Embrace the uncertainty and thrive

Human beings crave certainty. We try to control so many aspects of our lives. Right now we have so little certainty and this is driving many of us crazy. For those control freaks among you this is a very challenging time! It does not have to be this way. We can take back our control and make this a time where we can learn to not just cope but to thrive. Build the right foundations now and you will reap the rewards going forward.

In my coaching and therapy I have been staggered by how many sorted, successful and normally highly motivated people have been rocked by the level of uncertainty that they are now facing. I am seeing a wave of people who are finding themselves procrastinating, avoiding and feeling anxious about the future. All of which of course are enemies of action and prevent us from seizing on the opportunities that still do exist.

History tells us that in adversity there is opportunity. In times of great upheaval the brave, the wise and the different thinkers do not see problems. They see opportunities. However when our mind is stuck in first gear, procrastinating, avoiding and worrying then we are not going to grasp those opportunities. It is not people's fault. We are hard wired to protect ourselves from danger and this leads us to moving to default thoughts about the worst case scenario, Psychologists have a term for this. They call it Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANT's). ANT's are natural. They are trying to protect us from disappointment. However we need to learn to challenge these thoughts if we want to avoid getting stuck in a negative cycle of thought.

Here are 3 simple steps that you can adopt to help you come out of these uncertain times stronger

1. Accept the harsh reality that you are facing

We cannot control everything that may happen. We can only control how we react to the challenges in front of us. The control freaks out there are properly freaking now because they cannot adapt to losing control. Acceptance of our situation is critical. A failure to accept the reality will lead to a total melt down for many people. Acceptance allows us to move on and build again. The classic example of this is what is now known as the Stockdale Paradox. Admiral James Stockdale was the most senior US Prisoner of War captured in the Vietnam war. Imprisoned in the infamous 'Hanoi Hilton' he was beaten, tortured and humiliated on a daily basis. His captors wanted to break him. As the Senior Officer in the camp he still had responsibility for his men but he had no obvious control or power over his or their fate.

Living in captivity, Stockdale observed that the optimists in the camp, began full of hope and full of fight. They believed they would be home by Christmas. As Christmas, then Easter came and went their morale flagged and hope and health were lost. The pessimists in the camp fared even worse. They had no hope to start with and were the first to fall ill and often perish. However, those who accepted the reality of their situation were able to maintain their hope and with it retain better physical and mental health. These were the people who were the survivors. They were more likely to last the course. They were also more likely to recover their mental wellbeing following the trauma that they experienced.

It is a useful perspective to recognise that whatever reality you are facing it is unlikely to be as horrific or hopeless as those men faced. Accepting our reality is the first step in moving forward and grasping the opportunities that exist. We have to stop fighting things that we cannot control.

2. Recognise what you can control and measure yourself by

Stockdale recognised that he could not judge himself by his usual military measures. He fully understood however that he had to give himself goals and measures that he could focus on. He couldn't promise to get his men home anytime soon. He could however measure how he dealt with how he reacted to what he would face every day. He could set an example that his men could take strength and inspiration from. He set himself three Key Measures that he called CPD. These were to

• Be Calm in the face of whatever situation he was in
• To be Personable with everyone he dealt with, including his captors.
• To remain Dignified in the face of whatever provocation or degradation he faced

These measures allowed Stockdale to maintain his authority, purpose and of course sanity in the most extreme environment. It gave him power over his captors that they could not take away. At the end of every day he wold review his behaviours against his CPD measures. He remained able to maintain authority over his men and enforced this rigorous code of behaviour in the camp.

Given your own situation right now, what are the measures that you can apply to your situation? Compared to what Stockdale faced you almost certainly have more opportunity and freedom to take your self forward. Our ability to move forward in any situation is all about the frame that we give ourselves to look through. So if you are feeling trapped, frustrated or are finding it hard to take action now write down what measures you can judge yourself by. Give yourself 3-4 measures that you can control and write them down now. You are giving yourself a whole new frame of reference that you control.

Writing down these things is important. It makes them seem more real and re-enforces to your mind that you are serious about taking action. As you will all know we get what we measure. Set yourself measures that are within your control and review yourself against them every day. This will give you many benefits including

• Being focused on what you can control ( and letting go of the things you cannot control)
• Re-gaining a sense of achievement. We all need to feel we are progressing to keep us motivated and moving forward. By judging yourself against only what you can control you will maintain belief and purpose
• Feeling more relaxed and less anxious. You will find yourself taking action more easily and developing the habits of action.

