Embracing Joy Once Again

Last night, I watched with joy as Victoria and her choir performed songs from "Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat." As I saw the joy in her singing and dancing, memories of those songs came back to me when I performed them 40 years ago. And the same joy came over me.

That's when I realized ... I've been running my life all wrong. 

I've been worried so much about the next bill, about the bill I can't pay, about a place to stay ... about a future that isn't controlled by anyone, that I lost every ounce of joy I had. 

I lost the joy of my wife and my family. I lost the joy of the people I once worked with. I lost joy at doing my own work. Of making people laugh.

Instead, it was replaced by a manic race to make as much money as possible. To worry about every dime spent and every hour not sitting at the keyboard working to make a replacement dime. 

Rather than socializing or networking, I was worried about making money. Rather than relaxing or meditating, I was worried about making money. Rather than spending time telling my wife and kids how much I loved them and enjoyed being with them, I was worried about making money.

I screwed up, badly. I reprogrammed my brain to the point any joy that did come through was quickly extinguished. Because no matter what opportunities were presented to me, it was never enough.

I am going to get my joy back. Today. Not after I'm done reaching my financial goals. Not after I found a place to live. Today. It can't wait any longer.

I start reconfiguring my synapses today. I stop worrying about every dime today. I embrace my family today, even though I am not with them all the time. I embrace the fact I am alive today.

I embrace joy.