Embrace Death to Live Fully a Life Well Lived

Dead man walking was a term applied to me by violent Jihadists who didn’t like the fact I told tens of millions they are going to Hell for suicide bombings. Then I was promised a beat down by youths who called me a sell out for defending my country in actions and found myself under National Security Paranoia means. All these brought up its own challenges.

Being Bipolar upon receipt of first death threat it took me for a ride. It did exactly what it was meant to do. Scare me shitless into thinking at the height of ISIS and Al Qaeda activities. Even here in America. Where the enemy does not wear a uniform and can come at any time to claim as one of the death threats said. “I will find you and behead you”. I was jolted. Anxiety, fear, and disorientation set in my life. I did the bare minimum. Worried excessively and thought. Why the hell did I become an activist against these heathens who care not for life. My family especially my mother was apoplectic. My co-workers at a gas station I was manager at were worried could they become collateral damage. The threats kept on coming. They all knew what I was doing out here. Running around producing products to win minds effectively. Using social media as a tool for dissemination going viral again and again globally. Going to Mosques, Madrassa, synagogues, churches, schools, universities and into civic arena across the world to promote Peace and nonviolence ways to oppose the enemies of humanity of Terrorism.

It took a heavy toll on me personally. My mind was spinning nonstop. I got to seek other means of mind control for relief. Besides the pill, I was taking for being Bipolar. I lost my ways and indulged in any distraction of sinful ways according to my understanding. ?But kept on working on activism socially and politically. Doing more not less, engaging more not less. I understood my mission was one of a lonely road on my own. Self financed and self propelled towards works. The end game is always in my mind if I saved a life, it was all worth it. For the Quran teaches that he who saves one life is equivalent to saving the whole world of humanity. An absolution of my sins which were piling up in indulgence of distractions.

It was until I got posted as a corporate manager at a gas station next door to a Military base that I got the courage to ask American Soldiers who some were doing three or four tours in Iraq and Afghanistan. What gives here. I was scared shitless all the time. Fear of being killed was always on my mind but felt like it was prowling me. Eating me alive now from fears for family and me. My laugher, loves, joys and happiness were less in my life than before. I was going through life in routines. My speeches and engagements had become routine. My corporate work as an A personality go getter for profit person was affected to by it. I asked many a soldier from combat in war zones. How do you suit up not knowing the next road is an Improvised device that will kill you, a sniper in the street you patrol or a suicide bomber at the check point you are at. I got many an answer. One soldier seeing the panic in my eyes pulled me aside beside his coffee and doughnuts. He told me a secret of his. He said “when I suit up, I say a prayer for the day to be good. For me to do good. For the Lord to use my body for good. But if the lord should keep my soul today. So be it. In the meantime, I will embrace death by fully living this moment. The now, right here right this second. I will not take it for granted. I will love, laugh, have joy and happiness in my life for this moment. I will live today for this day. Tomorrow is promised none.” This was a revelation to me.

?Here I was worried sick and dying a little bit everyday. Because the road got tough, and morons threatened me anonymously digitally, some in my face and my country had no trust in me. Forgot the sole reason why I started the activism by picking up the moniker as Average Mohamed. My sole purpose was to serve God, Country, and Humanity my way peacefully and nonviolently. Not that I was a pacifist, but I understood clearly “it takes an idea to defeat an idea”. The ideas come easily to me, determination and ambition is part of me. Then why would I let pestilence that threatens anonymously or face to face decide how I should feel, love, laugh and work. That was the moment I bought into my companies offer of Life insurance policy and said I did my due diligence now my family will not go hungry at my demise at that time with 4 kids. I stopped worrying by embracing my death. I started living by accepting my mortality.

?I went back to scriptures all of them. I learned that we cannot add a second of life when death calls. None can either take a second of life until what is written and willed for you comes to pass. Make your plans, others with threats will make plans for you but our Lord is the best of planers. Leave it then in his hands. Let go of fears, anxiety, and worries. Embrace death by living fully this moment. Fight your fights, work your work, love your loves in life, live this moment. ?The right now given to you. To do works. To hug your kids, to kiss your wife, to call momma take care of dad, conversed with siblings and if lucky call someone a friend, ally or even a partner. Importantly keep on working on your goals and mission values. It took me a long time to come to those terms of understanding. It did not take easily at all. I had to convince my bipolar mind to accept. I accept what comes today. I accept I will love this moment. I accept fate. Yet I will live fully today by embracing my death. After all every day 50 to 70 billion cells dies a day from our bodies. Death is natural after all. A cycle of life. Living then should be natural too. I chose fully to live today, this moment this time, the right now. And enjoy my happiness of life.

I tattooed on my thumb then a small a square, that is what I sought to be in life. A four cornered principle driven life. The first side being God, the second Family, the third Country and fourth the right to works for a living, and activism be it social or political means of it. This to me was my pursuit of happiness. A daily reminder I look at hundreds of times a day as my North Star in life. Being a sinner, errant son, busy father, considered a national security threat by my country and earning nothing from self financed means of activism self funded finding out later blacklisted, embargoed, and censured by National Security Paranoia means. I was and still am struggling mightily with these weights. But learned to laugh, love, smile have joy in my life and continue working relentlessly to get it right one day. That day is not here. But a long time ago. I embraced death to live fully. And have never looked back ever since.

Tomorrow is promised nobody, so today I will seize it for God, Family, Country, and the right to work for all that I cherish and hold dear. A simple truth to my success or failures now. When you no longer fear death, you will learn to live. Then had another baby.? Making five my brood. Hoping to increase it inshallah to six if God wills it. I live fully for a better world for them and your kids now. That I found is what keeps me most alive. That is my biggest incentive, wealth, and greatest achievement in life. I live fully now for them. Seizing the moment and day always. The rest of life is just gravy now. For surely God is good, all the time. Look how he blessed a sinner. I have work to do now. I have a full life to live now for I have embraced my ultimate fears. May it be easy for I have fully embraced death to live a full life. Such is the lessons of a misspent life of a Mohamed Ahmed.

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