Echoes in the Night

Sam was down in the dumps, and who could blame him? His landlord had ordered him out of the apartment, and he had nowhere to go. Suddenly, a thought brought in a ray of hope. He could live with his good friend Jay!

The thought?was comforting?until he?was assailed?by another thought that said,?“What makes you so sure that Jay will put you up at his place?”

“Why?wouldn’t?he?”?said Sam to the thought, somewhat heatedly.?“After all, I found him the house he lives?in;?and?I?gave him the money to pay his rent for the first six months. Surely, the least he could do is put me up for a week or so when I am in trouble.”

That settled the matter until after dinner when he was again assailed by the thought:?“Suppose he were to refuse?”

“Refuse?”?said Sam.?“Why in?God’s?name would he refuse? The man owes me everything he has. It is I who got him his job; I who introduced him to that lovely wife of his. Will he grudge me a room for a week? Impossible!”

That settled the matter until he got to bed and found he?couldn’t?sleep because the thought came back to say,?“But just suppose he were to refuse. What then?”

It was getting too much for Sam.?“How the hell could Jay refuse?”?he said, his temper rising.?“If the man is alive today, it is because of me. I saved him from drowning when we were little kids. Will he be so ungrateful as to turn me out into the streets in the middle of winter?”

But the thought was persistent.?“Just suppose…” Sam struggled with it as long as he could. Finally, he got out of bed around two in the morning, went over to where Jay lived, and kept his finger pressed against the doorbell button till his friend, half asleep, opened the door and said in astonishment,?“Sam! What is it? What brings you here in the middle of the night?”

Sam was so angry?by now?he?couldn’t?keep himself from yelling,?“I will tell you what brings me here at this hour of the night! If you think I?am going to?ask you to put me up even for a single day, you are mistaken. I?don’t?want to have anything to do with you, your house, or your family. To hell with you all!”?With that, he turned on his heel and walked away.

Though?Sam's?reaction was intense, have you ever had an internal dialogue fuelled by assumptions that seemed valid at the time?

When facing stress alone,?it's?easier to spiral into negative thinking patterns. But as Max?Ehrmann's?"Desiderata"?puts it:?"Do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness."

Often, negative spirals?are based?on our narratives. For instance,?Sam's?final response to Jay?was based?on his assumptions that his thoughts were accurate.?He believed what he?was thinking?to be true without even knowing?Jay's actual?stance on the situation.

Perhaps,?Jay would have said?"yes"?at once or would have found another way to support him. Sam could have considered other avenues to seek support in case Jay?was unable to?help. Channelling his thoughts and energy into thinking of a backup plan could have diverted his thoughts into planning rather than going down the spiral.

One common trigger for such thought loops, often discussed in coaching sessions, is the absence of a response to a text message or an email. Our mind begins to assign various meanings to a delay in response:

"Perhaps the person is upset with me";

"The person does not consider me important enough";

"The person does not want me on their team/group any?more"

How do we break these thought loops? One way is to ask ourselves better questions. Instead of asking ourselves,?"Why?isn't?the person answering the text?"?and getting sidetracked, we could ask ourselves questions that bring us back to our original purpose of reaching out:

1. What is the impact of not receiving this response?
2. How long can I wait for a response?
3. What are some other steps that I can take to move forward?

Some other helpful questions could be:

What else could this delay mean? This question opens up the possibility of other reasons for the delay.

What assumptions am I making about this delay? Are they based on facts? This question helps us examine the validity of the thoughts and?assumptions?causing the negative loop.

What action can I take now to address my concerns? This question focuses on proactive?steps to manage?the situation rather than dwelling on negative thoughts.

If it is a work-related email or a text, there will be a certain threshold before?it's?time for a follow-up. Often, there are alternate ways of moving forward - someone else on the team may be able to give us a response.

Not receiving a response can feel unsettling. Sometimes, it feels even more distressing when the situation is personal. Waiting can be difficult?and,?it evokes feelings of uncertainty and discomfort.

Here are some gentle strategies to manage the emotional impact of not receiving a response:

Practicing?self-compassion:?Acknowledging our feelings of disappointment or hurt without judgment and treating ourselves with kindness, recognising that it is natural to feel unsettled.

Considering other possibilities:?Considering that the lack of response may not be personal. People have busy lives and may not always be able to respond promptly. It helps to avoid assuming?negative?intentions without evidence.

Expressing our feelings:?Sharing?our feelings?with a trusted friend or writing them down in a journal could?be a way of creating?some psychological distance from the situation.?Expressing our emotions can help?process?them and gain clarity.

Practicing?patience: Giving the other person the benefit of the doubt and allowing them more time to respond. Sometimes, delays happen due to unforeseen circumstances. Sometimes, people?just?need to be given their space.

Engaging in soothing activities:?Engaging in activities that bring comfort and joy, such as listening to music or spending time in nature.

Focusing?on what one can control: Instead of fixating on the lack of response,?focusing?on what we can control and do about the situation at hand.

Set boundaries:?If waiting for a response becomes too emotionally taxing, one could consider setting a time limit to waiting before seeking closure in other ways.

Practising gratitude:?Focusing on the positive aspects of our life and the relationships that bring us joy and fulfilment. Cultivating gratitude can help shift our perspective towards constructive thinking.

Once we realise the power of asking ourselves better questions and telling?ourselves?better stories, some of our stress and mental clutter begin to fade.

The power to change our narrative lies within us alone.

What strategies do you use to effectively break negative thought loops and engage constructively with your thoughts?

Credits and References:

1) Picture Credit : Pexels - Lucas Pezeta

2) Source of the story : Heart of the Enlightened by Anthony De Mello