Elder Care - Seven Strong Actions you can take for YOUR future. A Cautionary Tale

(Any resemblance to anyone's actual life experiences or situation is purely coincidental, however you may find that it true for you or your loved one.)

First, I am not a lawyer, so I am not offering legal advice. I am a Son, Dad, Grand Father and Great Grand Father, a Brother, an Uncle and a Husband. This is a story about the Greatest Generation and what is to come to the Baby-Boomers. For some this is now and for others this is the "Ghost of Christmas Future." Remember not every one who calls you friend is your friend!

Think about this. What if you, after living 80+ years, were the beneficiary of a hostile take over of your finances, medical, and personal rights, would you be upset? Your answer will probably be something like. . .

Hell Yeah!

No one likes to talk about aging parents. We tend to relegate that discussion to behind doors and with muffled talk. Yet Elder abuse is a real issue! Elder abuse is not just physical abuse, it is also mental/psychological and financial abuse. For some, Elder abuse is couched in an over zealous care regimen. "Dad (or mom), I'm doing this for you", are the words used by the abuser to elicit an emotional response from the abused elder of, "Ok, I know." This is not what the Elder wants, but they feel, at times hostage to the abuser, kind of a Stockholm Effect.

Many people are told by financial advisors, do not outlive your money. The idea is that you want to have an income source to cover your expenses and lifestyle as you get older. While this is great advice there are other considerations that we make as we get older which relate to life itself. Your lifestyle, your independence, and your freedom of movement is rooted in the strategy of having this money available, when you want it.

BUT . . . what if you had enough money and someone is stopping you from using it? The following is A cautionary tale, is a story about how early decisions you make may impact your life later. 

A cautionary tale.

A long time ago, Jann and Dean named their eldest child, Billy, to be the lead person in their financial affairs. While Jann and Dean had two other children, they felt that Billy could be trusted to carry out their wishes and help them through their senior years as he was local and had some business experience. Jann and Dean worked with their lawyer to name Billy and power of attorney for both the financial and durable medical. Jann and Dean also named Billy as executor of the will and principle Trustee in their trust. Why not, they trusted Billy. 

Over the years both Jann and Dean had accumulated an estate valued at over $5,000,000. While their active lifestyle was declining and spend habits were modest, their investments and pensions were allowed their money to grow to a respectable amount. Thus providing Jann and Dean a very comfortable retirement to include any need for long term care.

Jann and Dean were active in their early years and valued their independence and autonomy. They were both Veterans, faithful church goers, and loved their children, grand children and great grand children. To them it was the perfect life, and age crept up. . .

Years later, Jann and Dean are growing old together and were starting to feel age setting in. Jann stopped driving her car and relied on others to take her to her favorite meetings. Meanwhile Dean was still active in community affairs, but he too was showing signs of slowing down. Yet while slowing down, Jann nor Dean were still considered capable of managing their own affairs, financially and medically. 

Dean never really took care of the family's financial matters as Jann took care if it and when Jann became ill, Billy was asked to step in and help. Billy was more than glad to do it! Dean was fully capable of managing the family finances, however Billy offered, so why not, he thought. Dean has a personal checking account which he managed. He valued his autonomy and paying his incurred debts was part of his value system. Dean also liked to fund his personal interests such as giving money to the Church, buying stocks, playing the lottery, and going with his brother to the lunch once in a while. Again, for Dean, his checkbook provided a sense of control and autonomy, counteracting the loss of control he was feeling with age. In many ways, the checkbook served as a touchstone of control and respect that Dean needed in his elder years.  

Billy and the other two children were seeing their mother and father decline. This was difficult for them, for many years Jann and Dean were the pillars of the home and bulwark of the family. Discussions with the family doctor, Billy found that both Jann and Dean had dementia and to some degree Alzheimer's. Armed with this information, Billy crafted his plan to assume control over Jann and Dean's lives without talking to the family. 

Of the two, Jann was more ill than Dean, so Billy started to take over by focusing on Dean. Billy concocted a plan to have Dean declared incompetent by his doctor so that Dean can no longer manage the financial elements of his wealth. Billy also convinced caregivers that only he was in charge, pushing out both his parents and is siblings. The table was set for a take over.

Jann was becoming more ill and finally hospice was called in to help her and the family to pass. While Jann's passing was sad, it was felt that her passing was a God send to Dean and the family. In the mean time, Billy was becoming more difficult to work with, being edgy and bossy to both Dean and to Billy's brother and sister. So what was wrong? 

Unbeknownst to Dean and the rest of the family, Billy was working behind the scenes with Dean's doctor. Rather than looking out for Dean's interest, Billy sought to control the financial and medical affairs of both Jann and Dean. With the passing of Jann, Billy executed his plan on Dean.  Upon Jann's death, Billy locked up all of Dean's financial accounts, including Dean's personal checking account that he valued so much. He was able , with the power of attorney and a letter from her doctor saying she was incompetent to manage financial matters.

This wholesale takeover was never envisioned by Dean, and certainly by Jann, who was probably tolling over in her grave by now. Dean felt betrayed and hurt, he wondered why Billy never spoke to him about what he was planning to do. He wondered why Billy never spoke to his siblings about his plans. Billy knew that Jann would have never agreed to this plan and perhaps, that is why Billy waited until Jann's death to act. Jann's death gave Billy the opening he so desperately wanted, CONTROL.

The Story of Dean is still being written for many of us, but it is only a cautionary tale, it doesn't have to end this way.

What can we learn from this tale and how can we avoid its disastrous results

This is a cautionary tale of the betrayal of trust and confidence perpetuated by a loved one. As we get older, we must recognize that promises made may not represent promises which will be honored later. 

Here are some suggestions. . .

1. ACTION: Seek counsel, get a lawyer, contact your County Elder Care office, for assistance.

2.    ACTION: Limit Power of Attorney's access and opportunity to take control.

The naming of someone as your power of attorney is a big deal! You must protect yourself. In this story above, placing limits on what Billy can and cannot do would have been prudent.

3.    ACTION: Limit HIPAA Access to your doctor and your healthcare information

In the story, access to information is everything, financial and medical. In this story Billy was able to parlay the financial and medical by gaining access to the provider with a HIPAA authorization. Here Billy was able to work both toward a common end, removing Dean's access and control to HIS money.

4.    ACTION: No Joint Owner, only Payable upon Death, consult YOUR attorney!

In this story, Jann and Dean named Billy as a joint owner of the accounts, this allowed Billy to empty the accounts.

5.    ACTION: Mix things up, create oversight and accountability. 

Billy was both Power of Attorney holder AND Executor AND Trustee. This allowed for a single person to run everything without oversight.

6.    ACTION: Communicate. Include the family, create accountability and a focus on Dean's interests and life. 

In the story communicating among Jann, Dean, and Billy was minimal, and that the other two siblings were not included. This created a problem for Jann and Dean when they needed the input of more and later for Dean when he needed the counsel of all his children. 

7.    ACTION: Dean's welfare is Dean's to manage and with the children to help. Help Dean by listening and loving him.       

In the end, only Billy made decisions, which undermined the autonomy and independence of Dean and his enjoyment of his senior years.

In the end, be mindful that just because someone is doing something, it doesn't mean that they have your best interest in mind.