Embracing Conflict: My Journey from Avoidance to Engagement

As a self-confessed conflict-avoidant, I've spent much of my life shying away from difficult conversations and conflicts. For the longest time, my conflict management skills were, frankly, non-existent—because you can only practice these skills by actually having conflicts or challenging conversations. In this newsletter, I want to share a transformative technique known as "shifting to third position." But first, let me share my number one tip for getting better at managing conflicts: having them.

Confronting Conflict Head-On

As a former conflict-avoidant, I no longer dodge conflicts. It’s something of a pact I made with myself after seeing the toll that avoiding conflicts took on my business, my integrity, my marriage, and my friendships. It just wasn’t worth it. I learned something the hard way, a mantra that I now repeat: "Whatever I'm avoiding now, will come back like a boomerang and hit ten times as hard later." Instead of holding things in and sweeping small issues under the rug, I now say this mantra and jump—jumping means starting the conversation.

Now, this means that when you start doing this as well, you will have more conflicts!?So, what are some great conflict management techniques? One technique esteemed in top programs like the Harvard Negotiation Project is shifting to the third position. Let me explain this with an example of first, second, and third positions.

Understanding Positions in Conflict

• First Position: This is your own point of view. It's where most of us start in a conflict, focused on our own feelings, needs, and perceptions. It's a subjective view where our emotions can cloud our judgment.
• Second Position: This involves stepping into the shoes of the other person involved in the conflict. You try to see the world from their perspective, and understand their feelings, needs, and perceptions. This can be a powerful step towards empathy and understanding.
• Third Position: This is the game-changer. Shifting to the third position means viewing the conflict as if you were a neutral third party. Imagine you are an observer or a mediator looking at both sides of the conflict without personal involvement. From this viewpoint, you can see the dynamics between the parties more clearly and objectively. This position allows you to assess the situation more holistically, identifying solutions that might not be evident when entrenched in your own perspective or even when trying to adopt the other person’s viewpoint.

Expanding the Toolkit: Practical Ways to Practice Shifting to Third Position

Adopting the third position in conflict resolution isn’t just a concept—it’s a practical tool that can be honed with deliberate practice. Here are several exercises to help you develop and strengthen your ability to shift perspectives, ultimately improving your conflict management skills:

1) Mental Rehearsal

Start by practicing in your head. The next time you face a?conflict, take a moment to step back mentally and view the situation from a third position. Ask yourself: "If I were a neutral observer, how would I describe this issue?" Try to address the?conflict?from this detached viewpoint, considering the interests and emotions of all parties involved without taking sides.

2. Retelling the Story

We often share our?conflicts and frustrations with someone we trust—a partner, a colleague, or a friend. Instead of recounting the story from your own perspective (first position), try narrating it from the third position. Describe the situation as if you were an impartial narrator. This practice can help you detach from personal biases and see the?conflict?more objectively.

3. The Challenge of Neutrality

If you’re committed to mastering?conflict?resolution, embrace this challenge: tell the?conflict?story without revealing which side you were on. This can be done orally or written down. If maintaining neutrality is tough in conversation due to your expressions or emotions, write out the scenario. Then, present this narrative to a trusted individual or a group whose opinions you respect, and solicit their views on the situation. This exercise not only tests your ability to remain unbiased but also opens up avenues for feedback that you might not have considered.

4.?Embracing?the Second Position

To truly grasp the full spectrum of perspective-taking, spend time practicing the second position as well. Tell the story from the other person’s perspective, and do it with such empathy and grace that you acknowledge their viewpoints genuinely. Aim to articulate their case so compellingly that an outsider might think you are advocating for them. This practice builds empathy and can sometimes reveal insights about the?conflict?that were not evident before.

5. Role-Playing Exercises

Engage in role-playing exercises with a friend or colleague where you act out both sides of a?conflict. Switch roles to ensure you experience both perspectives. This can be particularly enlightening, as acting out the other person’s role can provide a deeper emotional understanding of their position.

6. Journaling Reflections

After any significant?conflict, take the time to journal about the experience from all three positions. Write one entry from your perspective, another from the other person’s perspective, and a third from a neutral third position. This not only serves as a reflective exercise but also helps consolidate your learning about perspective-taking.

7. Mediation Observation or Participation

If possible, observe a mediation session where a professional mediator handles a?conflict?between two parties. Seeing a neutral third party in action can provide valuable insights into how?conflicts can be navigated effectively. If direct observation isn’t possible, studying case studies or simulation videos of mediations can also be beneficial.

Cultivating a Daily Habit of Third Position Thinking

Of course, we're all about small daily habits, and actively seeking out conflicts every day isn't something we'd recommend! So, how can you practice the skill of shifting to third position on a daily basis? Here’s a simple, practical habit that you can integrate into your routine before any conversation or meeting.

The Habit: Pre-Meeting Reflection

Before stepping into any conversation or meeting, take a moment to pause and reflect on the goal of the meeting from a third position.?Consider not just what you want to achieve, the context of the meeting, but also think about the other participants:

• What are their attitudes toward this meeting?
• What might be their intentions and expectations?
• How do they perceive the topic to be discussed?

This practice isn't just about preparing for conflict; it's about enhancing your overall communicative effectiveness.?By considering these factors, you can better align your approach to accommodate the perspectives and needs of everyone involved.

The Benefits: Enhanced Communication and Outcomes

One amazing benefit I've found from adopting this habit is that by focusing my intention on understanding the positions of others in the meeting, I almost always come up with ways to optimize my approach. This isn’t just about avoiding or managing potential conflicts—it’s about fostering a more collaborative and understanding atmosphere from the start.

Whether it's a routine check-in with your team, a negotiation with a client, or a sensitive discussion with a friend, approaching each interaction with this mindset can significantly improve the quality of your engagements. By anticipating and respecting the perspectives of others, you're more likely to create outcomes that are beneficial for all parties involved.

Incorporating this small habit into your daily routine can lead to big improvements in how you handle both everyday interactions and more challenging conversations. It’s a step towards becoming a more thoughtful, effective communicator who can skillfully navigate the complexities of human relationships.

The Leap of Faith

Taking the leap from avoiding conflicts to tackling them head-on is not easy, but it is incredibly rewarding. Remember, conflict is not inherently negative—it is an opportunity for growth, improvement, and stronger relationships. Each conflict managed well builds more confidence and skill, turning what was once daunting into something you can handle with grace and effectiveness.

So, let's jump into those challenging conversations, shift our perspectives, and transform how we handle conflicts. You'll be surprised at how much you can grow from the experience.

I also did a Linkedin Live on this topic, you can watch it here: https://www.dhirubhai.net/events/embraceconflict-makeitahabitwit7206255083372625921/theater/

And if you would like to receive a list of habits related to conflict management, just send me a message or leave a comment!

Talk to you soon,

Sarah