Embracing our fear - the relationship between fear & growth

We all have fears that hold us back in our work and personal life. Our predominant fears play out in diverse ways between us, yet we all have them. Some people are just better at hiding theirs than others.

We fear the unknown.

We fear failure.

We fear not being liked by others and being rejected.

We fear not being good enough.

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Our fears frequently underpin many of the unhelpful thinking patterns we hold. But when they align with the critical messages that we absorb from others they can hold us back. Understanding and untangling how our fears influence our thinking, emotions and behaviour is key to living our best life.

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I wonder how you manage your relationship with fear?

• When do you suppress your fear and pretend it does not exist?
• When do you believe your fear?
• How frequently are you overwhelmed and are immobilised by your fear?
• When do you use fear as a reason to not move forward?
• When and how do you process fear well?
• When do you take fear as a sign that you are ready to step out of your comfort zone?
• When do you befriend your fear?
• When do you use fear to propel you forward?

I frequently enact life changes before I am 100% ready to move forward. In order to do this, it has meant I have had to develop a sophisticated relationship with my fears. I have learnt the best way to gain self-belief and enact purposeful change is to step out of my comfort zone frequently.

BUT… this does not mean I have not felt fear so strongly in my body that I have felt paralysed at times. I have. There are moments where I have felt overwhelmed at the prospect of change. Where I have stuck my head in the sand and avoided making tough life decisions, or shifts even though I felt the urge for change internally. This is all normal.

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Our fears represent when we are stepping outside of our safety zone. From an evolutionary perspective as humans, we have a negative bias which means we direct our attention to what could go wrong. Our fears form an important part of our internal protective mechanism. They are designed to help us keep us safe. However, in our modern world our fears are predominately related to our relationships, our status, achievement, money, or failure. Most of us are tremendously privileged to not be exposed to physical threats to our safety.

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I have learnt to not be overwhelmed by my fear of the unknown, of failing, of not being good enough, or not being liked.

I fear being in the exact same place next year as I am now.

I feel proud that I have taken the leap of faith over the years to action changes that have both scared and excited me. Such as:

1.???? Accepting bigger more complex jobs before I felt ready - I was frequently headhunted for exciting leadership opportunities

2.???? Moving to live overseas in London by myself

3.???? Moving cities within Australia

4.???? Stepping back from relationships that on the surface looked fulfilling, however they did not serve me as I felt I could not be my authentic self

5.???? Establishing my own successful executive coaching and leadership consulting business during the COVID pandemic and lockdown.

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What have you actioned that you are proud of despite feeling deep trepidation within your bones?

What positive change took place as a result of your courage to step out of your comfort zone?

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Below is a simple 4 step process I share with my executive coaching clients to help them process their fears and support purposeful change:

1.???? Notice the feeling - name it

2.???? Accept the feeling & allow it to be present – our feelings typically last 90 seconds, however we struggle to sit with them that long. We can write them down to explore what they are telling us, or take multiple deep breaths to release them.

3.???? Neutralise the feeling or thought – we can thank our mind for attempting to keep us safe and know our feelings, or fears are like clouds in the sky. They pass.

4.???? Take values-directed action – this might mean telling someone how we feel to help identify a solution to help us, or taking one small step forward.

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During my childhood in the 1980s I was fortunate enough to grow up listening to Dr Wayne Dyer on cassette (!). He was a US psychologist at the forefront of the positive psychology movement. Regarding our fears he used to say:

1.???? What is the worst thing that could happen if your fear came true? What could you do if that occurred? (Note: having a mental back up plan for the worst-case scenario has helped me be courageous)

2.???? How can you act as if you already have the knowledge, or experience to do what you fear most??

The braver I get, the luckier I become - Glennon Doyle

To be braver, we are required to hold our fear in one hand and our excitement in the other, then walk forward together with hope. Taking small, but courageous steps.

May your current decisions reflect your hopes, not your fears.

Are your fears are negatively impacting your self-belief, or courage in taking that next big leadership role? Or are they holding you back from making a significant life change? If so, then my psychological executive coaching approach might be a good fit for you – read more below, or reach out for a virtual chat:

https://www.thrivingpeopleconsulting.com/coaching/

Rebecca Christianson

Founder & Director – Thriving People Consulting