The Ego Trap of People Pleasing

It is essential to understand the impact of people-pleasing on communication and self-worth. It also needed addressing if your leadership is to be effective.

Many of us have been raised to be polite and accommodating and to prioritise the happiness of those around us. From a young age, we're taught that maintaining harmony in our relationships is virtuous, and often, our self-worth becomes intertwined with the approval and satisfaction of others. This inclination to ensure others' well-being provides a sense of accomplishment, making us feel like we've supported or helped someone meaningfully.

However, while this instinct may seem harmless, even admirable, people-pleasing when you are a leader comes with significant downsides that can erode personal growth and communication skills. The desire to always appease others can lead to a distorted perception of relationships and our own needs. When we habitually prioritise others' feelings over our own, expressing our needs, desires, or boundaries can become excruciating or even paralysing.

The fear of disappointing others or causing conflict may become overwhelming, leading us to suppress our own wants and avoid confrontation at all costs.

The Ego Trap of People-Pleasing

People pleasing is an under-inflated ego trap. I disucss this in my book 'Ego: Get Over Yourself and Lead'.

On the surface, the people-pleaser appears to be selflessly helping others. Yet, beneath this lies a deep emotional investment in being seen as likeable, agreeable, or indispensable. This form of self-validation is fragile because it depends entirely on external feedback. If the person being "pleased" responds negatively or fails to acknowledge the effort, the people-pleaser's sense of self-worth may plummet.

Moreover, this ego trap can lead to a fear-driven reluctance to communicate openly. We may withhold our true thoughts or feelings if we constantly worry about how others will react.

We avoid asking for what we need, fearing that doing so might disturb the peace or change how others perceive us. Over time, this behaviour can lead to a lack of authenticity in relationships both at work and home.

We stop being honest—not only with others but also with ourselves.

How People-Pleasing Sabotages Communication

People-pleasing often results in indirect, vague, or passive communication. Instead of expressing what we want or need, we may hint at it or hope that others will somehow understand without us having to ask. When people inevitably fail to pick up on these subtle cues, it can lead to feelings of frustration, resentment, and even victimhood. In some cases, the people-pleaser may begin to feel taken advantage of, even though they've never clearly articulated their boundaries.

Misunderstandings are also a frequent outcome of this behaviour. When communication is filtered through the lens of trying to please others, it can lack honesty and clarity. In an effort to avoid conflict or disappointment, we might agree to things we don't want or fail to voice objections when we should.

The result?

Others may think everything is fine, but tension and dissatisfaction quietly grow underneath.

The Consequences of Suppressed Needs

One of the most significant dangers of people-pleasing is the long-term suppression of our own needs. Constantly prioritising others over ourselves can lead to burnout, anxiety, and a diminished sense of self. Finding joy or fulfilment in life becomes more challenging when our needs are consistently unmet. Relationships that once seemed harmonious can start to feel like a burden as we continue to give more than we receive.

Additionally, the inability to set boundaries can erode self-respect. Over time, we may feel powerless or invisible in our lives. We start to internalise the belief that our needs are less important or that asking for what we want is selfish. This mindset can be incredibly damaging, leading to a cycle of self-neglect and emotional disconnection.

Breaking Free from the People-Pleasing Cycle

The first step to breaking free from the people-pleasing trap is recognising its impact on your life. It is crucial to understand that always prioritising others' happiness can lead to a lack of authentic connection and personal fulfilment. From there, the work involves learning to express your needs clearly and confidently, even if it initially feels uncomfortable.

Setting boundaries is also essential. While it may be challenging to say "no" or to stand up for yourself, doing so will ultimately lead to healthier, more balanced relationships both personally and professionally. It's important to remember that your needs are just as valid as anyone else's, and expressing them does not make you selfish.

Learning to embrace discomfort in conversations can also help you grow. While it's natural as a leader to want to avoid conflict, honest communication often involves uncomfortable moments. Addressing issues directly rather than suppressing them can build stronger, more genuine connections with your team.

Reclaiming Your Authentic Self

People-pleasing, while often stemming from good intentions, can ultimately undermine both our relationships and our sense of self. The trap of constantly seeking approval and harmony may lead to dishonesty, frustration, and a suppression of personal needs. As a leader you might feel you want to please your team to be popular but this may not give you the results you desire.

Developing assertiveness, setting boundaries, and practising honest communication are essential to break free from this cycle.

Doing so will create healthier, more authentic relationships and regain control over your happiness and self-worth.

Here is a short reflective exercise:

• Think of an example where you found yourself reacting in a way that was withdrawing to please others.
• What can you understand about your own ego and how it impacts you?
• How might it be impacting on those around you?