Dystopian love and the intricacies of dating in 2023: A story of hope despite its title

Do we have too many mating options to choose from as a result of technology and social media, that we are becoming increasingly confused and our brains and souls can’t pick and stay with a partner??

These were the topics of dinner conversations and informal chats, which inspired Salon 0.2.- Dystopian love-, aiming at promoting human connection through conversation and discussion.

The following are the main take outs from the talks and the attendees’ questions, the findings that inspired me during my research and where I believe relationships are headed towards.?

Online apps bias our behaviour and our perceptions of dating and love?

When I started researching the intricacies of dating in 2023, the data highlighted the influence of online apps and social media on our current mating behaviours.?

The obvious starting point was the range of technology-enabled choices that we have nowadays. When digging further, however, I found that there are greater complexities influencing the way in which we relate to one another.?

The data shows that only a handful of men get the majority of the likes on online dating apps, based on, mostly physical, criteria. This excludes eligible men from the dating pool, and leads women to compete for a few men (Kopf, 2017).

What seems to happen is that men and also women are having less sex as real-life encounters seem rarer and? we rely more on technology for finding partners, which ironically creates distance between us, as opposed to bringing us closer to one another.??

The emergence of online dating prompted negative behaviours such as ghosting, which is ignoring a person entirely after one or more interaction(s) and, some less known, including breadcrumbing, which is to give people just enough attention in order to keep them engaged, have made finding a partner a minefield, negatively impacting our mental health.?

Some refer to lack of sex and romantic relationships as factors contributing to the increase of violence amongst men, porn and gaming addiction and risky sexual activity. Porn, especially, exerts pressure on people to perform sexually in ways that are unsafe, with extreme cases ending in death. A counter-discourse has emerged as a consequence of the latter and some women are taking a stance about sexual positivity and deciding to sexually abstain altogether (Perry, L. 2022, Hinsliff, 2022, Peterson, J., 2022).?

In addition, bigger social issues such as women earning power increasing and birth rates decreasing are questioning monogamy as the only way of relating, given that reproduction is not the main goal for everyone. Exploring other possibilities to relate such as polygamy, thus, has become an option worth considering for some.

Monogamy and non-monogamy are optional

From an anthropological viewpoint, monogamy was traditionally the exception and not the rule across cultures.

Moving away from the biological debate between monogamy vs. polygamy, which confirms our polygamous inherent tendencies, Salon discussed both options as choices.

Whilst it is clear that historically, monogamy posed advantages for the first political states, such as increased wealth, social stability and equality in access to potential partners, polygamy was and still is, in some non-Western cultures, the norm (Schuiling, 2003; VerBruggen, 2016.; S., Carter & A., Perkeybile., 2018).?

Our capitalist society reinforced monogamy as the only option to relate, with obvious benefits to married people regarding taxation and other rights- e.g. Citizenship, property taxes, etc.-.

Despite its clear advantages, this widespread model is being challenged by other ways of relating, such as polyamory, which has been adopted in some circles.?

The topic was discussed at Salon from the perspective that polyamory is a choice for anyone, regardless of their socio-economic situation.?

In answering how functional a polyamorous structure is, the speakers highlighted that it requires clear arrangements and communication amongst all parties.?????????????????

Although the monogamous attendees didn’t seem convinced about the logistics of making polyamory work for themselves, the speakers argued that accepting various modalities of being with more than one partner, cuts through unhealthy lying, lack of communication and it opens up space for difficult conversations, which results in increased intimacy.

They explained that due to the inherent complexities of relating with various people at once, polyamorous relationships help develop communication skills as they prompt openness and vulnerability. They also acknowledged that there could be jealousy. When in these situations, keeping an open communication is essential as well as owning those feelings.?

Other questions raised the point of having children in a polycule, as a polyamorous structure is known. The speakers named the benefits of raising them in a community, which provides more support to the parents. This was contested by the attendees who raised the point of the complexity of economic resources’ distribution in a polyamorous structure in a capitalist society. It was clear that there’s still a lot to be figured out?

Hopeful responses to a dystopian landscape?

There was not one single conclusion per se from the discussion about our dystopian love landscape, however, these are my main take outs from what I have listened to, observed and inevitably, from my own experience:?

• It is agreed that technology, apps and the easy access to sex cause more damage than not, to people’s nervous systems. The apparent availability, followed by the rejection caused by unhealthy online behaviours, enhances feelings of loneliness and isolation causing people to either engage in unsafe sexual relationships, or abstain from having them altogether.?
• As a response, social counter- movements are emerging, including men who don’t masturbate, nor watch porn. Their arguments range from keeping their testosterone levels to practising self-restraint. There are groups of women as well, going back to not having casual sex, or sex while dating until making sure that they can engage safely in a relationship.?
• Responding differently to the negative patterns attached to online dating there are apps that promote sex positivity, such as Feeld, as well as Thursday which is designed to promote offline encounters facilitated by the online experience.
• In the offline world, communities around niche topics, well-being, health, soberness, etc. are emerging, to fill in the void that people who are not comfortable with online interactions feel. In my experience, these spaces offer vulnerability and women, more than men, are drawn to them. My wish and hope is that as society starts moving away from toxic masculinity, we see more men opening up to these.?
• If non-monogamous relationships have something to teach us, it is that only in dialogue and openness we can achieve increased intimacy. Learning to be more vulnerable while in relationship, having hard conversations, exploring new, sexual spaces together, learning how to deal with jealousy and seeing the benefits of listening to one another, are the behaviours that monogamous and non-monogamous people could put in practice.
• Lastly, taking healthy breaks from online dating and alternating this and real-life experiences can help counteract the negative impact that the overload of choice and rejection have on our mental health.?

Bibliography?

VerBruggen, R. Is Monogamy unnatural. IFS. 2016.?

Shuiling, GA. The benefit and the doubt. Why Monogamy. Journal of psychosomatic obstetrics and ginaecology. 2003

Carter & A., Perkeybile. The monogamy paradox: what do love and sex have to do with it. Frontiers. 2018. Accessed from: https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fevo.2018.00202/full?

Henderson, R. 2019.Luxury beliefs are the latest status symbol for rich Americans. Accessed from: https://nypost.com/2019/08/17/luxury-beliefs-are-the-latest-status-symbol-for-rich-americans/

Perry, L. 2022. Accessed from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0K1ZIbFU6O4&ab_channel=Triggernometry

Hinsliff, G. 2022. ‘It stopped me having sex for a year’: why Generation Z is turning its back on sex-positive feminism

?Accessed from: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2022/feb/02/it-stopped-me-having-sex-for-a-year-why-generation-z-is-turning-its-back-on-sex-positive-feminism