The Elephant in the Room: Missing Perspectives

Inclusive practice within coaching and leadership brought to life using vignettes (coaching supervision context).

Listen to this article here. Written in British English.

Setting Intentions

I intentionally want to begin with grounded humility and elevated gratitude:

• For my coaching and supervision clients who show up with such courage despite facing significant work and life challenges. Perhaps holding invisible and sometimes unnamed historical scars such as trauma, bullying or discrimination. You inspire me and hold me accountable to do this sometimes painful yet healing and rewarding work of championing equity and inclusion
• For the coaches, leaders and people in my network who reached out to me after my first article through comments, direct messages and follow-up calls. Your support, encouragement as well as questions, sharing of concerns and insights propels me to continue with this work i.e. more consciously bringing inclusive practices into coaching. This can then be translated into the impactful work coaches do with individuals, particularly within organisations where these challenges can show up and play out in heightened ways.

A caveat before I proceed. Much good work is already being done that we as coaches and organisational leaders can utilise and build upon. I am keen to connect with such individuals so please do reach out. I am always open to learning, do not profess to know it all and happily admit that I will make mistakes along the way.

I see my role as helping to create the conditions for participation (particularly systemic and relational) and hold unconditional positive regard for affected individuals to co-create a more equitable society and organisations. It has been a real joy to coach individuals who after sharing lived experiences of being bullied or discriminated against, have honoured the impact, lessons and moved to a more creative, resourceful and whole / integrated place. Along the way, successfully learning to navigate systems and build relational support for greater strategic impact (see vignette 1 for risks of not holding space for difficult lived experiences).

However, in recent years I’ve been in too many forums where 'the elephant in the room’ is either unnamed or considered too difficult to engage with in a meaningful way. This is echoed by my conversations with numerous colleagues, clients and friends working in helping professions such as psychology, counselling, medicine as well as education – most surprisingly this includes coaching CPD spaces. For me the latter in particular is highly problematic and has ethical implications for our profession (which I hold in high regard) – if we as coaches cannot talk about this in coaching spaces, how does this translate into our work with individuals and organisations?

The Importance of Direct Experience

A colleague once asked me: “What do you think of terrorism?”

I was both shocked and impressed.

Impressed because this was highly unusual in my experience - to be asked directly about something someone was concerned or curious about. What I learnt from this interaction and by getting to know my colleague better was that they had mostly lived in rural England and did not have much direct experience of people from different ethnicities or faiths.

Much of their perceptions had been informed by the media whereas here was an opportunity (commuting to a major city for work) to interact with people from different backgrounds in a meaningful way.

Admittedly, the question could have been framed differently and with more empathy for someone who is part of a minoritised group. This requires self-awareness and taking time for introspection.

I don't want to downplay potential harm either - if left unexplored, this could have been another painful experience (even a microaggression depending on potential prejudicial beliefs or biases being verbalised / enacted as well as how it was received by the individual affected).

The willingness for us to engage in courageous, respectful and meaningful ways is what I want to emphasise here. Having the tools and developing the skills in psychologically safe and reflective spaces are prerequisites for efficacy. I think it's important to set and share intentions in addition to taking values aligned action. Accepting that we may get it wrong sometimes, the key is to learn and grow when this happens.

To sum up this section, I believe meaningful engagement through diverse relational networks as well as emotionally intelligent courageous conversations are a key part of the solution – more on this at the end.

Know Thyself

In order to do this work in a meaningful way, I believe we need to look at how we relate to some of the biggest challenges individuals, society and our organisations face.

I have had coaching colleagues say ‘equality, diversity and inclusion (EDI)’ is just one issue facing leaders – they face many others like climate change. I understand.

For me the environmental, economic, social, political and technological challenges (and opportunities) we are facing are interconnected and related. For example, the climate crisis is a global issue yet is having a disproportionate destructive impact on the global south.

"Climate change is deeply intertwined with global patterns of inequality...millions of vulnerable people face disproportionate challenges in terms of extreme events, health effects,?food, water,?and livelihood security, migration and forced displacement, loss of cultural identity, and other related risks...Climate change is more than an environmental crisis – it is a social crisis?" ~ The World Bank

What are the implications? Something needs to shift in how we engage with EDI. An alternative? Kicking these issues into the long grass once again for future generations to contend with them.

To ground ourselves in practical ways, article 1: 'The Light and Shadow of the Coaching Industry’ covered some shadow aspects that could be looked at including some reflective questions. The other thing to consider is that our egos could also get in the way here ?– wanting to be right, know it all, have a sense of certainty or control, perhaps fear of loss or challenge to self-identity.

Yes, this does require self-work and honing our self-observation skills. What difficult emotions are coming up? Working through them with self-compassion and relevant support as required. I am not advocating shame, pity or guilt to drive this work either (it's important to recognise when these emotions come up, explore and take the learnings before responding: RAIN Method). We have higher emotions and states that we can access for doing this work: compassion, gratitude, courage (cor being the Latin word for heart). Hence my approach of being heard-led and utilising direct relational experience to nurture meaningful connection and shared understanding.

Humility (the freedom from pride or arrogance as opposed to low self-worth) in addition to compassion and heart-centeredness has to be the starting point, then the intellect – utilising the mind as a tool for higher ideals and possibilities. It is clear to me that we're struggling to move forward with EDI on a purely intellectual level. Iain McGilchrist's work in relation to this point is fascinating - the left hemisphere dominance in the western world with a focus on the parts (mechanistic and reductionist ways of thinking). This is to the detriment of the right hemisphere which has the ability to make connections and see the whole. Both hemispheres are needed, but the right must take the lead of the two.

