The Element of Understanding How We Feel and Think is Not Going to Be How We Will Always Feel and Think, and its Hope for Being Less Rigid

One of the challenges you’ll face while finding your individuality, is that individuality is not fixed, and your thoughts, ideas, and feelings will change through your life. I wrote this piece to describe the changes I have personally experienced:

We tend to stick to our guns. To believe we are Moses and have received our own personal version of the Ten Commandments on two tablets of stone.

We think that our thoughts and feelings are correct, and those who do not think and feel like us are ignorant, misguided, immoral, or, maybe, even all 3.

And then one day, we wake up to find our thoughts and feelings are no longer what they used to be.

Our old feelings and thoughts are replaced by new feelings and thoughts.

How could this happen?

How could we become such different people?

How could we become like the very people, whose thoughts and feelings revolted us, and who we did not approve of?

It is human.

A fish is a fish is a fish. It will behave the same way its whole life.

A butterfly is a butterfly is a butterfly. It will behave the same way its whole life.

Humans are different.

We are designed to think, feel and behave differently at different stages in our lives.

Once upon a time we wore bell bottoms, and elephant pants, and tie and dye tee-shirts, and we went to discos. We shed our bell bottoms and elephant pants and tie and dye tee-shirts and our disco-dancing. Didn't we?

Why should change and growth be limited just to the physical and cosmetic aspects of our lives?

Shouldn’t is be just as natural for us to grow in our thoughts, feelings and consciousness, as it is for our appearance to change?

Our bodies will ultimately decay and pass on.

But our thoughts, feelings, behavior, and consciousness have the potential to keep growing until we die, and even to outlast our lives.

Our words and deeds will be the legacy we leave to the people who knew us, or have heard of us.

Our legacy goes beyond the financial and material.

There is the legacy of our personalities, and the way we lived our lives.

Even for those of us who will get Alzheimer’s or dementia, our thoughts, feelings and consciousness could continue growing, despite neurological decay.

How do you feel and think about things?

Is it the same way you have always felt?

Have you explored thinking and feeling differently?

Are you stuck?

Think about getting unstuck.

You should do this especially, if you have problematic thoughts and feelings.

Problematic thoughts and feelings are thoughts and feelings that get in the way of a happy, stable life, and stable relationships.

We should bring meaning and mindfulness, to everything we think, say, feel, and do.

We may have to backtrack on how we thought or felt before, in order to do that.

Back-tracking does not mean we are indecisive.

It means we have matured and grown.

We should look forward to this milestone, and be thankful for the change.

Here are some areas of my life in which my thoughts and feelings have changed, and I am thankful for the changes.

My Thoughts Regards the Spiritual Life

I used to be completely dismissive of anything spiritual. I was an atheist with both my feet planted firmly on the ground. I did not believe in miracles, I did not find anything magical about coincidences. (My friend Anita may remember all the arguments I used to have with her over her Ouija board and her Tarot cards and her I-Ching.)

Today I think, "What is life without magic and believing in magic?" I consider the fact I am able to meditate, and I am able to blog miraculous, I consider the fact I was inspired to become a vegetarian (though it lasted only for 3 years) miraculous, and I am grateful for these and other miracles in my life.

Do I believe we can predict the future? No! But I do believe that some coincidences are too strange to be just coincidences, and I do think we can be forgiven for thinking miracles have taken place. In fact, we should always hope and pray for miracles to take place. Optimism will get us further than pessimism. We should never think anything is hopeless.

Looking for Someone to Blame When Things Go Wrong

What do we typically do when things go wrong, don’t work out, or blow up?

We look for someone to blame.

We get sick.?Oh, it must have been because of the food we ate in so and so’s house, or because so and so double dipped when we went out to that restaurant the other day.

We break something, or have an accident.?Oh, it was because so and so was stressing us out.

We say something nasty to someone.?Oh, it was because we were hungry, tired, irritated, and besides that same someone did this or that to aggravate us, and make us say those nasty words.

