Embrace Appreciative Communication

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We all know that effective communication is critical in all areas of our lives. Right??

Did you also know that studies have been conducted that show that clear communication in the workplace leads to higher levels of engagement, productivity, employee satisfaction and morale? I’m sure this comes as no surprise to you. If you think about a time you worked as part of a team that was high performing, at the root communication was strong, effective and clear.

When I think about it, communication is so important because it builds trust. I believe that when individuals are experiencing conflict, they're suffering from a loss of connection.

So, what does healthy communication look like? I would describe it as open, direct, respectful and honest. And I would offer that learning how to improve our communication skills can be the bridge to connection.

In my research and through my life coaching certification I have learned that there are two types of communication…

The first is closed-heart communication. Closed-heart communication looks like or sounds like criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. Psychologist and author John Gottman refer to these as the four horsemen that poison relationships.

1. Criticism is when one person implies that there is something wrong with the other person. And the other person will most likely feel attacked and respond defensively.
2. Defensiveness is when the person responding to a perceived criticism counterattacks with another criticism or plays the innocent victim.
3. Contempt is when one person puts themselves on a superior moral high ground.
4. Stonewalling is when one person withdraws from the conversation either physically or energetically.

?All four of these are coping strategies for feeling unsafe, unseen, and unheard in a conversation or relationship. It's nearly impossible to resolve an issue with closed-heart communication.

Now, let's look at the antidote to closed-heart communication - Appreciative communication. ?Appreciative communication has two components. It comes from a lens of appreciation for the other person's perspective, the way they perceive the world. Often, we forget that the other person may have a different perspective and that theirs is as valid as ours. Each of our perspectives is dependent on our own lived experiences, our mood, our environment, and even our upbringing.

And, secondly, appreciative communication is specific. One of the reasons we can experience problems with communication is that there is an inherent lack of specificity in the way humans speak. We, tend to delete or generalize details, but we still expect others to fully understand our meaning or intention. This lack of specificity leads to a lack of clarity in the way we talk with each other.

Bottom line - Specificity helps resolve the misunderstandings that arise from assumptions paving the way for appreciative, honest communication that builds connection. There are of course other very important elements that support appreciative communication. Those include active listening and empathy.

So, what could this sound like? Here's a conversation one might have with their partner not using appreciative communication.

• Partners says “my colleague at work never respects me.
• And then you say “that's not true. You're just really sensitive.
• Partners says, “I'm not sensitive. I just deserve some respect from my colleagues.
• And then the other partner says, “whatever and rolls their eyes.

Do you think this exchange creates a connection or disconnection between the partner and the other person? Of course, disconnection. It’s a cringe-worthy conversation and yet, if we’re being honest with ourselves, I think we might all be able to think of an example of a time when we responded like this to our partner or a co-worker.

Ok, let’s flip the script. How could this conversation look using appreciative communication tools…

• Partner “says my colleague at work never respects me.
• You say, “your colleague at work never respects you? (Seek to clarify)
• Partner “Yeah, exactly. And I can't stand it.
• You “In what way does he not respect you? (Seek to clarify)
• Partner “He never listens to me.
• You “He never listens to you? That sounds frustrating. (This is where empathy comes in) “When specifically, does he not listen?
• Partner “In our executive meetings. He cuts me off when presenting my ideas, which drives me crazy."
• You “He cuts you off in meetings. That would drive anyone crazy."

How does that conversation compare? Is this 2nd example of building a connection? I’ll acknowledge that it is twice as long – this is where specificity and slowing down to build trust are important. I would also suggest that the partner in this 2nd example feels seen and heard in this conversation versus in the 1st example where they were told they are too sensitive and their feelings dismissed. The 2nd example also opens the doorway to solution-based dialogue and potentially a powerful conversation about the next steps.

So, I ask you...Are you behaving like one of the 4 horsemen – criticizing, getting defensive, acting in contempt or stonewalling? Or are you stepping bravely into appreciative communication? Seeking to understand, asking questions to gain clarity, actively listening and demonstrating empathy?

I believe when we know better when we raise our awareness we can do better. This isn’t about perfection. We’re going to screw up. We’re going to make mistakes. I believe what is important is that we are learning and becoming more aware of how we show up in the way we communicate with others.