.

4. Encouraging Adaptability and Openness to Change

Learning through trial and error fosters adaptability, making us more open to unexpected changes. When we learn to navigate setbacks, we become less resistant to uncertainty and more capable of pivoting when circumstances shift. This flexibility is invaluable, especially in fast-changing environments, as it allows us to embrace new opportunities rather than feeling trapped by the unexpected.

5. Developing a Positive Mindset and Opportunity-Focused Thinking

When we routinely reframe setbacks as growth opportunities, a positive, opportunity-seeking mindset becomes second nature. This practice trains us to see potential in every situation, making it easier to find value even in the most challenging experiences. Over time, setbacks no longer seem daunting; they become part of a natural learning process. This shift in thinking not only builds optimism but also equips us to actively seek possibilities where others see limitations.

Conclusion: Transforming Setbacks into Success

Setbacks, breakdowns, and unexpected challenges are inevitable, but how we approach them makes all the difference. By seeing trial and error as a part of the journey, we transform what could be viewed as “failures” into powerful learning experiences. Each setback becomes a stepping stone, helping us build resilience, discover new strengths, and move closer to our goals.

The stories of individuals like J.K. Rowling, Steve Jobs, and Oprah Winfrey remind us that breakthroughs often come from moments of discomfort or disappointment. Instead of viewing setbacks as roadblocks, we can use them to spark growth, create new opportunities, and deepen our sense of purpose.

The practical exercises and strategies covered - embracing a growth mindset, reframing setbacks as feedback, and developing continuous improvement habits - provide tools to approach setbacks constructively. When we view challenges as opportunities to learn and grow, we develop a positive, resilient mindset that sees possibility where others may see only obstacles.

So, the next time you face a setback, ask yourself: How can I use this moment as a breakthrough? What can I learn, and how will it bring me closer to my goals? In embracing trial and error, we gain not only the tools to succeed but the mindset to thrive.

All the best in your endeavours!

Frank Choy

27 October 2024

Recommended Reading

"The Only Constant" by Najwa Zebian - introduces the concept of “contractive” versus “expansive” pain, guiding readers to embrace transformative, growth-oriented discomfort rather than staying stuck in limiting pain.

"Mindset: The New Psychology of Success" by Carol S. Dweck - A foundational book on growth mindset, showing how our beliefs about our abilities can shape our responses to challenges.

"Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance" by Angela Duckworth - explores the importance of perseverance and passion in overcoming obstacles and achieving long-term goals.

"Rising Strong" by Brené Brown - delves into resilience and how to “rise strong” after setbacks, with a focus on vulnerability and self-compassion.

"Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones" by James Clear - emphasises the power of small, consistent habits and how they build resilience and adaptability over time.

"Antifragile: Things That Gain from Disorder" by Nassim Nicholas Taleb - introduces the concept of “antifragility” - how some people and systems grow stronger from stress and adversity.

"The Obstacle Is the Way: The Timeless Art of Turning Trials into Triumph" by Ryan Holiday - Drawing from Stoic philosophy, Holiday explores how challenges can become pathways to personal growth.

"Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy" by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant - insights into building resilience and finding purpose after difficult life events.

"Failing Forward: Turning Mistakes into Stepping Stones for Success" by John C. Maxwell -teaches how to view mistakes as learning opportunities, emphasizing that failure is a part of progress.

"The Happiness Advantage: How a Positive Brain Fuels Success in Work and Life" by Shawn Achor - explains how a positive mindset and resilience can help us overcome setbacks and create lasting success.