Embracing Failure: Unveiling Success Through Setbacks
Without the skills to support oneself and bounce back from tolerable stress, a minor setback at work or failure of a transient relationship can seem devastating to a young adult. Can resilience from life’s stressors be inculcated at young age? As the old adage goes, “failure is the mother of success”. A/Prof Daniel Fung discusses this concept and how we can help our loved ones build resistance through sports and games.
This article is adapted from the transcript of episode 4 of our podcast Mindful Dialogues “How Failure Builds Resilience in Youth” with guest Nicole Tay and host medical social worker Lee Kai Yi.
Daniel:
In traumatic stress, the approach has got to be about how you can support the individual. Whereas tolerable and good stress is what we deal with. And if you need some support, it's still helpful to be able to talk to someone when something very bad has happened to you and you want to be able to share it. Resilience is linked to that. The term resilience is actually a physics term, like stress. What it means is the ability to sort of bounce back from something that stresses you and that bouncing back is actually building resilience and allowing you to become stronger as a result.
So failure is a tolerable stress and one has to experience it. And unfortunately, today in life, because families are small, parents tend to create scenarios where, you know, failure is minimised or even totally absent. So with the absence of failure, there isn't tolerable stress. It becomes just stress and then potentially even turning into traumatic stress. Imagine if you have never felt any stress in your life until you're young adult working, for example, it would be quite tough for you.
Kai Yi:
How do you think we can build resilience through the tolerable stress? To help us prep us for a time where we might need resilience.
Daniel:
We need to engineer failure. Where's the best place to engineer failure in school? Sports, or games. That's where you can do it because you know you might lose all the time, and that's just on the balance of probabilities. You might win more than you lose but sometimes you might leave losing depending on where you are and but losing in a game is still a game and that's a great place to start.
Kai Yi:
Nicole, can you share about your own experience of maybe failures or how you build your own resilience or how your parents, what do they talk to you about resilience?
Nicole:
I think failure is really common and it's really important. When you fall down as a child, you need to be able to get back up on your own. Yes, your parents can support you from a distance. But I think resilience is really just building what you have, and it really changes your outtake on life after that.
For me personally, when my sister was younger, she was diagnosed with epilepsy. When I was 13 or 14, my sister was 10 or 11, she had to go for a major operation where a part of her brain was taken out. So I think that's why family was so important for us, because for me, like it was a big stress, but we were able to go through it because we were all there for one another. And I think we have a really good support system around each other and that really helped a lot throughout that whole experience.
Daniel:
About what Nicole just said about the support systems, I think support systems are critical in managing even potentially traumatic stress. Sometimes it's also important to have regularity or what I call routines.
When you're having a difficult thing like you have to be hospitalised or you go for surgery, some continuation of that routine in life is important. So if you're working or studying, you should continue doing it. And I think that helps to create a certain level of support for that individual so that you don't feel like you’re totally isolated.
How To Achieve Success Through Setbacks
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Experiencing tolerable stress, such as failure, is essential for developing resilience. Without encountering failure, individuals might not learn to cope effectively with stress later in life.
Strong support systems are crucial in managing stress and overcoming setbacks. Support from family, friends, or mentors can help individuals navigate difficult times and build resilience.
Failure can be intentionally introduced in safe environments, such as through sports or games in school. These controlled failures teach individuals how to cope with loss and disappointment in a constructive manner.
Personal experiences of dealing with significant challenges can highlight that facing these challenges together helps individuals grow stronger and more resilient. This illustrates that failure and setbacks can lead to personal growth and a better understanding of one's strengths.
Maintaining routines during challenging times can provide a sense of normalcy and support. Continuing with daily activities, such as work or study, even during stressful periods, can help individuals feel less isolated and more supported.
Emphasising the need to embrace and engineer failure in controlled environments like sports and school, the conversation highlights the importance of support systems and routines in overcoming challenges. As we navigate the ups and downs of life, this episode serves as a powerful reminder that failure, when properly managed, can be a profound catalyst for growth and a stepping stone to success.
About A/Prof Daniel Fung :
A/Prof Daniel Fung has over 30 years of experience as a child psychiatrist, with a special interest in digital health, emotional disorders and neurodevelopmental disorders. He is also a father of five grown children and grandfather of three.
About Nicole Tay :
Experiencing her first bout of anxiety at 14 years old, Nicole sought help from supportive parents who put her in touch with a family therapist. As an advocate for family support, she hopes more young persons find a safe space to open up in their homes.
About Lee Kai Yi:
Kai Yi has been a medical social worker with IMH for over 10 years. She has helped caregivers and patients navigate their journey to wellness with the support of various community resources.
https://www.healthhub.sg/programmes/mindsg/caring-for-others/my-child-teenager#home
Agreed: "We need to engineer failure."