Easing the Suffering of Others

Despite taking several classes and reading many personal growth books, I'm realizing the variations of "listening" and becoming aware of an area I want to "move the needle" on - in a positive way.

How do you listen?

For various reasons (aka excuses / conditioning) I've always listened to

• find a connection - relate to the person or the topic, or
• to understand - the person, their viewpoint, the issue
• identify (diagnose) the problem - so I can help them solve "it" - whatever it is

Compassionate (deep) listening has not been my norm.

Imagine someone who is struggling. They need to talk.

Will they talk to someone - or suffer alone?

If they fear they won't be understood - probably not.

If they feel they'll be judged - definitely not.

What if we approached people who are suffering - without judging or assessing

• a) their LEVEL of suffering

("You should be thankful you have ____." "You have so much to be thankful for.")

• b) their ABILITY to process through suffering or their STRENGTH in solving problems related to their suffering

("You're too emotional." "You need to pull yourself up by your bootstraps." "You need to _____." "Try practicing gratitude...it helps!")

• c) their lifestyle or DECISIONS (or lack of) that might have contributed to their suffering.

("Well...IF YOU JUST ___________." "Maybe you should learn your lesson." "Maybe you need to make better decisions." "Maybe you need to prioritize better." + Insert endless problem solving list here.")

What if, for the person who is suffering, we ease that suffering?

How can you relieve someone's suffering?

By DEEP LISTENING.

There is only one purpose in deep listening - to help the person suffer less by allowing them to empty what's on their heart.

Even if they have some facts mixed up, even if they feel bitter or angry, even if _______.

Rather than solve it and guide them to your way of thinking and help them "adjust" their thinking, you don't.

The goal is just to listen with the purpose of helping them to suffer less, by sharing their struggle.

It's such a simple concept, but profound.

I learned a similar skill in professional coach training called "Empty the Person." Our goal in coaching was to get all the "stuff" out, without judging, solving, and creating goals around how to fix each bit. When the client was empty is when they had a fighting chance to make changes and move forward.

Whether you're coaching, parenting, or listening as a friend practicing deep listening can bring healing and transformation.

Later, you can offer other perspectives, ideas, and options for moving forward.

Start with deep listening to relieve suffering.

And there's a lot of suffering so we have ample opportunity to practice this simple and profound skill.

I regret not learning or practicing this skill earlier and I apologize to those whom I've jumped to helping "solve the problem" without first allowing you to empty your struggle.

People like my friends, family and even clients.

When we know better, we do better.

Inspired by Oprah's chat with Thich Nhat Hanh on Super Soul Sunday.Dee