Embracing Forgiveness: Healing the Pain I've Caused in My Life

Do you remember the first time you realized you were depressed?

For me, I had no idea because I was so used to just getting up and going with the flow of life.

On the outside, I was this vibrant and outgoing person, but behind closed doors, I was the exact opposite. I would put on a smile for others to see, but those closest to me witnessed something different. Some days I’d go without showering. I barely ate and spent most of my time in the gym working out. I was frail and fit but not necessarily healthy. I did things because I had to or because others expected it from me. But I never quite questioned what I wanted to do or who I wanted to become.

My smile was forced, and my default facial expression was a resting bitch face. My hair was constantly falling out; it felt like no matter what product I used or style I tried, nothing worked. Here I was, a hairstylist growing everyone’s hair but my own. My hair barely grew three inches before it fell right off again. Defeated, I cut it off, vowing to just keep it short and allowing myself to be free from the shame of it all.

How can depression creep up on me? I was strong-minded, determined, and had everything it took to make it in life.

But for some reason, I was always in a bad mood and easily agitated. I didn't realize I was the reason for most of my altercations, and I couldn’t see the other person's point of view because I was “always right” according to my mind. I was unwilling to lose an argument or allow myself to be defeated. I always had to find a way to prove my case. I was unhappy at home and work, and I was too ashamed or unaware to tie it to depression. After all, I lived in a beautiful apartment. I made a decent salary at the time, and we had enough money to enjoy fun vacations and frequent outings. Someone looking in would say I was lucky, but in my mind, I felt trapped. I felt like I wasn't living the life I desired. So, instead of slowing down, I did more. I put in more hours at work, spent a lot of time volunteering on fashion projects, planning events, and focusing more on achievements than anything else in my life. I started going to the masque instead of church because that’s what my partner did. I always went along with the flow, never quite asking myself if the life I was living aligned with the person I wanted to become. After all, I was young, beautiful, and living my best life. Weekends were all about club life, and on weekdays, we went back to work.

What I didn’t realize was that depression would follow me for many years to come, and it wasn’t until my early 30s that I started to acknowledge that I was going through something deep. My happiness was determined by milestones in my life, and I could see the effect it had on my relationships with others. Also, as you get older, you start to look at life differently, especially when kids are involved. I found myself in my old patterns, and seldom did I experience true joy in my life. For once, I realized that I played a major role in each situation, and it was time for me to make a change. At this point, I openly acknowledged that I was depressed and severely burnt out. One of the revelations came to me when I was re-reading entries in my journal. The stories were similar, and the anger felt too familiar. I had gotten to the point where I was writing the same sad stories over and over again. I barely read anything about happiness in my journal. I mean, they were there, but most mornings (that’s when I typically wrote) were filled with sadness, a plea to God to help me with my life, and a reminder to myself that I was broken. It was during this moment that I realized that something had to change. I wasn’t about to live the next 10 years of my life writing the same sad stories and going around feeling sorry for myself. I was convinced I too could be happy regardless of my circumstances and was ready to do the work.

I’m still doing the work as I write this piece here. I’m learning how to forgive myself for the way I treated my family, my child, my significant other, my friends, close loved ones, and most importantly myself. I let my depression hold so much anger in me that I became the person I never wanted to become. Sometimes I relive those moments in my head, and it makes me sick to my stomach. But, I learned recently that we cannot be mad at ourselves for the things that we have done in the past. The most important thing is that once you recognize your faults, you find a way to forgive yourself and not repeat those behaviors once again. After all, no one is perfect, and sometimes we unknowingly hurt ourselves and others when life seems to be throwing us upside down.

I thought forgiving others was hard, but self-forgiveness is a beast.

No one wants to admit when they are wrong, and no one wants to relive old trauma. But, self-forgiveness is important if we want to grow and create a life that we can be proud of. As I walk on this journey of forgiveness, I remind myself that some days are a bit harder than others, but this too shall pass. I recognize that life will come with its ups and downs, and as much as we think we can eliminate hardships, that’s impossible. We are all intertwined with nature. Some seasons will be gloomy, and others will be filled with so much joy we won’t know what to do with it. Like the trees that change in between seasons, we too are perfect. As long as you stand on a grounded foundation you will blossom into something even greater.

What’s most important is the level of grace you give yourself and others.