Edition 6 - If you don’t ask, you don’t get.

Hey folks,

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Right, let's get on with this weeks topic and another thing that my mum, Chris Brear, drilled into me as a kid “if you don’t ask, you don’t get”.

If you don’t ask, you don’t get.

Growing up a shy guy.

My name is David Brear and I am naturally an introvert. It’s hard to believe isn’t it today. I’m out there talking to people, shouting, on stage in front of 1000s of people, doing TV interviews and talking about what I believe in. I will reach out to whomever I need to further the cause we are pursuing at 11:FS. Rejection, dead ends, embarrassment, dismissal, my reputation and all these things are thrown to the wind in the pursuit of making it happen but it wasn’t always this way.?

I wasn’t always this confident. When I was growing up I was a very shy guy. I hated ever being the centre of any attention. I have literally never had a birthday party for that exact reason. I just didn’t like the idea of it and now I guess it’s too late for jelly and ice cream!

I was so shy that I didn’t like to talk to shop assistants, restaurant workers, family members, even teachers, and they all had things I wanted!?

My mum would say to me; "they are just people like you. Nothing special no better or no worse just people with different experiences". I took a little confidence from this.?

To try and combat my shyness my mum and me used to play a game. She used to ask me "if you could meet any celebrity who would it be?" I said immediately Daley Thompson… that dude was my hero growing up (I’m connected to him now on Linkedin and was genuinely so excited when he accepted it!)… she would quickly follow that question with “and what would you say?”

Most don’t think about what will happen when they succeed but Mum was trying to get me repeatedly, with a wish to meet my heroes, to think beyond just magically making them appear to think on my feet about what would I say? What did I want? What would I ask for?

We used to play this game when we walked the dog on the Norfolk coast regularly and I got pretty good at it. Thinking on my feet about what, as a 9 years old, I would say to Shaquille O’Neal, Michael Jordan, Angelina Jolie and Michael Jackson. Looking back on it if mum did have a magic wand and could have made those people appear I might have dodged a bullet on one of them.

I felt more confident. I knew that on the spot I had enough time to think on my feet about what I wanted to say and ask but that wasn’t the hard part. The hardest part was getting me in the room with them in the first place.

Don’t ask don’t get.

My mum used to drill me when we talked on this on this little mantra;

“Look if you don’t ask you don’t get. You’ve got to fight for what you want else you won’t get it. People won’t just magically turn up at your door having thought about what you want in order to give it to you. You’ve got to know what you want, figure out who has it and ask them for it.”

Being a dad now to two wonderful little Brears (Joshy and Ivy) I have no idea why mum put this into my head. Thankfully mine already ask too many questions; why this? Can I do that? They def don’t suffer from my shyness which is good for them. In fact, they often tell me off for telling them off saying “Nanny told us that if we don’t ask, we don’t get” - cheeky sods!

Separating the dreamers and the doers.

I love this quote from Steve Jobs on this subject;

“Most people never pick up the phone. Most people never call and ask. And that’s what separates sometimes the people who do things from those who just dream or talk about them. You gotta act. You gotta be willing to fail. You gotta be willing to crash a burn. With people on the phone or starting a company, if you’re afraid you’ll fail, you won’t get very far.”

Throughout my career, I’ve worked with some amazingly smart people. Drs, PHDs, brains as big as you like but, as Jobs said, the things that separated the ones who were successful and the ones who were just smart was not theory but practical application. The ones who made it happen did it on purpose. They asked, hell they demanded, what they needed in order to achieve and not once but over and over and over until they were done with it.

This requires you to think about what you want, who has it and how to ask them for it. Not just one of those things (or a random coffee - don’t do this!) but being able to have this rounded thought gives you a directness and, if you mix in a little empathy to that person’s situation, allows for the returns from this to be really significant. I am proof.

When most people think about taking a chance, they freeze, overthinking it with all the negative things that could potentially happen. They allow their inner voice, as I used to, to lay out all the negative things that could happen and this inhibits their ability for action.

The people who make it happen and drive impact, however, silence these voices by focusing on the potential positive outcomes that putting yourself out there could drive.?

Putting this into action: Josh and football.

This is a silly example but one that takes it outside of my sphere of influence as I’m sure a few of you will read this and say “with a verified Linkedin and Twitter and a rep in banking it must be easy to get people to respond”. To be fair the answer to that is yes today but it hasn’t always been that way. I’ve had to grind to get that rep to make those things happen to allow it to be easier but as is the process.

One example from over the Christmas season that takes the example outside of my sphere though was this. My son Josh is into playing football. His team are doing super well and while Josh enjoys football he isn't naturally good at it. Don’t get me wrong he isn’t bad but it just takes him a little longer and more practice to get it.?

Over the break and with all the time free with him being off school I wanted to get him some coaching and after looking through a few websites at students with little experience doing it on the side I thought hell “if you don’t ask you don’t get” so I reached out to one of the people who teaches the under 10s academy at Norwich City to ask for a recommendation or if they would give him some pointers??

I honestly didn’t expect them to return my message. After a day though and much to my surprise not only did they respond but they agreed to do it themselves as they have some free time over the break also. Suddenly Josh went from my terrible attempts at coaching to a premier league team under 10 academy coach giving a number of amazing training sessions and giving him some fantastic pointers.??

Josh has now massively improved, he is more confident and is performing better than he ever has done and scored a blinder at the weekend. But it all came from asking for something from someone that had what we wanted because if you don’t ask then you don’t get right?

Do good things come to those who wait?

There is a saying that goes along the lines of “good things come to those who wait?” well that is bullish!t in my family. Good things come to those who make them.?

Honestly, if you talk to anyone in 11:FS I think they will all agree that really when I boil down everything that I do, this might be my superpower. Hell, it might actually be my only power!

Great, you’re good at something David, well done you I hear you all cry, but what this means for you reading this is that what I am best at in the whole world is something that I’ve learned.?

It wasn’t a natural talent. Not some given gift from the gods but something I’ve been terrible at that left my stomach in knots that my mum taught me how to overcome with practice and a mantra to use every time I started to hear the negative voices in my head.

Today it is why regardless of who they are, what I want, where they are in the world then I will always ask because at the end of the day if you don’t ask then you don’t get and what’s the worst that could happen? They just say no.?

Okay, you've got homework. Take this and apply it to your life this week;

• Who has something you want? Information? Knowledge? Business? Promotion? Whatever.
• What specifically do you want from them? Not just to know them but what do you need and why? What difference to you would having this thing make?
• What message can get their attention? How can you bring them value? How can you connect with them empathetically?
• How can you get it to them? Linkedin? Email? Twitter DM? Pigeon?
• What do you say if they say yes? What's your next move? How do you make it happen?

Then send it.?Don't wait. Do it. They might not get back to you but you never know they also might give you the thing you need and change your week, your year or even your life.

See you next week.?

Dx

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