The Eight Habits of Being Miserable

Choosing happiness is difficult. It maybe even goes against our natural pessimism that served us well in our evolutionary past. And some people just seem to want to choose unhappiness instead. It is easier. In fact it comes quite naturally. So if you’d rather be miserable, I’ve been putting together the eight habits of highly miserable people. Unlike self-help books, which really work for only very few, these habits of self-inflicted misery are universally effective at making people more miserable. By the way, I know these really work because whenever I do them I feel miserable. One day I will write a self-help book on the effective habits of highly miserable people. Here they are in abbreviated form. 

Habit 1: Take things personally. Yeah, the person who cut you off in traffic wanted to annoy just you! Hold on to grudges. Complain about things out of your control. The weather and long lines are good ones to complain about! If you’re unhappy try to make other people unhappy too! Never take responsibility but blame others for your problems! Be passive aggressive with those you love.

Habit 2: Only love those who love you first and then make unreasonable demands on them to keep proving to you that they love you. Say things like, “If you really loved me you’d….” If you do something for another person, especially a family member of friend, keep track of it and be sure to let them know they owe you. Be sure to keep a detailed ledger, if only in your mind, of all the favors and helpful deeds you’ve done for other people and when and if they have done something for you. Keep score!

Habit 3: Be concerned about what others think of you. Constantly compare yourself to others. Realize that there are many people better looking and smarter than you. Remind yourself hourly that you are dumb and unattractive. Facebook and Instagram really help with this. Make sure you check them both right before bed and as soon as you get up to compare your uninteresting life to all the wonderfully things everybody else is doing, but you, because your life sucks! This will help you carry that feeling of inadequacy throughout your day. Also whenever you look in the mirror focus on those parts of yourself you do not like!  

Habit 4: Procrastinate! Don't do anything unless you’re really, really, really feeling motivated and even then find ways to put it off. Don’t do the small stuff until it becomes a crisis. Avoid doing difficult things. If you’re not feeling any energy, then slouch and lie down till you do feel energy. If something is hard, don’t do it!

Habit 5: Seek status! Complicate your life by wanting to have more stuff than anybody else. Be sure to get so much stuff that you can’t really enjoy any of it. Spend inordinate amounts of time worrying about what you don’t have and when you get it, turn your attention to something else you don’t have. Live as if it were better to be rich and famous than content and humble.

Habit 6: Never say what you really think, but gossip, spread negative rumors about others, flatter important people and ignore unimportant people. If you do say what you really think make sure to say it in an offensive way. If you don’t like something and it annoys you, whether animate or inanimate, be sure to say loudly to yourself and anyone else near you, “I hate that so much!” Be sure to express all your minor and major annoyances as things you hate. Think daily about all the things you hate. Don’t listen to others and be annoyed if they don’t listen to you. Talk more than you listen. 

Habit 7: Be cynical. Trust no one. Doubt everything. Spread cynicism to others through constant criticisms and reminding them how awful everything is. Keep telling yourself how bad things are and that they will only get worse.

Habit 8: Engage in frequent self-pity. Keep telling yourself that no one gets you or appreciates you; that life is unfair, and you never get what you deserve. Be very unhappy when other people are successful or experience good things—be envious and resentful! Invent reasons why successful people don’t deserve their success, but you do, and that’s just more proof that life is unfair. Of course, in the very next moment tell yourself how unworthy and undeserving you are. That nobody loves you because you are unlovable. You’re a nobody and your mother-in-law was right, you’ll never be good enough! 

So there are my 8 habits of truly miserable people. Of course, I don’t want any of you to exercise these habits, but if you do I can guarantee you’ll be successful in becoming miserable. So if you need a “win” this will do it, though in the wrong direction. I put these together as a reverse type of psychology. Thinking that you might catch yourself doing one of these bad habits and laugh and so stop doing it! Joy is really available to each one of us at any time in any circumstance. Pain is unavoidable and so is sorrow, but misery, suffering, and unhappiness are experiences we bring on ourself, so just don’t do it!