Embracing Boundary-Breaking Empathy

This week we had the privilege of attending a special forum at the National Cathedral where we listened to a conversation between Democratic Governor Wes Moore (Maryland) and Republican Governor Spencer Cox (Utah). We have strong ties to both of these states and deep feelings and commitment to the topic: With malice toward none, with charity for all. Below we share the key actions any one of us can take to break boundaries with empathy.

Seek Complex Friendships

Let’s start with the fact that these two leaders were in a room together. These are leaders who disagree intensely in their politics and yet they opened and closed the conversation expressing friendship. Governor Moore said yes to the invitation “because my friend asked.”

Peter Wehner, a panelist later in the evening, noted the friendship between C.S. Lewis and Owen Barfield and how they debated for truth, not victory. One scholar described this friendship as “founded upon and sustained by mutual opposition. . .in fact, the opposition deepened for each of them the very meaning of friendship, where a friend can be truly other, offering a different perspective.”

We strive for this too in our own imperfect way. Just over five years ago, right before the midterm elections of 2018, we held a dinner party for neighbors on our street. This tradition began by good neighbors before we moved there and continues to this day. That night we had Democrats, Republicans, Evangelicals, Mormons, Jews, Atheists, lawyers, construction workers, journalists, nonprofit leaders and people of various racial, ethnic and socio-economic backgrounds all breaking bread together. But we were neighbors first. Later that week a neighbor mentioned to me that he hadn’t realized he’d been talking to someone the whole evening who was diametrically opposed to him politically. He was shocked.?Our home is affectionately known as the “Come On Inn” and we genuinely want different people of different backgrounds to break bread and enjoy music with us.

“Do you see and understand the humanity of the person sitting next to you?”-Governor Moore

Courageously Cross Boundaries

Moore talked about his first trip as Governor going out to Lonaconing, MD to offer support for a water issue they were having. Republican Mayor Jack Coburn met Moore and said that he wouldn’t find another democrat within a five-mile radius, and no other governor had gone to that small town since 1996. Clearly this Mayor did not expect the Governor to show up. They struck up a friendship from this unexpected place, and recently collaborated on a Disagree Better ad. Moore said that Coburn showed him “the importance of presence; of showing up.”

Cox launched the Disagree Better campaign as Chairman of the National Governors Association in part because he saw the viral success of a joint ad he ran with his opponent in the race for governor. In the ad they stated shared values, commitment to accepting the results of the election, and invitations to vote, an unexpected and courageous move in our divided political climate. A Stanford study later found that this ad had a huge depolarizing effect.?

We can all cross boundaries. Ariel’s grandparents raised four incredible children in a politically and religiously split marriage. Their disagreements did not divide, but rather united. Grandma would sit in the pews every Sunday with her husband, despite her lack of belief. Grandpa would bake his famous pies to sell at the Democrat fundraisers, despite his alignment to the opposing party. Show up where you aren’t expected.

Serve Together

Both Governors have a focus on service as a unifier. Utah leads the nation in service. Maryland is the first in the nation to offer a service year option to high school graduates. Governor Moore said “service is sticky” and that “those who serve together will stay together.” He had comrades with whom he served in Afghanistan—and with differing political persuasions—knocking doors and telling folks to vote for him because of his character.

We’ve developed some of our closest relationships through service. We offer a warm meal to someone, we receive a warm meal from another; we load others’ moving trucks, others load ours; our child unexpectedly needs a ride somewhere, we offer a ride to a neighbor. Service is sticky and is a forge for empathy.

Conclusion

In the end, this kind of boundary-breaking empathy is best enabled by genuine listening. A few final quotes for your inspiration:

• “I’m mad at you, and I love you. Can we talk.” —The response a friend gave Governor Cox after he passed legislation she strongly opposed.
• “The thing I never want people to be able to say about me or my time here is that we didn’t listen or we didn’t understand the assignment.” —Governor Moore
• “If I listen to people and try to understand why they think what they do, I don’t think that their views are as offensive at the end of that exercise as I thought at the beginning of it. I come out realizing there’s a whole lot more nuance than I thought about going in.” —Rachel Brand, EVP of Global Governance, Walmart; former Associate Attorney General?
• “Where are kids learning this? They learned it from us. —Tim Shriver, Chairman, Special Olympics; Founder, Unite (and check out his fascinating dignity index)
• “If we don’t model what it means to love your enemies, to love your neighbors to be your brother’s keeper, your sister’s keeper, then we are raising a generation that will not know anything but the current political moment as the norm. And that’s a problem. Their ability to honor the dignity of every person that they encounter requires them to develop the art of listening. This is important not just to teach, but also to model. Contempt and hate have become idols. . .where people bow and worship. There is a better way.” -Ruth Okediji, Harvard Law Professor

We encourage you to watch the entire forum here.

Our best days are ahead. Let love lead!

Love, Andrew and Ariel