EGO - Our Enemy or Friend?

Ego - Our Enemy or Friend?

“Suppress your ego,” “Don’t sacrifice to ego,” “A big ego is a big danger,” or “Ego prevents you from finding your true self and realizing it”—you’ve probably heard these phrases at least once. Today, a wealth of literature, public speaking, and personal development programs is dedicated to creating a better version of yourself by battling the ego.

I must admit, that this topic has always intrigued me. I’ve read extensively on the subject, attended various programs, and dedicated countless hours to psychoanalysis, self-analysis, and introspection to identify and combat the so-called “big ego” within myself, all in pursuing self-improvement. Moreover, as a management consultant, I often find myself supporting my clients in this very struggle—helping them uncover and understand the fears or desires stemming from their egos that hinder effective decision-making.

In short, after years of tireless effort battling both my own and others' egos, you could safely call me the “sleepless enemy of the ego.” However, my perspective on the ego has since shifted, and this article reflects that change. I want to explore the idea that perhaps the ego is not our enemy at all—perhaps, on the contrary, we need to befriend it.

To begin with, I no longer see the ego as an adversary to our "true self," but rather as an integral part of it—a reservoir of our most sacred desires, aspirations, and ambitions. Stored within it are the fears and anxieties associated with the risks of not realizing these aspirations. On another shelf of the ego lie anger, helplessness, aggression, apathy, and many other emotions that often lead to irrational behavior. The ego is also home to the voices of others—parents, grandparents, teachers, friends, society—voices that sometimes impart wisdom and sometimes judgment. In short, the ego is a fascinating aspect of the self, well worth studying.

The father of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, articulated this better than I can. According to Freud, the ego is an integral part of our "Self." He divides consciousness into three parts:

Id: The primal, unconscious part of the mind that operates on instinctual desires, seeking immediate gratification (such as hunger, thirst, self-defense, sex drive—libido, parental instinct, aggression—destructive impulses, pleasure, social instincts—affiliation, and attachment).

Ego: The rational, conscious part that mediates between the desires of the id, the moral demands of the superego, and the realities of the external world. The ego strives to find realistic ways to satisfy the id's desires without causing harm or violating social norms.

Superego: The moral conscience that internalizes societal and parental standards of right and wrong, often in conflict with the id's desires. (Source: The Ego and the Id ["Das Ich und das Es"], 1923)

If we agree that the ego is indeed an integral part of us, then what does it mean to "defeat the ego," "suppress the ego," or "fight the ego"? How can we triumph by defeating a part of ourselves?

According to Freud’s concept, defeating or suppressing the ego means losing the connection between one's primal desires and one’s moral compass. "Breaking the relationship" with the ego means that a person either becomes a captive of their primal desires (satisfying desires at any cost) or, conversely, of their superego, which for moral reasons, renounces primal desires. Simply put, they lose the ability to find a way to satisfy their desires in alignment with their conscience and are forced to choose between renouncing their conscience or their desires.

If you’ve followed me this far and agreed that fighting the ego does us no good, then there’s one final question: What should we do instead?

I decided to befriend my ego. I even created a 5-point manifesto for dealing with the ego, which I am pleased to share with you. For clarity, I will also share a personal experience that illustrates my relationship with the ego.

1) Remember, the ego is an integral part of your self—fighting or suppressing it means giving up a part of yourself.

A few years ago, I announced that I wanted to elevate ACT to an international-level consulting firm, aiming to be among the top 5 consulting companies in developing countries within 7-10 years. I had the vision and the energy to lead the company down this path. However, some members of my team disagreed, hinting openly or subtly that this ambition was nonsense, merely a product of my ego. Their attitude made me reflect deeply. I came to believe that a "big ego" was bad. My conscience told me that I couldn’t sacrifice the company’s well-being for my wishes and fantasies. So, I began to fight my ego, to suppress and dismiss my desires. The result? I blocked not only my potential but also that of my company. For several years, I was unfulfilled and depressed, and the company stagnated.

2) The ego is the mediator between your primal desires and conscience—listen to it to discover what you truly want and what scares you.

Returning to the same example, it’s fascinating how I came to believe that my aspirations were wrong, that they were just fantasies, that fulfilling my desires was simply an expression of my "big ego," and thus harmful to the company. I began listening to the voice of my ego, becoming aware of my desires and fears. I realized that it wasn’t others who rejected my path—I did because I was afraid: of failure, of rejection...

3) If you learn to listen to your ego, you will be better equipped to perceive reality and find ways to satisfy your desires in harmony with your conscience and the outside world (family, organization, society).

Any change begins with a clear perception of reality. Once I saw what had truly caused me to abandon my aspirations, I was faced with a choice.

4) Sometimes, your ego cannot easily find a way to harmonize your desires and conscience. In such moments, do not rush to fight or disconnect from it. If you do, it will immediately activate the many defense mechanisms in its arsenal (denial of desires/thoughts, repression, rationalization, etc.). Treat your ego as a best friend—don’t fight it, guide it, give it time, and help it find solutions.

Making that choice wasn’t easy, but I gave myself time, worked hard, and asked myself many questions: Is it wrong to have big goals and dreams? Am I willing to give up self-realization because of criticism? Do I need acknowledgment from those people who make me abandon my aspirations? Am I willing to not even try to do what I believe in out of fear of failure? It was difficult, but I made my choice. The transformations in the company that resulted from this decision deserve a separate article. For now, I’ll just say that the very impressive positive results are already evident—the company is thriving, and growing significantly, and I continue to pursue my vision with new energy and a supportive team.

5) The ego defines your identity— it tells you how you perceive yourself. If you don’t like something about yourself, don’t fight the ego. Instead, look for the best way to realize yourself through it, in harmony with your desires and your moral self.

I went through many internal struggles before I could admit: Yes, I am an ambitious person. I am someone who wants to create something of value—a company that will change the lives of people, organizations, and perhaps even nations for the better. I am someone who has a vision of creating a company that will outgrow me, continuing to thrive after I leave and perhaps even beyond my lifetime. “Big ego”— it was just a veil that prevented me from seeing my own desires and potential. It was a veil that shielded me from the pain of losing people. It was a societal veil that told me big dreams and ambitions were wrong. It was a veil that kept me from seeing who I truly am.

In conclusion, I would say that any battle with the self or its parts is doomed to failure. The only way for us to grow as individuals is through the refinement of our self, in the harmonious fusion of its different parts (desires, rationalism, and conscience). Do you have big dreams? Excellent! Don’t silence your ego. Listen to it, befriend it, and you’ll surely find a way to make choices that align with your moral compass.

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