I was no exception. If anything went wrong, rather than accept responsibility, I would make excuses, or find someone to blame.

Today, I can say oops or sorry, and move on, and I am thankful for that.

I also got over my anger management issues.

Thinking Only Money is Important

Once upon a time, I valued only money-producing activities. I used to argue that Dhirubhai Ambani had done more for the world than Mother Theresa.

Today I know it is harder to be Mother Teresa than to be Dhirubhai Ambani.

We may not all achieve the same success as Dhirubhai Ambani, but we have the same desires, wants and needs for social and material status and success. It is very hard, on the other hand, to want what Mother Teresa wanted - which is to give oneself selflessly to those in need.

Wanting to Drink Like a Man

When it came to doing what a man does, I had attitude. I wanted to do everything a man was able to do. And one of the things I wanted to do was to drink like a man. I was very ambitious in this regard. I wanted to drink men under the table. Alas, I would be passed out and under the table every time I tried to do that.

After trying to keep this up, and not getting anywhere, I gave up the fruitless quest. After a few years of drinking, I stopped drinking, and never looked back. I learned not to think of myself as any less than a man for not drinking. We complicate life by trying to do something which our body is at odds with doing.

Wanting My Daughter To Toe the Line

Have you seen the movie Men, Women and Children? I used to be like the character Jennifer Garner plays in the movie. When my daughter became a teenager, I was Helicopter Mom gone bad!

The more we try to rein in our children, the more they will find ways to go around our rules. This is because the quest for autonomy and individuation is a natural part of growing up.

Luckily I saw the light - before it was too late.

I gave up both my Tiger Mom and Helicopter Mom ways, and I became Hippie Mom. You may not approve of Hippie Mom, but Hippie Mom is a way to stay relevant to your kids when they hit their teenage years. At the very least, you should read the book, "The Available Parent".

Today I am grateful for the close trusting relationship I have with my daughter, which was a natural result of changing the way I think and feel about the choices my daughter makes.

Getting Upset When Anyone Asked Me If I Could Cook

When I was younger, I had an attitude about cooking. This was very relevant in the Indian context. Few men were expected to know how to cook. All women were expected to know how to cook. I found this unfair. I steered clear of the kitchen very deliberately. I would bristle if anyone asked me if I could cook. I would say something like, "No, I am too busy for that" or "We don't cook in our family."

Today I am thankful I learned how to cook, even if I did so, only after I came to America.

My life wouldn't be half as simple or economical, if I had to depend on other people to prepare all my meals in America.

Also, I wouldn't have been able to make some of the dietary changes I have made since being told I was pre-diabetic.

Besides, as everyone who cooks learns, cooking is not just a way for us to eat, but it is a way for us to relax, a way for us to socialize, an outlet for our creativity, and a way to keep life fresh.

If you are looking for a way to keep life fresh, cooking may be the answer.

Life lessons to be learned from cooking? One of them is how to make the most with the least. I discovered the recipe for Avocado Pani Puri that way.

Following the Crowd When It Came To Credit Scores

If there's one thing every person who comes to America learns to keep close tabs on, it’s their credit score.

This is because everyone is always looking to buy a new something - a new car, a new TV, a new house, a new handbag - using credit to buy those things, rather than cash.

If you have a good credit score, you will be able to buy the things you want on credit at a lower interest rate.

So I was in the habit of checking my credit score feverishly every year.

Then suddenly one day, I realized, "What do I need this for? I do not carry a balance. I pay off my credit card in full every month. I am not planning to finance a house or car. I live within my means. Credit scores are not relevant to my situation."

Because of how I choose to live, I do not have to be focused on the costs of taking on debt. I am grateful for this liberating thought.

Recently a friend compared me to Mr. Money Mustache. I was flattered. Mr. Money Mustache is one of the most popular personal finance bloggers, and I admire both his philosophy and his writing. My friend said I was the only flesh and blood person he knows who lives like Mr. Money Mustache. My friend added that while everyone wants financial freedom, I was one of the few people he knows who is making choices to achieve that. What a compliment. Thanks, friend, for making my day!

