Effective leadership starts at home -how you handle your kids

Three years ago, I accompanied my son to his math Olympiad exam in Pune city and had some interesting experiences.

 Contrary to my perception that a majority of women were already involved in corporate workforce, I found that several women still continued to play the traditional stay-at-home mother roles well. I was one of only three fathers at the hall: all other parents were mothers, most on sabbaticals to raise kids “properly” (their word not mine). 

 There were 3 fathers including me. Two of them looked slightly younger than my father. They looked angrily at me as if I was an under-aged father and violated India’s age limit for parenthood.

 All parents were into SERIOUS last minute counseling on how to solve number questions - “solve like this, use this technique”. Given the rigor I have faced in my own academic life, I generally allow nature to take its course and never force my kids into even routine homework, leave alone Olympiads. If they do academics: fine, if they don't: I gently explain them. There was no coaching from my side today at the last minute: I left my son at the hall and went away. No techniques, not even an “all the best”. This didn’t seem to go well with several parents.

 a. Some parents were watching me, with anger and at my kid, with equal sympathy. One parent commented to the other than I must have been a loafer getting into parenthood without understanding responsibilities of bringing up kids. 

b. The fact that my kid looks anemic and malnourished like me must have accentuated these feelings.

c. Some mothers were kind to me: one of them right outside the class remarked to the other that I might have been an illiterate guardian (not parent) and might have accompanied the kid on his parents’ instructions. 

On a separate note, their conversation helped clear my false notion that I looked at least marginally educated. 

During the exam, every single parent, without exceptions, broke into rambunctious conversations “what questions might have been asked, marks, education, stress, how to avoid TV and iPad, the dangers of video games”. I sat in a corner, responded to my work mails and typed this article This seemed to irk some parents even more. I heard comments on lines of "irresponsible parent", "hands-off parent" etc.

After the exam, I greeted my son with a smile, briefly asked him if was satisfied with his performance and simply yanked him into the waiting car. No regrets over unanswered questions, no review, no frustration with practice gone waste. As I drove out of the school premises, the attendant at the car park car remarked that parents like me were responsible for spoilt kids.

Most parents must have felt sorry for my son: their body language reflected that.

My son topped the exam the prior year and asked me to expect the same that year. I thought "If only parents stopped tormenting their kids and gave them freedom to perform."

As a leadership coach, I am often surprised how often "good" leaders from the corporate world turn out to be the opposite when parenting their kids. Not sure? Check some of these:

1.    Parents force their kids into so many extracurricular activities that kids have no energy left anymore. The same parent-leaders go out of the way to ask for "work-life balance" for themselves from their bosses.

2.    Some parents are so sensitive to exams and grades that they will force their kids to study, send them to coaching classes and literally "beat the marks" out of them - despite children showing marked talents in other areas. At work, the same parents-leaders will wax eloquent about the importance of "aligning purpose of life with work".

3.    Parents will frown when kids take breaks and play video-games -"what a waste of time". The same parents will advise their staff to "take periodic work breaks"

4.    Some parents hate iPad, PS and all other gadgets as drag on children's time. The same parents are earning their income by writing software for the same PS.

5.    To discipline kids, some parents throw tantrums, talk tough, refuse to listen to their kids and resort to threatening or give-and-take. At work, they ask their boss to "mentor" them, "build long-term relationships" in the "work ecosystem" and talk about the importance of "active listening".

Why this dichotomy?

One primary reason is that several parents invest a LOT of their emotions in their kids - forgetting friends, and all other relationships. Unwittingly, they see their own success in their kids. Worried that perceived societal failure of their kids would appear as their own failure, they go to any length to get their kids to appear “successful” externally – this makes them bend their kids' choices to antiquated social or academic norms. Surprisingly, several of such parents talk about being "detached" from work – but aren’t able to practice this at home.

I am not a child-psychologist but using some of the leadership principles from work at home will work wonders with kids. Understanding the talents of kids, building trusting relationships with them and then giving them all the latitude is all kids want. Kids want to be handled gently like kids BUT respected, valued and listened to like adults. And yes, they want to carve out and follow their own path of success – not blindly accede to your definition. 

Following the quotes below in spirit will work wonders for parents -

If you liked the article, pl follow me.

I would love to hear your views on the story. Please leave your comments in the box below.

Raja Jamalamadaka is a TEDx and corporate speaker, entrepreneur, mentor to startup founders, "Marshall Goldsmith award for coaching excellence" award winning top 100 coach to senior industry executives and a board director. He was adjudged as LinkedIn Top Voice 2018 for being one of the platform's most insightful and engaging writers. He serves on several CXO search panels. His primary area of research is neurosciences - functioning of the brain and its links to leadership attributes like productivity, confidence, positivity, decision making and organization culture. If you liked this article, you might like some of his earlier articles here:

How to use your brain effectively and be your creative best?

How to work 8 hours and accomplish more than 16 hours of work?

How I solved my phone addiction challenge ?

What is leadership?

How to overcome stage fear

How to be in the Right Place at the Right Time

How to use your brain effectively for success

How to stay relevant in a dynamic job market

How to sustain professional success

How to be Happy in Life

How to become an effective communicator