The Eldest Daughter Urge To…

Home is where the heart begins to develop. If we look back to Karen Horney’s theory, home is where we are expected to be provided with safety and security. Often, children expect it from their parents; however, sometimes, and inevitably so, eldest siblings step up to fulfill that need.?

This stepping up or parentification of children in a Filipino household is better known as pagsalo.?

Building the foundation

According to Carandang, who coined the term, tagasalo is a syndrome describing a Filipino child who takes the caretaker role in the family. Carandang believed that this syndrome develops due to the societal expectations of Filipino women to take on the role of a caretaker in a household (Perez, 2021).?

However, Udarbe (2001) said that there is no specific birth order nor gender for someone to be a tagasalo. All it takes is the right conditions of need and expectations within the family.?

The Pillars of Support

“The eldest daughter urge to keep my mother together,” one of the respondents said. “She expects me to do everything in the house, despite my dad and brother being ever-present at home,” she continues.?

Eldest daughters often bear the brunt of the responsibility of the household. They act as second mothers to their siblings or the emotional confidante of their mothers. Often, they also become a source of financial support once they finish schooling.?

This “mothering” of siblings includes tutoring them with their schoolwork, ensuring that they get high grades (if not the highest), and taking care of household chores.?

While these seem like three simple things, these are a lot for a child to be in charge of. This is especially true when they are tasked with emotional parentification when the family members depend on her for their emotional and social needs (Rostowska, 2016, as cited by Bobis et al., 2018).?

It doesn’t always have to be eldest daughters, though. The second sibling steps up when the eldest daughter fails to step in. Carandang mentioned that the middle child is the one that fills the caretaker role because they strive for attention through socially-approved acts (Udarbe, 2001).??

Another respondent shared that she cares for their parents because her sister failed to become the eldest sibling. “My sister is absent, especially with household responsibilities. She depends on me, especially when our parents are out,” she continues.?

Opening doors and windows

One of the respondents shared that the unceasing expectations and responsibilities in the family led her to succumb to depression. “I feel like I’ll never be enough, that no matter how much I take care of the things in the house, it’ll never be enough. No matter how many achievements I bring in, they’ll say I should have gone farther. ” she shared.?

Unsurprisingly, children who do the pagsalo or parentification experience hardships later in life, which may even be traumatic (Hooper et al., 2011, as cited by Bobis et al., 2018).?

However, it is a part of our culture to take care of our family members and assign responsibilities, especially to the eldest one (Bobis et al., 2018). Now, it is partially faulty to take on the caretaker role. In a better world, the caretaker role is not done alone, especially not by a child.?

As the famous saying goes, “It takes a village to raise a child,” and soon, hopefully, adults do not take it the other way around.?

By: Franz Claire G. Del Rosario

References:

Maghanoy, C. J., Tucay, L., Perez, G. M., Atenas, P., & Manondo, M. (2018). Ang Pagsalo: A Parentification Study Among Female Adolescents. Academia.

Perez, A. G. (2021). The Tagasalo Personality: Critique and Review. Academia Letters. https://doi.org/10.20935/al2916

Udarbe, M. H. (2001). The Tagasalo Personality. Philippine Journal of Psychology, 34(2), 45–65.