Believing I Was a Lost Cause When It Comes to Driving

In India, most of my friends were either driving cars or riding mopeds. I was scared to do either. So I went everywhere by autorickshaw (a form of public transport in India).

Even when I started my creative hot-shop Purple Patch, I got away with not driving. I hired a driver to chauffeur me to my customers, my bank, my suppliers, and anywhere else I needed to go.

I had decided I was not cut out to be behind the wheel.

When I came to America and I realized driving was essential to living and working in the San Francisco Bay Area, I had to revisit my beliefs.

Though I was terrified, I signed up for driving lessons.

I took the written test, and the behind the wheel test.

I did not pass either the first time, but I made it on the second try, and I got my driver's license.

Today I am grateful, I can hop in my car and go wherever I need to go.

Believing That A Copywriter Could Never Work With Numbers

I have always thought of myself as a person cut out for a communications job. After all, it was the freelance writing I did for a local newspaper that got me my first advertising copy job, which was also a writing job.

So when the first Commissions Administration job was suggested to me, I had serious doubts about it being a suitable line of work for me.

But I took a leap of faith, and made a success of my first Commissions Analyst job, and then my next Commissions Analyst job, and then the next.

Today, as a Commissions Consultant, I deal with numbers from morning to night, day in and day out, and I am just as comfortable working with numbers, as I used to be working with words.

Being Afraid to Lose My Job Benefits

One of the things people in America get very anxious about is health insurance.

Everyone is scared of losing their jobs, because they will lose their health insurance, or because their health insurance will become very expensive under COBRA.

After coming to the US, I joined the crowd.

I had to be employed because of “the benefits”. I could not go out on my own, because I would not have “benefits”. I was terrified of being unemployed, because of losing my “benefits”.

Since mid 2010, when I began consulting, the only benefits I have enjoyed are those I have given myself - by buying catastrophic medical insurance, and saving money in accounts available to freelancers.

Today I know it's not the end of the world to be unemployed, and without benefits, or to earn an income, and provide for your own benefits.

I am grateful I did not let the benefits bogey keep me from becoming a consultant.

I would never have met so many wonderful people, and been exposed to so many wonderful commission analyst opportunities.

Being Uncomfortable With Stock Market Booms and Busts

In the early 90s, the Indian stock market crashed because of the Harshad Mehta scam. After it happened, I did not want to have anything to do with stocks. I thought stocks were unsafe investments, and unsuitable to someone with family responsibilities like myself.

Then in 2003, I changed my job. I had a long commute to Scios Pharmaceuticals in Fremont, and on my way to work, I would listen to tapes of Suze Orman and Charles Schwab and Tony Robbins. I also read Robert Kiyosaki's book, Rich Dad Poor Dad.

Thanks to these inputs, I was seized with the inspiration to take charge of my finances, and to learn as much as I could about all aspects of personal finance - from taxes to savings and investments.

Today I am grateful for the inspiration that got me back on track.

Since 2004, I have done my own taxes, and I have dedicated plenty of time and energy to learning as much as I can about finance and investments, and yes, I am back into the stock market. I know enough not to be fearful, and not to be greedy, and I have become street smart, as those who have read my financial posts know.

The most recent concept I read about is Terminal Wealth Dispersion, which explains why defined contribution plans (401Ks, etc) are such a losing proposition for individuals, compared to defined benefit plans (pensions).

My Thoughts Regards Being Happy and Being Sad

People who meet me today may find it hard to believe I suffered a depression in my mid 30s. At the time, I was going through it, I felt hopeless, and thought it would never end.

But not only did I get over it, I became an emotionally stronger person with every passing year, after it had ended.

In fact, listen to this. …

A couple of years ago, I read a depression self-help book called Feeling Good written by Dr. David Burns. If you haven't heard of it, it is the #1 book on depression, and I have both written about it and reviewed it. In this book, there is a quiz you can take to find out if you are depressed. I took the quiz and scored a 0 it. In other words, I did not have a single symptom of depression. I chuckled, thinking back to my mid 30s, when I would have scored a 100.