3. Develop simple mindset techniques to address your 'wrong thoughts'

Your mind is just like a computer. It takes actions based upon the commands that you give it. Whereas a computer acts upon key strokes and mouse clicks your mind acts upon the words and pictures that you give it. The words that we give ourself and the pictures that we create are instructions for your mind. So we need to give ourselves the right words and pictures to get the right actions and outcomes.

As computers now have Machine Learning or Artificial Intelligence to make judgements about what you want (think of what happens when you log onto Amazon to buy something) our minds develop habits of thought based upon the repetition of words and pictures (commands) that we give it. What you need to understand is that we can develop new habits of thought in just 14-21 days! So as we head into lockdown again for a month here in the UK think about what new habits of thought that you would like to develop about yourself during that time.

Here is a technique I would like to share with you for reframing negative thoughts and turning them into positive thoughts. Positive thoughts lead to positive actions. Positive actions leads to positive outcomes.

Now think of something that you really dread doing or that you will do anything to avoid. Maybe it is picking up the phone to call customers. Maybe it is doing your admin. Whatever it is for you. Now think about doing this activity for a few moments. Really put yourslef in that place. See yourself there.

Now how does it make you feel? What sensations do you have? Maybe you have dread. Perhaps you feel your breathing getting shallow? Possibly you feel your neck and shoulders getting tense? Is it any wonder that we avoid doing these tasks when we get such thoughts and reactions? Our mind wants to make us happy and keep us safe. When thinking about a task elicits such a response it is pretty natural to avoid or delay doing it.

Let me tell you how I worked on this to overcome my own avoidance and dread. In my youth I was an elite cyclist. Over a 200m sprint I could beat just about anybody. I believed that in any race that ended with a mass sprint that I could win. However I equally had a belief that I was rubbish at climbing hills or mountains. In any race with a big climb I would believe that I was beaten before I started. I dreaded hills and my self talk was all wrong. It became a self fulfilling prophecy that I would lose too much time on any hills to have a chance of winning.

I carried this belief through for years. While I no longer cycle competitively, any ride that involved a hill would fill me with dread. I would avoid climbs if I could and when I had to do them I was telling myself "I hate hills", "I am not built for climbing" and similar limiting talk. I may not have been the most natural climber but I was severely limiting both my performance and my enjoyment. I took the same attitude into my running. I had become quite a strong runner. Put a hill on the route however and the same thoughts (and outcomes) came about.

One day last year I was out running in my local woods and I was getting towards the bottom of a very long and steep hill. I was already getting the feelings of dread. I was already talking myself into walking up most of it. Then I saw that on my left somebody had drawn a huge smiley face on the side of a cut down tree. It broke my pattern of thought and made me smile. This pattern interruption made me snap out of this bullshit thinking. It made me remember what I already knew about creating the right words, pictures and habits. It also made me remember the power of a smile.

When we smile we tell our brain that we are happy. Making yourself smile, even when you are sad, will trick your mind into believing it is happy. A smile sets of a chemical reaction that tells your mind to release feel good hormones.

So standing at the bottom of this hill I made myself smile. I also looked at that hill, smiling and starting repeating out lout "I love hills." "I love running up hills." "Running up hills makes me stronger". Running up hills makes me fitter quicker" "I fxxxxxg love hills!!"

Then I began running up this hill. I was smiling broadly and telling myself how much I loved running up hills. I soon got past the point where I would normally have stopped and double over. I kept going and going. Where normally my mind would have taken a signal from the pain in my legs that I needed to stop, the smile on my face told my mind that it might hurt but that I was loving it and wanted to continue. I got all the way to the top of this hill without stopping. Normally I would have stopped at least twice and walked most of the way.

I began to do this every time I ran. It soon became a habit and now even when I am really struggling I genuinely enjoy running up hills. I get a spring in my step and smile where before I would grimace. I applied the same thinking to my cycling and now I am always at the front of a group on the climbs. Even when I am unfit I find myself getting extra energy. I have truly changed my beliefs. I love hills!

So what beliefs do you want to change? You too can make fundamental changes to turn your weakness into a strength. You don't have to smile or shout out loud like a demented person. You do however need to change your language, change the images that you give yourself and make sure that you repeat the desired behaviour until it becomes a subconscious habit. Throw in smiling to the exercise and you can really crack this. It is no co-incidence that telesales people are told to smile and dial before they call a stranger. Smiling makes you feel better and it makes you sound more friendly and likeable to the person who picks up the phone. It makes the job easier and it gets far better results too.

I would love to hear how you get on. Try this technique and see the results that you get

Jonathan Butler is a Therapist and Mindset Coach. He combines his experience as a Business Change Leader with his training in Hypnosis, NLP and the latest neuroscience to deliver significant transformation to individuals and teams.