The starting point in my view is the courage of the heart - to get us unstuck and overcome our fears with love, compassion and kindness. In article 1, I mentioned the importance of heart intelligence and;

"How the activity of the heart influences our perceptions, emotions, intuition and health." ~ Heart Math Institute

The heart very much influences my sense of responsibility - not something to weigh me down but an empowering word ‘ability-to-respond.’ We can absolutely increase our resourcefulness and that’s my intention for my work and for starting this newsletter – to empower coaches, leaders and anyone interested in self-growth. I too wish to learn, engage and grow with them. I get this work won’t be suited nor appealing to everyone – my boundary setting is that I choose to engage with those who see this as the ethical / right thing to do and are ready - indeed committed to do this work in an increasingly meaningful and impactful way. This is my intention and hope.

The following quote also comes to mind:

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has.” ~ Margaret Mead

Vignettes

Now I wish to bring to life 'the elephant in the room' through the use of vignettes in a coaching supervision context. These are illustrative of the themes highlighted so far. I’m not aiming for perfection here but holding higher possibilities for our clients and ourselves by bringing in potentially missing perspectives.

Example 1

Coach:?I find myself frustrated with a coachee who keeps on rehashing the same narrative of how she feels like an outsider at work. We’ve explored a number of things: drama / empowerment triangles, circle of control and influence, values, belief work and reframing her thoughts to be more positive. She previously consulted HR informally and they’ve encouraged her to resolve any interpersonal issues herself and offered her coaching with me.

Supervisor: Has the coachee named any emotions?

Coach:?Yes - isolated, abandoned, anxious, hurt, invisible, insecure

Supervisor:?What do you notice about your interventions in relation to these emotions?

Coach:?Hmm. I just realised that she doesn’t have anyone she can relate to or that understands?her – like it’s all down to her… Ah, I can see why we looked at the relational and systemic lenses earlier... I could ask her who inside or outside the organisation she could reach out to for sharing, testing or perhaps validating her experiences and to access support?

Supervisor?– How does this relate to the strategic priorities and values of the organisation, if at all?

Coach?– Let me pull up some pre-reading I was sent before this coaching engagement (Independent Report on NHS Leadership, June 2022)… I can see bullying and discrimination have been highlighted as key challenges and equality, diversity and inclusion is part of the coaching agreement.

Supervisor?– What might you do differently next time?

Coach:?I could be more cognisant of protected characteristics and explore how this might be a potential influence. I suppose this is a way of inviting and giving permission to share lived experiences that the coachee may otherwise feel reluctant or unsafe to talk about.

Supervisor:?How will you ensure empathy and ethical practice without colluding with your coachee?

Coach:?I can?empathetically?listen to and honour her lived experiences by asking inclusive questions. If the coachee feels like her protected characteristics are a contributing factor, I could normalise that the organisation has recognised bullying and discrimination as key challenges that they are committed to address. I could point them to the resources and documents that are in the public domain or ones that the organisation is happy to be shared with the coachee. This could form part of the coachee’s own proactive action planning. That way she may feel less alone and could reach out for appropriate support. I'm not colluding by making presumptions (asking instead) nor saying the organisation / its people are good or bad. This feels like an empowering approach.

Example 2

Coach:?I felt very uncomfortable in my last coaching session with a long-term coachee. This team leader was describing how they’ve found a gap in the market, a segment of the population who haven’t previously engaged with their products and services. When we explored this further, it turned out that the research they conducted involved very little engagement with the actual community and there were some sweeping generalisations made. When I asked about this – the response was “we have very little time and resource to move forward with this quickly.”

Supervisor:?What were the results of your interventions?

Coach:?I worry that my coachee’s views were reinforced by my lack of challenge nor confidence to ask questions around this. I think it was a missed opportunity to raise awareness around potential assumptions and blind spots.

Supervisor:?What past experiences affect your understanding and response to this session?

Coach: I suppose I don’t have any past experiences to draw upon…equality, diversity and inclusion is not my area of expertise. I don’t know how to coach in the most effective way around this or even if it is appropriate for me to do so. I’m confident in asking incisive and sometimes challenging questions but I generally avoid conflict. I guess I was fearful of how the coachee would respond - defensive maybe… we have good rapport and trust and if I’m really honest I didn’t want to jeopardise that… Given what we’ve explored today and what you’ve highlighted, I perhaps could have challenged potential assumptions by way of incisive questions: What pertinent information might you be missing by not engaging more fully with the target audience? What assumptions might you be making about this population? What risks may this pose?

What Next?

I hope you have found these vignettes and wider article themes useful.

What's coming up for you? What are you taking away from this article? I'm keen to hear your perspectives and questions - these can be explored in future articles. Please comment below or send me a message.

For organisations who wish to delve deeper in a practical way, I’ve created a framework called ‘Compassionate Dialogue: Co-creating the Conditions for Participation.’?An organisational development framework to have courageous conversations, build relational networks and inclusive practices aligned to your personal and organisational values. Feel free to reach out to learn more:?[email protected]

For coaches, I’m considering running a CPD if there is sufficient interest:?Register Here.

Looking for Coaching or Coaching Supervision, feel free to reach out to explore working together.

Until next time, take care.

Sobia Iqbal

Helping Transform Culture Systemically | Coach Supervisor | Career, Leadership and Team Coach | Mentor | Group Coach and Facilitator | Organisational Development Positive Disruptor

https://pegasuswellbeing.com

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