Eliminating The "But."

About a year ago, I challenged myself to something a little unconventional. I didn't make a big deal out of it and didn't really even tell anyone I was doing it. I decided to live by the rule "everything before 'but' is b.s.." I had a sneaking suspicion that I was spewing more b.s. than I realized and, because of that, down-playing my actual thoughts. I took a look at how often I was saying things first that I could easily follow with something less kind if I interjected a "but." "She's a great person, but I've never met someone lazier in my life." The star of that sentence comes after the 'but' and the lead up is pretty much forgotten. My sugarcoating was really all for naught and my nicety was solely in there as a buffer, not a truth. By remaining vigilantly cognizant of my speech patterns, I effectively eliminated the word from my vocabulary and replaced it with "ands" and hard stopped sentences. Instead of saying "I loved your presentation, but..." I would say something more along the lines of "I loved your presentation and here are a few things I would do differently" or, "I loved your presentation. Have you thought about revisiting x,y,z? Here's why." Both thoughts stand alone. I really do like the presentation and there still is room for improvement. My sentence is reality-based without any fluff or negativity. Recently, I've started to think about the importance of "but." Is there still a place for it in my day-to-day life or should it be done away with for good? Here's what I've come up with.

Like anything else in this world, your words should be turned inward before unleashing them on someone else. For me, 'but" is never kind. I personally use it as a means to veil what I'm really thinking. It's that simple. It's along the same lines as someone saying "I think" before stating something that isn't an opinion. "I think we should maybe...if you're comfortable....perhaps....do it this way?" You're too scared to say "I know this will work" because it could be viewed as too aggressive even though you do know it will, in fact, work. I fall into a category of people who can easily be viewed as abrasive because of something as simple as my age and my gender. I won't make this post about that, but it sort of is. We're raised to dip a toe, not dive in. We think if we can just test the water a little bit, we'll really know what we're getting into. I disagree. Our confidence is built by following our internal compass. It takes a long time for that to happen without saying or doing what you know is right. That's not to say that our internal compass can't be wrong, it certainly can be. We learn that through advocating for ourselves and saying and doing what we mean. For me, by eliminating "but," I'm now better-positioned to say what I mean and mean what I say. That's not to say it doesn't come out on occasion. My second piece of this goal was to correct myself when I say it. Out loud. Call the baby ugly. Ask my friends, they've all heard me say "I guess I should actually say 'and' because everything before but is b.s. and all that, right?"

I'm sure some of you (maybe even most of you) are reading this and thinking "who cares?" Well, I do and here's why you should too. If you get nothing else from this, get this: We are an ever-evolving species who will continue to grow by ongoing self-examination and accepting, focusing on and ultimately fixing the things we can change. I was doing something that I knew was wrong for me and I worked to change that. I believe "but" has a place a in our world and I believe people use it differently than I was. For me, "but" is negative. For me, "but" is an apology that I don't owe. With my focus on this, I see growth and I see a person who doesn't hide behind any word no matter how big or small that word may be. One small word changed my whole life. Isn't that what life is all about?

Undoubtedly, we all have something in our everyday speech patterns that sugarcoat our actual meaning. I implore you to examine the things in your life that divert reality from being brought out. We're all so much better than that and will all be so much better for it. I know my stuff, I know my feelings and I know why I think what I think. So do you.

"But" will never get in the way of that again. "But" has been eliminated.