You Can Mean What You Say Without Being Mean

10 Indispensable Keys for Effective Communication

Good communication is essential for success in just about every situation. Whether you're talking to your parents or spouse, a close friend or a colleague, an employee or a client, it's quite simple: bad communication causes problems; good communication solves them.?

Yet, as critical as successful communication is, no one teaches us how to do it.?

In elementary school we learn to read and write. We go to college, graduate, join the workforce, and all along we talk, read and write (well, sort of), but quite often we fail to communicate competently. It's not after many personal and professional trials and tribulations that we finally figure out (or we read it somewhere, or our mentor or therapist tells us) that we–all of us–have communication issues, and that we're especially inept at handling disagreements.?

But we can learn. How to start? With these 10 keys for effective communication.?

1. Active Listening?

We've all heard the old saying: "It goes in one ear and out the other." And that's the difference between hearing and listening.?

Hearing refers to our ability to perceive sound waves through our ears, while listening refers to the active process of paying attention to and interpreting what we're hearing.?

Actively listening involves hearing what someone is saying and absorbing that information without judging it or jumping to conclusions. Sometimes in a conversation, we rush to judge what we're hearing and formulate a response rather than actively listen to the other person. We assume we know where the conversation is going, but we really don't, and by reaching premature conclusions and interrupting, we hinder communication.?

To be a good active listener and a better communicator, you need to first turn off your internal chatter and listen carefully to what you're hearing. Then you can allow people to finish talking, ponder what they said, clarify what you heard by asking questions and, finally, give a well-considered response.?

You can use mirroring to confirm that you understand what the other person is communicating. For example, when the person finishes talking, you can say: "What I'm hearing you say is …” or “It sounds like … " Repeat the point you heard the other person make back to them to validate that you heard it right and understood it.?

By active listening, you're better equipped to respond to the other person rather than to your own chatter, thus improving communication.?

2. Clarity and Simplicity?

Clarity and simplicity are super important in communication because they help audiences understand your message, whether spoken or written.?

When messages are unclear or poorly crafted, people get confused. They have to guess or make assumptions about what they're hearing or reading, which can result in mix-ups. These misunderstandings then lead to mistakes, poor performance and, sometimes, loss of business.?

Clear and simple language helps engage audiences and keep them interested in what you're saying. If they get lost, they'll lose interest. If they struggle to understand you, they'll stop caring and won't remember anything important. ?

One common challenge in communication, particularly in business communication, is jargon. Jargon is a specialized language or terminology that is used among people in a particular field or profession. Jargon can be useful for communicating ideas within a specific group, but it can be confusing or even incomprehensible to people outside of that group. Jargon also can make speakers seem unapproachable.?I bet you'd love an example of jargon, so I'll give you one. And I'll have fun with it.?

My business partner, André, is a master and commander of jargon who can use it to describe a glass of water, and he does it with great enthusiasm. I'm pretty good at it myself, but he usually wins. Here's how a jargonish conversation between us would go:?

André: "Hey, have you heard about the omnichannel campaign for [client name]? We're implementing a dynamic content strategy to further optimize customer journeys, and we're leveraging CRM to hyper-personalize content and drive engagement."?

Carlos: "Cool."?

André: "We're also using dynamic content and A/B testing to deliver personalized messaging and optimize our conversion rates. And we're diving into ways to integrate predictive analytics into our marketing automation platform to improve our targeting and segmentation."?

Carlos: "Cool."?

André: "I know! Boom! Right?"?

Carlos: "What metrics are you using?"?

André: "We're using a multi-touch attribution model that takes into account all touchpoints across the customer journey, and we're constantly refining our approach based on the data. And, of course, we're keeping an eye on the KPIs and adjusting accordingly."?

Carlos: "OK. What's going on with the influencer marketing campaign?"?

André: "We identified several micro-influencers, and we're partnering with them to enhance authentic user-generated content and increase our social reach."?

Carlos: "Cool."?

