Embracing Paradox: Lessons on Love and Inner Conflict from Catullus

One of the most compelling aspects of Catullus’s poetry is its raw honesty. In just a few lines, Odi et Amo captures a deeply familiar feeling: the simultaneous experience of love and hate. Catullus asks a question so many of us grapple with—why do we feel contradictory emotions so intensely, often for the same person or experience? His answer is simple yet haunting: “I don’t know, but I feel it happening, and I am tortured.”

Odi et amo by Gaius Valerius Catullus | V2Melody

Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.

Translation:

I hate and I love. Why do I do this, perhaps you ask?
I don’t know, but I feel it happening, and I am tortured.        

This brief poem speaks directly to the heart of what it means to be human. Let's dive into its wisdom and consider how it might inform our approach to emotional well-being and mindfulness.

1. Accepting Complexity in Emotions

• Emotions rarely come in neat, separated forms. Love, for instance, can bring joy and pain simultaneously. By acknowledging that conflicting feelings often coexist, we free ourselves from needing everything to be "resolved."
• Reflection: Rather than forcing yourself to “choose” between emotions, try observing them without judgment. Allow the conflicting feelings to coexist, knowing they don’t make you “irrational”—they make you human.

2. Finding Freedom in Not Knowing

• Catullus confesses his inability to explain his emotions: “Why do I do this? I don’t know.” This line is a reminder that not all feelings have clear answers.
• Accepting that some emotions defy logic can be freeing. Instead of wrestling to understand or label every feeling, we can find peace in simply feeling.

3. Exploring Self-Compassion in Conflict

• The poet’s words about feeling “tortured” remind us of the inner pain that often accompanies emotional conflict. For many, being kind to themselves during such turmoil feels almost impossible.
• When you're caught in a similar inner struggle, consider treating yourself with the same compassion you would offer a friend. Instead of trying to “solve” the emotions, practice holding space for them, recognizing the courage it takes to feel so deeply.

4. The Paradox of Relationships

• Catullus’s poem resonates because love often does evoke a paradox. We love deeply, and yet we may feel anger, frustration, or doubt in that same space. This paradox is natural; it’s a testament to the vulnerability we embrace when we open our hearts.
• Thought: Paradoxes in love aren’t flaws; they’re signs of life’s complexity. By acknowledging these contradictions, we can cultivate a more compassionate, realistic perspective on our relationships.

A Gentle Mindfulness Practice for Emotional Complexity

The next time you find yourself wrestling with conflicting emotions, try this simple exercise:

• Pause and breathe deeply for a few moments.
• Acknowledge each feeling without judgment. If you feel both love and resentment, name them both silently.
• Reflect on what each feeling might be trying to tell you, knowing that you don’t need to “resolve” them.
• Release the need for a perfect understanding and hold the feelings gently, like a part of yourself in need of compassion.

By allowing ourselves to sit with opposing emotions, we can find greater acceptance, self-understanding, and inner peace.

“I hate and I love. Why do I do this, perhaps you ask? I don’t know, but I feel it happening, and I am tortured.” — Catullus

Emotional complexity doesn’t require answers. It requires compassion.

Odi et amo by Gaius Valerius Catullus | V2Melody

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