Edition #4 -- My slippery slope of white lies ??
Hi Crew,
The summer between third and fourth grade, my family moved from Columbus, GA, to Memphis.
After every grading period in my new school, we had to take our report cards home to be signed by our parents. I didn’t remember to get my signed, and I don’t remember it being a particularly bad report card; I just forgot.
But rather than tell the teacher this,?I TOLD HER MY GRANDMOTHER DIED.
Spoiler alert…Goggie was still alive and kicking.
Yep. I know what you’re thinking. This feels like an?extreme response for a relatively minor slip-up.
But all I can remember is this VISCERAL feeling that?I?wanted my teacher to like me.
This is my first memory of lying. And, there would be many more to follow. The lies mostly came in?saying things so other people?thought of me a certain way. But?being honest sometimes just doesn’t feel easy?for me.
And in a world where nearly every religion and society includes honesty in its moral teaching, I carry (on my way to carr-ied) an enormous amount of?shame?around this.
I guess I’m not alone. The average adult?lies on average between .59 - 1.56 times?per day.
And what I’m starting to think is that we live in a culture that actually values lies. Perhaps teaches us to lie?
Read on to learn more.
All my best,
Mary
“People pleasing is a process of guessing what other people want, or what will make them think favorably of us, and acting accordingly. It’s an often subtle and usually unconscious attempt to manipulate other people’s perceptions of us. But anytime we pretend to be something that we aren’t, we’re out of integrity with ourselves."
People-Pleasing is Lying Disguised in Sacrifice
We (ahem, women) are?conditioned?to?accommodate others at all costs.
But, people-pleasing has little to do with?genuinely?wanting the other person to be happy and?usually has everything to do with?controlling (or manipulating) what others think of you.?
Scenarios like this:
There is a spectrum here, but one of the biggest challenges is?what these seemingly small lies are doing to our brains.
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Your People-Pleasing Behavior May Increase During Stress
When we lie, there is a disconnect between the reward pathways in our brain and the?prefrontal cortex.
In repeated findings?around honesty,?lying went down by half when the prefrontal cortex was electrically stimulated.?
And what we know is that?sustained stress (um, like the last two years)?shrinks the activity of the prefrontal?cortex.?So if you already have challenges with your impulse control and executive function?(also present in individuals with?ADHD, PTSD, anxiety), you may be more susceptible to getting caught in the habit of?people-pleasing?lying.
Telling Small Lies is Like Death by 1,000 Paper Cuts
In a controlled experiment, researchers from Duke and University College London devised a scenario where the hypothesis was that?participants would tell increasingly more lies.?
This indeed happened, and when it did, they found that the?amygdala?(associated with emotions)?was active in the brain at the beginning of the experiment when participants began to lie. These same?brain areas showed less activity?as the experiment continued.
This tells us that we become somewhat?immune to the emotional effects of lying, so it gets?easier to lie.
If your lying comes in the form of people-pleasing, this is like taking the?autobahn to resentment and burnout.
How To Get Out of the People-Pleasing Vortex
So how can we use our knowledge of neuroscience to begin telling the truth? Based on what we know, the hypothesis is that?truth-telling?can strengthen neural circuits so that honesty becomes more habitual.
Expanders: Stuck in a rut and need some inspiration? Once a month, we will be highlighting professionals who aren't afraid to call bullshit.
Four Questions with Kacy Silverstein
Founding Partner | Bardo Consulting
Kacy is a?Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in the times when change feels IMPOSSIBLE yet necessary.?She lives in Nashville and has three ridiculously cute kids with her wife, Eydie.
Q: What do you do?
A: Bardo Consulting?specializes in providing responsive and customized care to individuals, families and professionals experiencing disruption, disconnection or transition. The essence of Bardo is?honoring and respecting the inevitable moments in life when gaps appear?– when change feels both impossible and yet necessary.?
Q: What do you now know that you wish you would have known earlier?
A: It takes?time to become who you want to be professionally and personally?and there is so much?value in the journey. I think it's really hard to believe that early in the journey - to trust it. It has taken me a long time to learn how to?listen to my own "felt sense"?or what I know as my gut instinct about things. I've always known that I wanted to be a force for good in the world but there have been many times that I have thought "what am I doing here?" or "Why I am I making these choices?"?I wish I had known earlier that those were places where I was abandoning myself?- I was abandoning my gut instinct about what I knew to be right or good or purposeful. What I know now that I wish I had known earlier is that?I am not my work. My work matters to me but?when I can lead with my heart more than my brain?then my work fits where it is supposed to be in the larger context of my life as a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a human being.?When I live for my work and nothing else, everything suffers.?I wish I could go back and tell my 25-year-old self that. But chances are she wouldn't have listened.
Q: What is a piece of commonly given advice that you don't subscribe to?
A: "Fake it, til you make it." I know this is a popular piece of advice and I've been told it myself but I don't like it. I think women, in particular, are told this quite often and the reason I don't like it is that I believe it put's the?idea of vulnerability in the workplace on the back burner. In other words, there is?no space for admitting that you don't know?something or that you are wanting to learn more or have the desire to improve or be mentored if you are constantly pouring your energy into "faking it." I spend a lot of time in my work saying?"I don't know the answer to that but I would like to learn more or let's see if we can figure that out together."?I also recognize that due to numerous dynamics of?culture and power, talking openly about vulnerability is not always an option.
Q: What is the last book, podcast, or resource that taught you something valuable?
A: I subscribe to?Cheryl Strayed's newsletter, "Dear Sugar,"?and it always teaches me something wonderful. I also recently read?What Happened to You? by Dr. Bruce Perry. I appreciate his work and the formatting of this book as a conversation with Oprah Winfrey. The focus of the book is on how our early experiences shape who we are, exploring both the neuroscience and the emotional patterns of trauma and resilience.
Q: Who is a mentor of yours and how did you meet them?
Dr. Linda Manning is a mentor of mine and has been for over twenty years. I met her when I was a freshman in college and signed up for a class she taught on Feminist Approaches to Clinical Practice in Psychology. She's a brilliant psychologist, activist, and one of the most heart-centered human beings I have ever known. I love her dearly and learn so much from her on a daily basis.
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