Effective Parenting of a Difficult Child

Do you have a Sour Patch Kidd? Sometimes they’re sour, and other times they’re sweet.

For parents of teenagers and pre-teens (and sometimes adult kids), this analogy might hit home all too well.

Sweet and sour is my life with my 16-year-old daughter.? One moment, she is sharing her day with me, seeking my opinion, and making me feel like the most important person in her world. The next, she’s grunting in response, exhibiting selective hearing, and behaving like an alien has invaded her body.

As a parent, especially a mother, this rollercoaster can be challenging to navigate. To be completely honest, I’m human and it sometimes hurts.?

After all, I’m the one who goes the extra mile, waking up at 5 am (when she’s running late) to make her smoothie or being the go-to person if she needs something. If you have a sour patch, you can 100% relate.

The key, however, lies in understanding that this is a part of the process and how you handle it can have lasting implications.

It’s crucial to understand that loving your child isn’t enough; what truly matters is that they feel loved. The emotional experience they have in your presence can significantly impact their perception of themselves and you.

You are an amazing mom, and I want you to acknowledge you’re doing the very best you can.

The following tips aren’t an attack; it’s just an attempt to provide you with more strategies that can increase the connection with your child(ren) and create more peace internally and externally.

If you want to know what causes you to yell/snap, a defensive child, and disconnection then keep reading.

Strategies for Navigating:

Take a Step Back: Understand and accept that their behavior is not about you. People often express their frustrations towards those closest to them. Remember, this phase is temporary. Difficult behavior is par for the course for some kids.

Get Curious: The teenage brain can be difficult to comprehend, however, if you get curious it will allow more space to foster a better understanding and relationship. It’s hard to be angry/hurt when you’re authentically curious. Curiosity is one of the key pillars of effective parenting.

Actions that either enhance or hinder connection and communication:

1.?Work on Self-Regulation: Recognize your human, but strive to regulate yourself. Self-regulation decreases behaviors like yelling or snapping.? The more you feel stressed, overwhelmed, or out of control, you’re more prone to these behaviors. This is the basis of the work I do with my clients, learning to self-regulate.? You can’t be a calm, present, and loving mom if you’re not regulating your mind and body. This is key for mindful parenting.

2.?Unconditional Love: Extend love unconditionally, not solely when their behavior aligns with your expectations.

• Avoid Conditional Acts: Resist the “tit-for-tat” mentality. For example, I don't make a smoothie for my daughter because she did something I didn’t like.? This isn’t a punishment or consequence. Consequences, if necessary, should be separate from expressions of care/love.
• Watch Out For Unintentional Manipulative Tactics: Steer clear of passive-aggressive behavior, such as silent treatment, avoidance, or statements like…

“You won’t listen anyway, why do I bother?”

“I would’ve killed to have this relationship with my mom."

“You’re going to do what you want to do anyway.”

“Sorry I’m so embarrassing.”

“I’ll remember this the next time you ask me to do something.”

“I can see you’re in one of your moods again.”

“You don’t appreciate anything I do for you.”

Things like silent treatment, avoidance, and passive-aggressive statements try to manipulate the child’s behavior. Love/connection should never be contingent on “good behavior.” These actions damage the parent-child relationship.

Positive Behavior Support:

1. Thoughtful Consequences: If behavioral issues arise, apply consequences thoughtfully. Avoid redirecting in the heat of anger.
2. Express Love Amidst Actions: Remind them consistently of your love, making it clear that while you may disapprove of their actions, your love for them remains unwavering. To do this, you must be regulated and practice a lot of self-love.
3. Offer Support: Let them know you’re cheering them on. It’s essential to provide a constant source of calm/support in their uncertain and overwhelming world.? This strategy is all about creating more calm mentally and increasing the unconditional love your child feels.

Connect More Than You Correct:

1. Avoid Over-Correcting: Be cautious of correcting more than connecting. If you correct frequently and only connect sparingly, resistance and distance will arise.
2. Positive Communication: Refrain from constant suggestions for improvement, unintentional criticism, and/or judgment.? Here are some examples: “My room never looked like this when I was a kid.”“You’re going to wear that?” (in a condescending tone)“I would never do that as a kid.” "Maybe you should..." (This isn't an issue unless it's constant)
3. Allow them to be heard: There should be freedom to express themselves without denial of their experience or repercussions. Listening doesn’t equate to them getting their way. It doesn’t matter the age, humans want to be heard and accepted. This makes them feel loved.

Encourage Connection

Quality Time - Take them out on “dates” doing activities they enjoy even if it’s outside your comfort zone.

If you have a very defensive child, get curious, and see if there is constant perceived criticism and/or correction on your part.

Disclaimer: If you’ve been doing things to create disconnection your child may resist connecting and quality time.? Who wants to connect with someone who often criticizes, withholds love (perception is their reality), and doesn’t listen??

Just be patient and give it some time most will come around when you consistently make these changes.

Mantras for Tough Moments:

• This isn’t about me.
• I can’t control her/him. I can only control how I feel.
• This is how some ______ year-olds behave.
• We will be okay.
• This is temporary.
• I can be a better example if I show her/him how to respond in love.

This is still a work in process for me with my daughter, however it’s so much better than it used to be. The old me would offer the silent treatment and tit-for-tat responses when behaviors didn’t align with what I wanted. Now I just hold space and allow her emotional rollercoasters to be about her. When she calls me out, I get curious, not defensive, about my behavior.

The foundation of your relationship with your child rests on the pillars of connection, communication, and love.

Your current actions have a ripple effect, influencing not just the present but also shaping the course of your future relationship.

The stakes are high.

If you find yourself not handling the challenges of parenting a “sour patch kidd”, just know you can make this journey calmer and a tad bit sweeter.

Follow me for more strategies to create calm in every aspect of your busy life.