Electric Fences and Vicarious Trauma

When I was a kid, one of my mates lived near a field that was bordered by an electric fence.

One of our favourite games to play was grabbing hold of the electric fence while holding onto someone else and have the shock pass through me and into them. The novelty never came off that game for me and I suspect that even now, should I encounter an electric fence, I would be inclined to do the same trick to anyone around me.?

I remember being fascinated by the concept that someone who hadn’t touched the fence themselves could be the one to experience the shock from it.?

In the years that have passed since those good old days I have seen the same thing happen with trauma.?

Psychologists call this vicarious trauma (or secondary traumatic stress) and just like the shock passed on from the electric fence to someone who didn’t touch it themselves, it is equally as real.?

Don’t pass the shock onto family and friends

Military members and first responders are often exposed to significantly more traumatic situations than members of the public and as such can become desensitised to the magnitude of the situations.?

This is adaptive and can allow the individual to function, and even thrive, in situations that would otherwise potentially render an individual without the same degree of stress inoculation incapable of functioning optimally or at all.

When it comes to making sense of traumatic experiences to start processing them, other individuals who were either there at the specific event, or who have had similar exposures, are an obvious starting point to debrief with.?

Equally, it can be tempting to turn to family and friends outside of the work environment to debrief with, however this should be done with caution.?

During my military service I told my wife little of what I did, some of the reason being operational security, but mostly because I didn’t want her to worry any more than necessary when I was deployed.?

In the years that followed my discharge from the army, as some of my own mental demons started to surface, I reached a stage where I felt it might be useful for my wife to know of some of my experiences. The hope was that she might better understand what I was trying to make sense of, and to perhaps help better explain some of my behaviours.?

With that in mind I set about telling her some of the thoughts that were bothering me, centred primarily on situations where I had responded to friends of mine in the field who had been wounded on the battlefield and I wasn’t able to save.?

As I retold these experiences to my wife in vivid detail, I could see clearly by the look on her face that the full significance of the events as I felt them was not registering with her.?

This frustrated me.?

At the time, I wanted her to have the same visceral experience that I felt.?

I wanted her to hurt like I did. When she didn’t, I felt as though it somehow diminished the experience for me, or that she was trivialising my experiences.?

It took me quite some time to register that this was not the case.?

I finally realised that it wasn’t that my wife didn’t want to appreciate the significance of these experiences to me, it was just simply that she couldn’t.?

Through no fault of her own, thankfully, she didn’t have the personal experience to serve as a visceral reference point against which to compare my experiences and therefore could not empathise with me. Just like I will never fully appreciate the traumas she has experienced, she will never be able to empathise with mine.

With hindsight, what I was selfishly trying to do was relay to her my experiences with such detail that she was actually vicariously traumatised by my stories.?

I wanted to transfer the metaphoric shock from the traumatic electric fence that I was holding through to her. Then, I thought, she may be able to feel a degree of my pain and be able to properly?empathise?with me.?

When I reflect on the situation in that light it seems ridiculous that I would have tried so hard to get her to understand. I am forever glad that I recognised what I was trying to do before I achieved my initial objective of getting her to?feel?my trauma.?

Had I have done so, like the?drowning swimmer analogy from my previous newsletter , I may have ended up either dragging her down with me or forcing her to distance herself from me in order to protect her own wellbeing. Either outcome would have been far worse for me.?

When it comes to appropriately engaging in friends and family outside of the workplace for support through tough times, I believe the best way to connect is as your authentic and vulnerable self and not to seek empathy from them for your unique traumatic exposures.?

Understand that people who have not experienced the same or similar situations as yourself are unlikely to be able to empathise with what you’re going through and that sharing vivid details of your experiences may actually do more harm than good.?

The power of support from family and friends outside of your workmates is that hopefully you have at least one person in your life who when you’re around them you can let your guard down and truly open up and allow yourself to be vulnerable. Someone who supports you for who you are as your authentic self and not as the persona that you turn up to work as.?

The other group who are well postured to help in these situations are the mental health professionals such as counsellors, psychologists, employee assistance program staff, doctors, nurses, the list goes on. While they may not be able to empathise like a workmate, or know you on an authentic, vulnerable level like a family member or close friend, they have the evidence-based tools to help you process traumatic experiences and thrive in high stress roles such as military and first response.?

Thanks for reading! If you feel someone in your network might appreciate this newsletter, please share it widely.?

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Until next Friday, stay safe, and don’t forget to have some fun!

Cheers,

Dr Dan Pronk

P.S. If you want to read more of my story or our work on resilience, you can check out one of my books! All are available through Amazon globally and on audiobook.

Click on the images below for links to the books on Amazon Australia.