Ten Ways To Get People To Listen To What You Are Really Saying: Not What They Think You Are Saying!

“When people talk, listen completely, most people never listen.”

Ernest Hemingway

The vast majority of people are so involved in their own world that when you think that

someone is thinking about you it is more likely that they are thinking about their cat or what

they are going to wear to work the next day.

The same goes for how people listen to what you are saying.  Half the time they are listening

to the first few words of what you said. Then the rest of the time they are reflecting on what

they think you are going to be saying in a few moments. This is while they are thinking of a

response to what you never said in the first place.

         “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; 

          they listen with the intent to reply.”

          Stephen R. Covey

When I was a theatre student at Towson University in Maryland (before I went on to study

acting at the Neighborhood Playhouse School of Theatre in New York) we had a visiting

Director by the name of Harold Clurman.  He was a genius in getting people to listen to

what he was saying.  He would start by speaking very low so you had to strain your ears to

hear what he was saying and when you were just about to give up listening, he would

explode with a loud sentence like thunder coming down from the home of Zeus!  He

modulated his talk this way throughout and there was not a word that passed from his lips

that you didn’t listen to.  He combined his stage knowledge with what he knew about

people’s (especially actors attention spans) to give a riveting lecture on the Group Theatre in

the 30’s.

So how do you muddle through that haze and get your point across.  Well, here is some

time-honored advice from the experts:

1.   Try to listen more. Make excellent use of people’s attention spans by speaking when you

have something important to say.  That seems to be an easy thing to do but it is much harder

to keep our mouth closed then we seem to believe.

“We have two ears and one tongue so that we would listen more and talk less."

Diogenes

or

“But no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poisons.”

James 3:8

2.   Talk less about you.  If you want people to listen to what you say mention something

about them first.  Then you have them hooked.  Put what you want to say in a single

sentence even if it means you have to stay up late at night trying to figure out the most

important idea you want to convey in a single sentence.

3.   Pay attention to your body language.  If you want people to listen don’t talk to their back

or the side of their body. Wait until they are facing you and then mirror their stance with

your own.  Make eye contact. Stand straight (if they are). Keep your chin pointed in an

upward direction.  

4.   I am not of the belief you keep a steady tone.  That will do more to put your person to

sleep then convey what you want to say.  Stress the important words with modulations in

your tone. You don’t have to scream at them but place more emphasis on the words that

make the most difference.  Give them a little explosion to jolt them out of their day-

dreaming while you are talking.

5.   Follow up what you said to them with a written communication.  Then in the recesses of

their brain they will vaguely remember the scene of you speaking to them and realize that

this must be something important if you are using two ways of communicating it.

6.   Learn as much as you can about the person you are speaking to if you don’t already

know them.  This will make them trust you and will give you the material for number 2 in

this list, which is mention something about them first.

If you are talking to a family member, what they know about you can make them not listen,

so try to say something about yourself (after you have said something positive about them)

that they don’t know. This will relax them and keep them off guard for what you are about to

say.

7.   Pronounce your words distinctly. I can’t stress that enough.  Even if you have to practice

in your bedroom the sentence or sentences you plain to say.  No one wants to figure out what

word you are saying, that will put them off immediately.

8.   When all else fails, inject some humor in what you are saying. To get a tip on how to do

this effectively watch the Ted Talk of Sir Ken Robinson.  He is a genius at taking what could

be a dry subject and making his listeners explode with laughter and therefore pay attention

much more acutely to what he is saying.

9.   Avoid negativity.  People like to hear positive statements. Try to couch what you are

saying in positive sentences even if it is something that could be thought of as negative.

10.  DON’T FORGET TO BREATHE. I once went to a psychologist who was very big

on bio-feedback. He hooked up all sorts of electrical gadgets on me when we were speaking

together.  I found out from his study of me, that I actually hold my breath when someone

else is speaking.  That can’t be good. So, I consciously try to keep the pace of my breathing

slow and relaxed when I am speaking to someone.  This helps to keep the tone of my voice

below the screeching level and can be a big help to you if you really want someone to listen

to you.

I would be very interested in what your results are after you have employed these

techniques.  Please go to my web site and leave a comment debkhiggins.com.  I would more

than welcome your feedback.