Ego wake up call...

I was recently appointed as a co-chairperson of a Chronic Kidney Disease consumer advisory board and we had our first Skype meeting of the co-chairs and researchers a few days ago. The other chairperson in my meeting time-slot looked to me like she might have been an academic but she only listed a number of health bodies that she represents and pushed her desire to be a speaker for consumers at CKD events. I said something about the benefits of psychological support services for consumers that must have triggered her because she later emailed us all her story, which revealed a lifetime of physical, social and mental health issues and dependence on a disability support pension. I was disturbed by her intimate sharing and exposed vulnerability in what I felt to be a professional setting. I felt dismayed at her lack of professional experience and qualifications befitting a leadership position on an advisory board. But then I took a good look in the mirror and asked myself to really think about my reaction...

I realised that I was the problem. As egalitarian and ethical as I may like to believe I am, I struggled with myself over my colleague's sharing - it was so raw and touched a nerve with my own pain, experiences and sense of worth. I had to ask myself what my real reasons were for volunteering in a leadership role. Was I really seeking to create change or was I just seeking another feather in my cap to help bolster my self-esteem and diffuse my suffering of imposter syndrome? Was I virtue signalling or am I the real deal? The more I sat with my feelings the more I realized that my initial reaction to this woman's story flew in the face of my beliefs about the value of diversity in consultation and leadership. She demonstrated a huge wealth of lived experience as a consumer, as do I. Arguably she had more right to speak if we're measuring 'qualification' by weight of 'resume' of suffering. This was, afterall, a CONSUMER advisory board.

Sometimes we have to recognize and counter our own biases to be able to practice what we preach. I was challenged and found myself wanting. Her presence caused me to reflect upon myself and to correct the course of my thinking and feeling. She re-centred my motivations. I honour the value of everything she has to offer and the rich diversity of our collective voices.

And I send out a silent thank you to the universe for giving me this well warranted kick up the backside of ego.

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