It Is Easier to Throw Flowers Instead of Rocks

The power of praise and constructive criticism over blame.

Everywhere you turn, someone seems to have something negative or reductive to say. Somedays feel like that more than others, but long story short, criticism often overshadows compassion.

What if you kept this thought in mind before you hurled your next insult or criticism at someone: “It is easier to throw flowers instead of rocks.”

I overheard a French buddy say this phrase about using positive feedback to encourage growth. It sounded much better with the French accent, but the point was made. I asked him what that meant precisely, and he told me that too many people use their words as rocks and hurt those they aim at with them, whereas if you use throw flowers (nice words), they will be more receptive — it is a play off of the old saying “you catch more flies with honey.”

My French buddy also said, “If you throw flowers instead of rocks, it will hurt less on the way down.

Maybe the last part of the phrase was lost in translation, but the first part was significant enough for me.

“It is easier to throw flowers instead of rocks” serves as a poignant reminder of the power of our words and actions. This metaphor highlights a fundamental truth: our method and tone to communicate feedback can significantly impact people's feelings, morale, and performance.

The Impact of Praise and Constructive Criticism

Praise and constructive criticism are two sides of the same coin, essential for growth and improvement.

Praise can boost confidence, motivate, and reinforce positive behavior when genuine and specific. It acknowledges the effort and progress, making people feel valued and appreciated.

On the other hand, constructive criticism is equally crucial. It provides actionable feedback, offering a clear path for improvement without diminishing the person’s sense of self-worth. When delivered effectively, it helps people recognize their areas for growth in a supportive context, encouraging learning and development.

The Art of Delivering Constructive Criticism

The art of constructive criticism lies in its delivery.

The “sandwich method” is a widespread technique where criticism is “sandwiched” between two layers of praise. This approach softens the blow of criticism and ends the conversation positively, making the recipient more receptive to feedback. However, balance and sincerity are essential; over-praising or insincere compliments can dilute the message, while harsh criticism can demoralize and discourage.

The Downside of Criticism and Blame

In contrast to the nurturing nature of praise and constructive criticism, criticism and blame can have detrimental effects.

Criticism can lead to feelings of inadequacy and defensiveness when focused solely on what went wrong without offering solutions or encouragement.

It often focuses on the person rather than the problem, damaging self-esteem and relationships. Blame, a step further, not only criticizes but also assigns fault, creating a culture of fear and resentment. This approach discourages taking risks or admitting mistakes, stifling growth and innovation.

Shifting from a Blame Culture to a Growth Mindset

The shift from a blame culture to a growth mindset is fundamental in transforming how we perceive failure and success.

A growth mindset, popularized by psychologist Carol Dweck, posits that abilities and intelligence can be developed through dedication and hard work. In this framework, constructive criticism becomes a tool for learning, not a weapon of judgment.

Embracing a growth mindset encourages resilience, where challenges are seen as opportunities for growth rather than insurmountable obstacles. This mindset enables an environment where people feel safe to explore, innovate, and admit mistakes, knowing they will receive support and guidance to learn from them.

Strategies for Effective Feedback

To cultivate a positive feedback culture, whether in personal relationships, classrooms, or workplaces, several strategies can be employed:

1. Focus on Behavior, Not the Person: When giving feedback, focus on specific behaviors or actions rather than personal attributes. This approach reduces defensiveness and makes the feedback more actionable.

2. Be Specific and Objective: Provide clear examples to help the recipient understand the context and reason behind the feedback. This clarity helps translate feedback into actionable steps for improvement.

3. Encourage a Two-Way Dialogue: Feedback should be a two-way conversation where the recipient feels heard and understood. Encouraging them to share their perspective fosters a collaborative approach to problem-solving and growth.

4. Offer Support and Resources: Alongside feedback, offer support and resources to help the individual improve. This could be through training, mentoring, or simply being available to answer questions.

5. Practice Empathy: Deliver feedback with empathy and kindness, understanding that everyone has different thresholds for receiving criticism. Tailoring your approach can make the difference between demoralization and motivation.

Final Thoughts

The choice between throwing flowers or rocks symbolizes our approach to interaction and feedback.

By choosing to “throw flowers,” we opt for a compassionate, constructive approach that nurtures growth and improvement. This method minimizes the “hurt” of falling short and uplifts and motivates individuals towards their potential.

As we navigate personal and professional landscapes, let us remember the transformative power of our words and actions. By promoting an environment rich in praise and constructive criticism, we can cultivate a culture of resilience, growth, and mutual respect where every individual has the opportunity to flourish.

Thank you for reading.

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