The Elusive Trap of Perception

We live and thrive in a world where our understanding is spurred more by our perception than by reality. One of my favourite thought exercises in team meetings is to get members to reflect on the truth of "Do you 'know' what I think about you?" or "Do you 'think you know' what I think about you?" Sounds confusing? Well, maybe so, but not as confusing as it is misleading in reality. Why, you ask? Read on.

We live in a world built on perception such that the moment there is any disturbance or threat to it, we react like an animal cornered and hunted – ready to lash out and attack for self-preservation. Let’s take an example. Two colleagues are working on the production floor. In a moment of stress, one colleague lets out a loose remark about the competence of the other, within earshot of employees from other teams. In a split second, the floor is disrupted with a verbal argument between the two, spiralling the situation out of control (trust me, this has happened for real). You call the employees aside and try to understand what went wrong. Pat! comes the answer from the offended employee, “he called me a ___________ on the open floor. Imagine what the other employees from adjacent teams would have thought about me?”

I’ll stop here. In such moments of conflict, what catches my attention less is the fact that a loose remark was let out. Rather, what gets my attention is the tragic illusion that one could ever think that he absolutely knows what others think about him, which could then stand the risk of getting distorted by such incidents as cited above. Reality is no one knows what the other person truly thinks about one another. We only think we know based on the signs and cues we perceive from those around us. Still not following my drift? Consider the below scenario:

Harry thinks Larry dresses like a clown. But each time he meets Larry, to maintain social niceties, he compliments Larry on his attire. Now, in this situation, should Larry think – 1) I, must look pretty sharp! After all, Harry thinks I am always well dressed. 2) Harry says I am well dressed but I know he believes the opposite. The obvious answer is #1 (unless Larry is a mind-reading wizard). In other words, Larry has built his understanding of his dressing sense based on the responses and reactions he perceived from Harry. It is not the absolute truth, but to Larry, it is his truth now.

I think it'd be reasonable to say that we can relate to the above two scenarios in our lives as well. So, if we don’t know what others truly think about us, every time something is said to our discomfort, why do we take severe offense? Why do we retort on the premise that others might think poorly of us now because of what was said? After all, we never knew what they really thought about us in the first place, to now feel threatened that they might see us differently. Take a deeper look inside. When something is said to our discomfort, it’s 'our own perception’ of us that gets shaken in our minds. Not that of the others’. When we hear something that defies what we believe we are, it stirs unrest within, leading to an outcry to help reconcile our understanding of ourselves with what we believe it to be.

So how do you overcome this elusive trap of reacting to perception and making others your scapegoat? Here are a few recommendations from my experience. First, realize that whatever you believe about yourself is ‘your’ perception of yourself. When anyone says anything altering that, it is ‘you’ who have to deal with the variance of 'who you thought you were' versus 'who you’re being projected as'. Second, in such moments of confrontation, choose to 'respond', not 'react'. When you burn yourself, yelping around in pain and cursing your state is reacting. Choosing to apply the relevant ointment so you can heal your burn, is responding. Similarly, when your perception of yourself is challenged, you have a choice to reconcile to that understanding and re-calibrate your perception, to contest it, or to ignore it depending on how meaningful you find it to your sense of personal understanding and growth. Third, leave the others (the passive listeners) out of your battle. They never belonged there and never will. Don't make them your defense for protecting your perceived image in their eyes.

To conclude, to be happy and at peace with ourselves, in the words of Karen Casey, “There is never anything to change but our own perspective”. Try it! You’ll take one step closer towards building a healthier view of yourself and your relationships at work and in life overall.