We should be grateful we can experience something as devastating as a depression and come out of it stronger and happier.

Thoughts about Chasing Rainbows

It happens to all starting investors.

We believe we can copy our way to success. For example, we may read about the Dogs of the Dow investing strategy and go, "Perfect. I will invest in the Dogs of the Dow".

Anyone who reads about Warren Buffett can be forgiven for wanting to be like him. He is one of the richest men in the world, and the most successful investor of all time.

I read about Warren Buffett, and I wanted to copy him.

Now Warren Buffet is known for his ability to purchase good companies for a bargain price. So I of course, wanted to do that - to buy stocks of good companies at a bargain price. It's called bottom fishing, and it is an appealing strategy, especially if you have only a little money to invest.

Alas, here's what happened.

In 2004, the donut company Krispy Kreme had a bad quarter, and the stock price of Krispy Kreme plummeted by 50%. I fantasized my bottom-fishing moment had arrived.

Based on the popularity of the donuts - there were long lines at all their locations - and the drop in the stock price, I thought here was a good company whose stock was available at a bargain price. So I jumped in and bought shares, believing I was pulling off a Warren Buffett stunt. Alas, Krispy Kreme's next quarter was just as bad, and the stock price plummeted another 50%. I lost half the money I believed I had so cleverly invested.

However I was able to use this loss (and my other investing losses) as a learning experience. In fact, I even parlayed it into a Toastmaster club level contest award.

Today, I do not aim to be a Warren Buffett or a Peter Lynch or a George Soros or a Julian Robertson. I aim for more modest and attainable investment goals, and I follow a less risky and less frantic investing strategy.

My Thoughts Regards the Good Life

Is happiness being successful and financially independent? I thought so at one time, but my thoughts changed. Today, I believe happiness is about making the right choices. Some choices are right for us, other choices are not. The sooner we realize this, the better.

For instance, would you be happier if you spent more time with your family? Then you may have to give up some of your money and success in order to do that.

Do you like being in a relationship, but do you have a time-consuming hobby, passion, or business? Then you may have to cut back on your hobby, passion, or business, to give your relationship the time it needs.

I am grateful I understood this.

I have made many choices, which while being a damper on my professional status and my income, were more conducive to a fulfilling life for me.

My decision to telecommute is an example. It may have hampered my opportunities for professional growth, but it enabled me to be there for my mother and my daughter, something far more valuable to me than professional status, or money.

My Meditation Miracle

It's funny how life can deliver us what we want when we least expect it. This is what happened to me in 2010, when I learned to meditate. I had tried to meditate several times before, but I had never been able to do it. Now suddenly a key clicked in the lock, and I was able to meditate. Just by reading one chapter in a book and following the instructions, I was off and away. What an unexpected gift.

Today, I am grateful for this miracle that happened in 2010, and for all the benefits daily meditation has brought my life.

Final Thoughts of Gratitude

I owe a debt to many people, insights and inputs for helping me grow as a person. I have changed my thinking and feeling for the better with a lot of outside help. I am thankful for the inputs of my family. I am thankful for the inputs of my friends. I am thankful for the inputs of my daughter. I am thankful for my relatives, all the relationships I have had, all the companies I have worked for, all the managers and teams I have worked with. I am thankful for all the people who have taken care of me, the people who have attended me at restaurants and other establishments, the customer service people who have taken my calls. I am thankful for all the things I am able to do and enjoy, and all the things I once did, and for all the people and technology and natural wonders of the world that have made it possible for me to do these things. I am thankful for the wonderful examples other lives provide me on how to live a fulfilling life. I have grown because of all of these influences in my life. Finally, I am thankful for the opportunities to share my thoughts, and the fulfillment and meaning and personal growth it brings me, and I am thankful to all of you, who take some time out of your busy life to read this and to keep me going (and growing).

Note: This piece was previously published on my Minoo Jha Life Strategies Blog