Eating Out...........Don't invite me

I do love to share a wander through the chaos of my life so thought I would share this with you.  I hope you enjoy it and it makes you smile.

Somehow it's always when I try to be posh, or above myself as mum would call it, that I seem invariably to come a cropper.  Why do I do it I ask myself?  I have no answer.

I was off to an Ann Summers party, come on now we've all been to one.  During the 90's some friend of mine was always having one of these home parties.  A Satin and Lace party was a popular one.  I remember my whole house covered in lace curtains, pillows, cushions and bedding.  I had a satin bedspread and nylon sheets.  There were sparks in my bedroom I tell you.  Every time I turned over in bed it was like Blackpool illuminations with the crackles and sparks created by the friction of the nylon and satin.  It saved on the electricity bills though I could almost run my own generator.  They had to go unfortunately.  I got up one night and my poor husband screamed and was trashing and twitching around the bed like he had been tasered.  Then I caught my foot in the lace overlay went flying across the room and stotted my head off the wall.  He twitched, I cried and I dread to think what the neighbours thought.  Back to cotton it was.

Anway, my friend's daughter in law was having an Ann Summers Party and I was told it would be fun.  I was a bit skint at the time to be honest but there were lots of people going and a lovely buffet afterwards she said.  Magic words.  Buffet.  Now I had only met her daughter in law a couple of times so I was to be on my best behaviour and not make any rude comments.  Whaaaaaat this is an Ann Summers party.  Rude comments and dirty jokes are all part of the fun surely.  I had been to many of them before and knew what was on offer.  Not that I bought anything you understand.  It had been a long day at work and I was absolutely starving and praying she was showing us the last (how can I put this.... play thing).  Pleeeeeze all I want out of life at this moment is a sausage roll.  The buffet table did indeed look extremely inviting.  It was a lovely house and there were pretty little dishes of finger food everywhere for people to nibble om.  I had already managed to eat  three bowls of nuts and Bombay mix when finally it was announced the buffet was open for anyone who was hungry.

Nobody moved.  Oh for God's sake now they wanted to try the clothes on and play with the toys.  What was the matter with these people.  Step away from the vibrator.....there's food over there people.  FOOD.  I was very good though.  I chatted as I slunk over to the table smiling and nodding as I went.  I didn't make a dash for it as I usually do.  I just wandered casually nodding and grinning until eventually I reached the food.  There was only one other person at the table and she smiled at me.  A girl after my own heart I thought.  She inclined her head towards the laughter coming from the other side of the room.  When you've seen one you've seen them all she said in a very posh accent before popping a chipolata into her mouth.  Excuse me.  What on earth made this woman think I had seen it all before.  I mean, I had but that's not the point.  What an infernal cheek.  I tried to look haughty and demure.  I was going for the 'I am above all this' look.  Actually, says I, I've had rather a long day at the office, meetings and all that you know.  Absolutely no time to eat so I'm actually rather hungry.  My fingers reached for a paper plate and hovered over the sausage rolls which were ready to throw themselves at my mouth.  However, my fingers continued to hover until they reached a bowl of rather fancy looking food in a big bowl in the centre of the table. I wanted to look like one of those people with a sophisticated palate who eat Suchi.  Personally I would rather stick pins in my eyes than eat the stuff but hey ho.  She raised her eyebrows but I ignored her.  All I really wanted was that delicious doorstep of corned beef and potato pie shovelled into my mouth but appearances must be upheld.  Do excuse me, I said to her in my best posh voice, then delicately popped a handful of whatever it was into my mouth.

It was at this point I began to choke and splutter grabbing the attention of everyone in the room.  It was vile.  Utterly and completely vile.  To add insult to injury posh girl banged me on the back and it all flew out of my mouth.  You might like a little water with that she said smirking, I always find it a little dry myself.

Oh Sue what have you done my friend, Eva said, hurrying across the room.  Just get me a drink now I said and she ran off to grab me a very large glass of wine.  I stood there trying my best to look like a woman of the world and when my friend returned I held on  to my glass with my little pinky raised.

Eva chinked glasses with me.

Not too keen on the food I said.  That was vile, for goodness sake what on earth was it.

Pause...............

Sue

Yes Eva

It was Pot Pourri

WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!

You have just eaten a handful of Pot Pourri.

What in all that is Holy was a bowl of Pot Pourri doing on a buffet table.

Decorative purposes only apparently.  Nobody else tried to eat it but we will quickly skim over that point.  Never in my life have I been to another Ann Summers Party.  The association is just too much.  Scarred I was.  Scarred.

