ELECTRICITY ON THE BRAIN

Imagine, if you can, having two metal plates attached to your head, put to sleep by an anaesthesiologist, and then being electrocuted through the brain to force a seizure. To somehow make you happier. You can’t help but feel like you're in a science fiction movie as the metal plates are attached to your head with great solemnity, strapped in place with a beige rubbery band.

The oxygen mask is put over your face, you take deep deep breaths, and fight as you might, your body gives over to the narcotic and you pass out. Waking up seemingly moments later in a state of confusion, you start to go through a process of remembering. Glancing at your arms you are reminded of the pain you have inflicted upon yourself in an effort to escape the depression, slowly half formed memories float through your mind and you are confronted, as if for the first time again, with the happenings of the last few weeks and months.

But the journey is never quite the same. At times you awaken disturbed, lost and confused, at others you awaken with a deep heaviness, and on the best of days, you awaken with a buzzing high caused by the narcosis, and everything feels light, bright, and supremely manageable. Today was a buzzing day. I laughed, I made calls to my family, I spoke to other patients, and in my happy little high I gladly cleared the dishwasher despite it not being my duty today. You could say things were feeling rather wonderful.

Then like the flip of a switch it suddenly changed, and I felt surging through my body the desire to cause myself pain, to cut into my skin and make blood flow. In my striving to learn a new way of dealing with this I went straight to a nurse to ask for help. That is certainly a step worth celebrating, but it is still many distant miles from me being capable of dealing with my destructive thoughts alone.

I sat around for a while, tried some distracting activities. Some light relief, but the deep gloom was well and truly settled in my system.? I noticed my thoughts running down an increasingly destructive path, as I started to make a plan to go to the kitchen to take the dishwasher tablets and ingest these - surely this would sweep me away from this hellish feeling. But the battle raged inside. How could I do that to my wife, who has finally managed to get away to a place of peace and relaxation? All of that would be lost by a simple stupid action.

So I’m striving to battle against this hellish feeling in a constructive way. How I would love to just give in to the destruction, to let myself go, to overwhelm my mind in whatever way I can.?

It would be wonderful to turn it from a battle into a dance, to something joyful and easy, something funny and light. Is it possible to take this hell and make it the object of ridicule and mirth? Can I burn my depression with some well-timed comedic lines? Can I take away its power by reminding it that I am the one in charge, that instead of dying I want to live and move and be a force of good in the world? Can I remind it that while I may need to cry and feel the pain and anger that it so desperately wants me to, I can also laugh and see the light, and remember the beauty of what I have in my family, immediate and extended. In my community, surrounded by people willing to arise and be there for me so that Clare can visit her family. In my hospital with staff dedicated and kind, who are ready with strategies, with humour, ready just to be there and sit with me? as I try to extricate myself from this dark hole.

Really, when I step back and look with sober eyes, I see I have an abundance of things to be grateful for, that I am sure I am being protected and that by the grace of God I am never truly left alone. Hold onto that knowledge, see with the eyes of strength all these things around me. It’s time to look up and get through this evening, and tomorrow will bring? a fresh light, a chance to take the next step. Which will bring its own pain and heartache and I’m sure will test me again to the edge of my capacity. But are we not promised by God that we are never tested beyond our ability? If I hold that to be true then I have to believe I am capable of receiving the help I need to overcome this pain, whatever it may be.

These words bring me comfort in this:

"You are encouraged to continue to keep in mind the spiritual dimension of your struggles. We are assured by ‘Abdu’l-Bahá in the following words: “The more difficulties one sees in the world the more perfect one becomes. The more you plough and dig the ground the more fertile it becomes. The more you cut the branches of a tree the higher and stronger it grows. The more you put the gold in the fire the purer it becomes. The more you sharpen the steel by grinding the better it cuts. Therefore, the more sorrows one sees the more perfect one becomes. That is why, in all times, the Prophets of God have had tribulations and difficulties to withstand. The more often the captain of a ship is in the tempest and difficult sailing the greater his knowledge becomes. Therefore I am happy that you have had great tribulations and difficulties... Strange it is that I love you and still I am happy that you have sorrows." Abdu’l-Bahá

Step by step. It can be done. I just hope I at least have a tasty dinner tonight. When the world is falling apart around you, good food is still like a magic medicine. I do believe, on deep reflection, the thing that would cure me the quickest, is a homemade linzertorte with a beautiful jam. Fresh from the oven, seeping its intoxicating smell throughout the whole ward. That is true medicine. (The lorazepam and quetiapine are also pretty good).