André: "The team also had a brainstorm session to hash out the potential of leveraging machine learning algorithms to optimize the influencer selection and maximize ROI."?

Carlos: "Really?"?

André: "Yes! I read about an amazing proprietary algorithm that uses natural language processing to analyze the engagement metrics and audience demographics of potential influencers to identify the optimal matches for the client's brand."?

Carlos: "Cool. Make sure we're using a unified measurement framework to track engagement across all channels and touchpoints. And don't forget about social listening. Are you using sentiment analysis to monitor and respond to user feedback in real-time?"?

André: "Of course! We're rocking that!"?

Unless you're in the marketing field, especially digital marketing, we probably lost you at "Hey."

3. Empathy?

To communicate effectively, we need to put ourselves in other people's shoes and see things from their perspective. That's empathy in communication. And, yes, it's easier said than done.?

We all have beliefs, attitudes and opinions about ourselves, other people and the world. We were raised in a certain way, taught in school in a certain way, trained at work in a certain way. It's difficult to step out of our shoes and into other people's, but we have to. Otherwise, we can't understand their concerns, wants and needs, and we're just exchanging monologues.?

Next time you talk to someone who has a different point of view, remind yourself to be empathetic. If you must, imagine yourself shifting physical positions with that person. Put yourself in their shoes, and you will understand them better, respect them more and communicate more effectively.?

4. Adaptability?

To reach, engage and influence people, you need to adapt your communication style to the audience and context. That means considering the cultural, generational and professional differences of your conversation partners and identifying the best time, place and method of communication in each case. ?

When meeting with someone for the first time, especially a potential customer, ask them when and where they would like to meet. Some people like casual lunch meetings, while others prefer the pomp and circumstance of boardroom meetings with department heads and tech aids.?

When addressing more than one person, arrive early and observe them before the meeting. Notice the language they use among themselves. Is it formal, informal, elevated, colloquial? Are they expressive, argumentative or reserved? Who's listening? Who's talking? Take note of your observations and adapt your conversational style to meet theirs.

5. Nonverbal Communication?

People regularly say one thing with their words but another thing with nonverbal cues such as facial expressions and body language. For example, we argue, and while I'm telling you that I'm not upset, I'm avoiding eye contact with you, frowning and/or moving physically away from you. Do you believe that I'm not upset??

Research shows that when it comes to mixed messages, people give more weight to nonverbal cues than to words. A famous 1967 study by psychologist Albert Mehrabian concluded that 93% of communication pertaining to feelings and attitudes is nonverbal and developed the 7-38-55 formula : 7% refers to verbal communication, 38% accounts for the way the words are said, and 55% corresponds to body language, especially facial expressions. More recent studies show that nonverbal cues have about four times the effect and influence of verbal cues.?

Any way you look at it, communication involves more than words. Just as you "listen" to or "read" other people's facial expressions and body language when they talk to you, be aware that, too, are "reading" you. ?

6. Conflict Resolution?

Conflict resolutions skills are a must to handle differing opinions constructively, seek solutions and prevent disagreements from turning into conflicts. When you don't agree with someone, how you react will help determine the outcome of the conversation: whether it will lead to effective or ineffective communication.?

No one likes to feel attacked, and it's easy nowadays for people to feel offended and get defensive. So instead of saying, "I don't agree" or "That's wrong," try actively listening to someone, having empathy, and saying something like "I hadn't thought about it that way. I saw it differently, but that's interesting." You'll avoid conflict and achieve a more constructive outcome.?

Workplace Conflict?

Workplace conflict is a big–and an expensive–problem. U.S. employees spend an average of 2.8 hours per week dealing with conflict in the workplace, according to a study by CPP Global , a provider of workplace assessments and training. ?

Here are other key findings of the study:?

● 85% of U.S. employees surveyed have some level of conflict at work.

● 29% of the employees said they deal with conflict almost constantly.

● Managers spend about 6 hours per week, roughly 15% of their time solving work conflicts.