Travel forwards a few years and I was out for Sunday lunch with my friend Gillian and our daughters.  The Toby Carvery was the place to go she told me, so off we went extremely hungry looking forward to a big Sunday feed.  I absolutely love a carvery and this one looked particularly splendid.  The Yorkshire Puddings were the size of footballs and I made my way along heaping the food onto my plate as I went.  Chicken, peas, carrots, broccoli, fluffy mashed potato and stuffing.  Then yes, there they were, my absolute favourites.  Roast potatoes mmmmmm.  Oh look at the size of them beauties I shouted down the line to Gillian.  I don't try to be posh with Gillian you see.  She knows too much.  I leaned over and stretched out my arms, spoon in each hand so I could grab the largest potatoes before dropping them on my plate.  I did actually hear the waiter further down behind the counter shouting something but I was like a woman possessed piling them onto my plate.  There was more shouting but I wasn't listening I was concentrating on lifting the large jug of gravy to pour over my beautiful roasties.  Suddenly the waiter grabbed my hand.  Stop madam he shouted then grabbed the gravy jug from my hands.  The whole queue was looking at me.  What on earth?

Madam, he said politely, you have just put the plastic display roast potatoes on your plate.  There was a pause before the whole queue erupted into laughter.  Gillian had to put her tray down as she was bent double tears running down her face and the girls......  well the girls were totally beside themselves and absolutely hysterical. With as much dignity as I could muster I slowly replaced the plastic potatoes and made my way to find a seat.  We all had indigestion after that meal as nobody could eat for laughing.

Yes, I often look back on that day with a smile, when I went to the Toby Carvery and had to be held back from pouring gravy over the plastic potatoes.

Oh well.

Ooooh and then there was the day in Fenwick's cafe some years ago.  Now I love a cafe.  I am seriously disappointed if I go anywhere and there isn't a decent one.  I remember one year on holiday  in Spain when my husband and I  went on a coach trip to see the 'real' Spain and some church at the top of a hill.    Anyway it was many years ago when I could actually managed to walk a few hundred yards without tripping over my walking stick (that's another story).  It was culture apparently, who wanted to lie around a swimming pool all day?  Erm me.  Eventually after the road of what seemed like a  million steps to the top of Kilimanjaro, we eventually reached the church. There was a gasp as everyone looked out over the wall at the incredible view.  Oh my goodness I shrieked with delight.  Look at that.  Everyone in the group turned round reaching for their cameras.  Look, I squealed, a cafe.  My husband at this point disowned me and pretended he had never seen me before in his life.  OK well I get excited about cafe's rather than views.  Just who I am.

Anyway I digress. So here I was in town getting a little shopping and I decided that a much needed cut of tea was in order.  I love looking at the girls behind the make up counters with their totally perfect hair and make up don't you?  How do they do it.  I ask you, how?  This was the middle of the afternoon and they were still perfectly groomed.  I had done my hair and make up and 9 am and by half past I looked like I had been dragged through a hedge backwards.  There was a tall woman with a fancy little blonde bob and the most gorgeous outfit and matching handbag buying perfume looking to all the world like she was worth a fortune.  Bet she had matching underwear on aswell. Note to self if I want to look elegant I must buy myself a matching handbag.  Wonder what goes with black leggings, pink top and flip flops.  She notices me looking and tuts so I scuffle off to the cafe.  I know my place.

I never visited Newcastle without going for tea and cake in Fenwicks.  So there I was in the queue with my pot of tea and a Peach Melba.  It was quite busy and there was a long queue and we were all doing the shuffling the trays along as we went routine.  I was looking at the melba and licking my lips.  Patience is not one of my strong points.  I wondered, if anyone would notice and I looked around.  My eyes strayed once more to the melba.  Nobody would notice I thought and I placed my fingers on the edge of the tray and slid them slowly over to the melba and scooped a big bit out before hurriedly putting it in my mouth.  I heard a slight cough behind me.  It was the perfectly dressed woman from earlier.  I ignored her.  Mum would have been horrified but she wasn't there.  Fingers are not for eating she would say.  Tried eating a peach melba with a fork have you?  Of course, being me I plunged once more into my cake and licked every single bit of it off my finger just to annoy posh lady.  Then I turned, smiled at her and said.

Delicious cake you should try one.

She paused, looked down at me and said, I did.  That's my cake.

Somehow I found I was unable to speak.  I looked around and there it was.  My tray had somehow been pushed down the line without me realising.  I giggled like an complete and total idiot.  She didn't laugh.

Only one thing left to do when things like that happen.  RUN AWAY   RUN AWAY

Moral of the story, never ever ever take me anywhere for a meal.......ever.