Effort and No Effort

Just try harder, they said. Harder! Try harder!

And I believed it. I was wrong.

What is it about trying hard that has been such a theme for me? There’s a faded photo of me aged about three looking carefree and happy. By 10 years old, my school photo shows me sitting up very straight, my hair gripped tidily back, ideal student, staring stiffly at the camera with an “Am I doing this okay?” expression.

Okay, most of us are familiar with the old bugbears – perfectionism, desire to please …. Have you come across these too? Yeh … right.

Years ago, I was delighted with Deepak Chopra’s The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, and for quite a while I used to read one ‘law’ per day of the week. Wednesday was “the Law of Least Effort”. Every aspect of it went against my natural habits – the words astonished me: acceptance, defencelessness, surrender … I’d never thought in that way before. My words had always been: work, effort, try hard …

When I tried (tried!) to put Chopra’s advice into practice, I floundered. So, when for example I played tennis and decided to let go and enjoy myself and stop trying so hard, I then sent the ball right outside the court, resulting in a renewed sense of failure and the decision to give up on that ‘letting go’ plan.

Well, I had to learn that letting go doesn’t make you more skilled than you truly are – What it does do is open the door to new discovery. So, instead of getting nowhere by controlling what little skill you have or disguising what you fear you lack, you learn and progress and get to feel more at ease with the real you.

Zen in the Art of Archery, another well-thumbed book on my shelves, demonstrates how real progress in archery starts only when the student has a very high level of competence. The author Eugen Herrigel stresses this again and again:

"The more obstinately you try to learn how to shoot the arrow for the sake of hitting the goal, the less you will succeed in the one and the further the other will recede. What stands in your way is that you have a much too wilful will. You think that what you do not do yourself does not happen."

I like that, don’t you? The “wilful will.” We think that we have to control everything that happens, or … or disaster. On the contrary, get out of your own way, and everything happens. ?“Don't think of what you have to do, don't consider how to carry it out!" exclaims Herrigel. "The shot will only go smoothly when it takes the archer himself by surprise.” (I write quite a lot about remedies for over-control in The Art of Communication.)

This is certainly proving true in my singing practice. If I breathe and relax and allow what happens to happen, then I become more economical in my use of breath, and the sound starts to soar and I begin to make real music. I get excited about it, and think, “Oh yes, that’s right, that’s how to do it, I’m really getting this,” and that thought – that controlling thought – brings everything crashing down again as I tighten up. It’s fascinating. And exasperating! And very informative.

Herrigel’s most pertinent comment for me is this one:

“The right shot at the right moment does not come because you do not let go of yourself. You do not wait for fulfilment, but brace yourself for failure.”

When you make an effort, is this what you do, “brace yourself for failure”? I’ve certainly recognised it in myself many times; and working with people on presenting in public, this is probably the most common hinderance to brilliant speaking. When you are in flow, (maybe concentrating with your tongue out, like the little boy in the picture above), you do “let go of yourself.” You disappear.

So this January, no resolutions, no effort.

Really, no effort. No trying hard. No bracing. No tension. No worry.

What then? Nothing?

No, far from nothing. When we relax and allow rather than control, movement returns.

Have you ever seen a baby show joy? They shake arms and legs and express joyful emotion with every fibre of their body. It’s the most wonderful thing to see.

So movement returns, that sign of energy: energy released by letting go. There’s energy in that little seed of desire inside; in that frisson of pleasure that accompanies the doing; in the half-smile that creeps in as you concentrate 100% on drawing a line, or singing a note, or writing a sentence, or seeking a solution. Sheer overflowing laughing energy.?“Energy is eternal delight,” says William Blake – oh misunderstood William Blake!

Know too that releasing control may also make you cry if that is your truth. Crying is movement, and the release will move you, and move you towards something better.

Energy is like an arrow, a beacon, showing us a direction. To what do you give your energy? Is that the way you want it to be? If not, what would you like to spend your energy on? You give life to what you give energy to.?The more you spend your energy as you truly intentionally want to, the more that energy engenders more energy, the more creative you become and the better you feel. You find energy in activity that isn’t forced upon you. You find energy in silence. You find energy in allowing life to happen. In the joy of being alive in any moment in your day.

I read this today:

We can learn a lot by watching how water relates to the world around it. It goes around any obstacle in its way. It flows downstream rather than struggling to push upstream as many of us are doing in life. It just goes with the flow. Perhaps that’s why watching the action and rhythm of water is so peaceful. Life – Love, inspiring friends everywhere.

Happy New Year. May this year bring you many moments of joy and laughter and tenderness and compassion and hope.

Go well, Judy

REMINDERS

My TEDx Talk – How voice touches others. The true meaning of what you say is more relevant than ever in today’s polarised world. Many people have told me that my TEDx Talk spoke to them. Do share the link if you’d like to recommend it to friends.

Your voice is full of meaning and tells people a lot about you. Yet, we all change our voice at times to project an image, and when we do, we don’t quite reach people. When you dare to show up your genuine voice conveys far more than words alone. The vibration of your sound tunes into something genuine within the other person and they respond with real connection and trust – vital for solving our human problems today.

The Complete Exploring Shame Series

In the autumn, I watched two terrific series of recorded courses with Juliet Grayson and William Ayot on the subject of shame. Shame is not a word we tend to celebrate or talk about much, but most of us experienced some degree of shame in growing up, and its effects can be devastating and long lasting.?Dealing with it can change your life. You can pick up the courses here. To browse Juliet’s live courses and other offerings, see her website https://therapyandcounselling.co.uk/ .

My books are a great way to look further at communication

The Art of Communication – “The authenticity of our relationships depends on our willingness and ability to truly communicate and not only to converse.?The Art of Communication?is a wise, compassionate and enormously helpful guide in how to do so.” Dr. Jude Currivan, cosmologist, author of?The Cosmic Hologram.

The Art of Conversation – highly practical help with the whole business of how to interact successfully and confidently with other people.

Voice and Speaking Skills For Dummies – Everything you wanted to know about voice and speaking in a book that’s easy to dip into to answer all your questions.

Voice of Influence – The book that became the name of my company, and which has remained popular, translated into 9 different languages. How to get people to love to listen to you.

Butterflies and Sweaty Palms – The book for you if you ever suffer from performance anxiety. Get rid of your nerves now! The information is tried and tested, and highly practical.

Last but not least this New Year: Coaching

There are many times when asking for help opens the way to success, undoes a block, reveals something new, restores your mojo, gives you peace. Don’t be afraid to take the step – whether counselling, therapy, mentoring, training, group work. Or coaching. If coaching, do contact me here to find out more.

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