● 49% of the employees said the leading cause of workplace conflicts are personality clashes and ego.

● 34% reported that workplace stress is a common cause of conflict.

● 33% said that lacking enough support to handle their workload is the main trigger for conflict.

● 29% of the respondents noted that poor leadership is the leading cause of workplace conflict, and 26% said it was dishonesty.

● 56% of employees who experienced conflict at work said it causes them stress, anxiety and/or depression.

● 40% reported being less motivated at work.?

Workplace conflict translates to approximately $359 billion in paid hours. That does not account for losses in employee engagement and productivity: 12% of employees dealing with workplace conflict quit their jobs; 10% avoid going to meetings, and 9% skip multiple days of work.?

Conflict is counterproductive and destructive. So improving our communication and conflict resolution skills in our personal and professional lives is a no-brainer.?

7. Discussion vs. Dialogue vs. Argument?

How often do we get involved in conversations in which we think we're just discussing an issue or having a friendly debate and end up arguing to prove ourselves right and others wrong??

Discussions are about exchanging ideas and exploring different viewpoints. A dialogue focuses on mutual understanding and finding common ground. Arguments (or debates) seek to persuade and prove a point. When a discussion or dialogue turns into an argument or debate, and differing opinions are poorly handled, the end result is bickering and conflict.?

Nowhere is this more evident than in politics. People in opposing parties continually squabble and quarrel rather than engage in constructive discussions and dialogue. Yet they agree on some things. For example, Puerto Ricans, regardless of their political affiliation, love their island. They get goosebumps when they hear the national anthem. They feel proud about the flag, the history, El Morro and other wonderful monuments.?

Disagreements can be opportunities for exchanging ideas, growing and collaborating rather than quarreling. To communicate effectively, it's better to focus on what we agree on, what unites us, rather than what we disagree on, what separates us. One is constructive, and the other is destructive. ?

8. Assertive Communication?

Assertive communication involves expressing yourself in a clear, precise and confident way that inspires respect and credibility in an audience. Listeners are more likely to trust what an assertive speaker says than what a shy or unsure speaker says.?

I'm comfortable and confident–and, therefore, assertive–speaking about entrepreneurship, business, marketing and leadership, but not about quantum physics. When I'm unfamiliar or know little about the topic being discussed, I stay quiet, listen and ask questions so that I can learn.?

So when we talk to people, it's important to know what we're talking about so that we can be assertive communicators. If we don't know what we're talking about, then we better listen.?

9. Feedback?

After I give a speech, I ask members of the audience if they liked it, what they liked or didn't like about it, how they think I could do better next time, etc. In other words, I ask for feedback.?

The importance of feedback cannot be overstated. Feedback allows you to reflect on what you do or say and how people respond to it, making it possible for you to adjust and improve your communication skills.?

Ask for feedback, and give feedback to others. And if you hear feedback that you don't like, don't take it personally. Don't get defensive. Feedback is a blessing, especially negative feedback. It's free coaching. Use it to better yourself.?

10. Continuous Learning?

Communication is a skill. It's not magic. It can be improved with practice and training.?

I learn about communication every day. I learn?from my kids, my parents, friends, employees, clients, suppliers, strangers, everyone. With a growth mindset, you can learn about anything in any situation.?

Do you want to be an expert in communication? Then educate yourself and practice. Seek opportunities to develop your communication skills, such as courses or workshops, and apply what you've learned in your personal and professional relationships. Cultivate empathy by actively listening and asking questions. Become an expert in the topics that are important to you and that you wish to share with others.?

More importantly, be open to having conversations with people who have different perspectives, especially those who disagree with your point of view. Listen and talk. Talk and listen. Rinse and repeat.?

Final Word?

Reacting is easy. Responding thoughtfully is not.?

To be a good communicator, you can't take the easy way out. Instead of reacting and getting defensive when someone disagrees with you, listen, turn off your inner chatter, put yourself in the other person's shoes, and look for common ground upon which you can build something together. Imagine what the world would be like if everyone did that.