The Elephant(s) in the Room

Shall we address the elephant in the room?

Depends which elephant. If you mean the Johnny Depp vs Amber Heard defamation trial, then you must be bloody joking. That would involve exploring the narrative territories of domestic violence, gendered tropes, possible personality disorders, #metoo, #mentoo, and other complex social issues which we are far too cowardly and underqualified to discuss. Granted this is such a small and stupid newsletter that probably no-one cares what it has to say, but still, those are some eggshells on which I have no intention of walking.

Which brings us to the second elephant: is anyone actually reading these newsletters?

I only ask because I’m pretty sure that 99.361% of email and LinkedIn newsletters end up being this thing that occasionally appears in your inbox and sometimes you might click it but most of the time you just completely ignore it and carry on with your day. Personally, I see this as a win-win situation: if you are reading them, then that’s awesome! Hey people! Hope you’re enjoying our unhinged nonsense! But if no-one is reading them, it means we have absolute freedom; no-one will be there to judge us when we talk about things like dinosaurs, ghost hermits, and crack cocaine.

And with that, I think we’ve just encountered our third elephant: does the writer of these newsletters have a drug problem?

As convenient as that would be to explain some of the shit we’ve produced, it is sadly not the case. Not yet, at least. Maybe one day if we hit 69,420 subscribers I’ll have a celebratory joint. Elon Musk did it once on Joe Rogan’s podcast, and now he is basically the Emperor of electric cars, space, and Twitter. And you never know, the government might even have made it legal by then!

Now the Government has been mentioned, we can no longer avoid the fourth elephant in the room: is the British Government very silly and stupid?

Ah, I’m afraid it’s going to be another cop out on that front. We have a strict no politics policy here at Bloody Marketing, and even #partygate could not compel us to break that rule. But boy, was it tempting. And isn’t it still going on? I think I heard on the radio today a new image has emerged of Boris ‘raising a glass at No 10 party’. Now, lest I dig myself into a divisive political hole by discussing this further, I’m going to quickly change the subject to bees.

So here we are, now addressing the fifth and final elephant in the room: are the bees really dying?

Yes! And it’s bloody terrifying! We’re losing billions of bees each year! Why? Crikey, there’s a question. Pesticide exposure, mostly, but also diseases from parasites, and of course climate change. Some environmentalists have argued that the real culprit may be the large-scale industrialisation of agriculture, which has harmfully mechanised one of nature’s most delicate natural processes. Whatever the reason, the outcome is the same, and it’s bleak as hell: a world without bees would probably fail to sustain the current global human population.

Elephants are great and all… but will someone think of the bees!?