Ego-Labeling: The Three Words That Unlock Doors

I was preparing for a high-stakes talk at JP Morgan. Two hours before I went on stage—right before Jamie Dimon, no less—my PowerPoint got flagged for last-minute changes. Anxiety started bubbling up. These weren’t minor edits—they were the kind that could derail the entire presentation. I knew I needed to get to the producer, Chris, to sort things out. But first, I had to get past the security guard at the door.

Now, I could have pulled the classic, ego-driven “Don’t you know who I am?” move. But here’s the thing: that’s a surefire way to create resistance. The goal is to remove yourself as a threat in any negotiation.? Instead, I walked up to him, smiled, and said three simple words: “You look important.”

Instantly, his demeanor shifted. His face lit up, and he replied, “How can I help you?” Just like that, he went from being a gatekeeper to becoming my ally. He walked me straight to Chris, I resolved the PowerPoint issue, and the rest of the day was a win.

Why It Works

The magic behind “You look important” lies in its ability to tap into a universal human need: the desire to feel valued and recognized. This is a core principle in negotiation and interpersonal communication. By positively Labeling the security guard as “important,” I was validating his role in that moment. He wasn’t “just a security guard”; he was a vital part of the operation.

This approach is rooted in the SCARF model of human motivation, developed by David Rock. SCARF stands for:

• Status – our relative importance to others.
• Certainty – our ability to predict the future.
• Autonomy – our sense of control over events.
• Relatedness – how safe we feel with others.
• Fairness – how fair we perceive the exchanges between people to be.

By acknowledging the security guard's status, I addressed one of these fundamental domains, enhancing his sense of importance and triggering a positive response.

Tactical Empathy? in Action

While this Label was a calculated, premeditated move, it came out naturally. A product of years practicing Tactical Empathy?—a concept central to The Black Swan Group’s negotiation methods. Tactical Empathy? is about recognizing and articulating someone else’s perspective. In this case, it wasn’t just about what the guard was doing; it was about his identity and who he was in that moment.

I treated him as an equal, someone with authority and value. And my tone? It was deferential, curious, and genuine. There was no ego, no pretense. The focus was on him, not me.

The Fine Line Between Genuineness and Manipulation

One of the most frequent questions I get is, “How do you make sure it doesn’t come off as fake?” The answer is almost always going to be tone. Delivering a Label like “You look important” requires an Accommodator’s tone—warm, curious, and inviting. The wrong tone, like an assertive or rushed one, can make the same words feel manipulative or insincere.

It’s also about context. At a doctor’s office, for example, you might say, “I heard you run the show here,” to acknowledge a receptionist’s role. The phrase changes, but the principle remains the same: recognize their value in a way that feels authentic to the situation.

Applying This Label in Everyday Life

What I love about “You look important” is its versatility. Whether you’re trying to navigate a high-stakes environment or simply get better service at a hotel, this Label can work wonders. It’s about seeing the person in front of you and acknowledging their role. Here are a few examples:

• At a hotel check-in: “You must be the person who can solve anything.”
• At a busy restaurant: “It seems like you’re the one making everything happen tonight.”
• With a colleague: “You look like the go-to person for this project.”

In each case, the goal is the same: make them feel seen, respected, and valued.

Low-Stakes Practice for High-Stakes Results

Like any skill, delivering effective Labels takes practice. Start with low-stakes scenarios—a barista at your local coffee shop or a colleague at work. The more you practice, the more natural it becomes. And when the stakes are high, you’ll be ready.

Closing the Loop

The story of “You look important” isn’t a one-off success. It’s a reminder of the power of words, tone, and empathy in creating connections and breaking down barriers. Whether you’re navigating a high-stakes negotiation or just trying to make someone’s day a little better, these three words hold the key.

So, next time you’re faced with a gatekeeper, take a breath, put your ego aside, and try it: “You look important.”

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