Dyscalculia & Me

I realised at a very early age that numbers were not my thing. It’s not just that I didn’t like numbers, it’s that no matter how much I tried I could not process numerical information. Back in the early 90’s, an understanding of neurological conditions such as dyslexia and ADHD was pretty much unheard of (of course the conditions were always there, just a lack of research and understanding) and I therefore labelled myself as stupid. Teachers proceeded to ignore my struggles because back then, you were either good or bad at something.

My parents were both well-educated and understood numbers with ease. Therefore, when it came to trying to teach me maths and support me, there were many arguments and frustrations. I vividly remember sitting at the kitchen table and my dad losing patience with me, he just did not understand how I could not process or remember simple numbers. I must add his frustrations came from a good place, he is from a generation where an ‘A’ in maths will get you places.

To support me, my parents arranged for private maths tuition and threw everything they could at the ‘issue’. Assuming that the more I was exposed to mathematics the more natural it would become. I started to fear maths and put boundaries up. For GCSEs I was predicted a U, I tried SO hard and retook my maths exam three times, finally landing on a ‘D’ and my maths teacher unhelpfully said “You were only a few points from a C” – that was pretty deflating (again, I’m sure this came from a motivating place).

I threw myself into English and drama and thrived in these topics, a confident public speaker from an early age and represented our school at many events.

Fast forward to my 20s and I still didn’t know my times tables, struggled with train rotas?and could not process data (back then I worked in retail and needed to understand store profit, loss and everything in between). I remember looking at a rota once and crying because I couldn’t see between the lines and the dates. Simple stuff to so many people.

I still thought I was stupid.

In my late 30s, I was introduced to dyscalculia 'a specific learning disability that affects a person's ability to understand and work with numbers and mathematical concepts’. Suddenly the fog cleared…there may be a reason my brain is the way it is. Perhaps I am not stupid!

I carried out hours of research and identified with every challenge others faced. Completing free online assessments, results came back as ‘100% likely to live with dyscalculia’ Whilst there are official diagnostics you can complete (around ￡1000 a pop), it’s still an unknown neurodiverse condition and I am therefore self-diagnosed.

Acceptance of the condition has been a huge relief to me and I can feel at ease with not being ‘number-shaped’. However, as a parent of a 7 year old I live in constant fear of his maths homework…perhaps I’ll call my Dad!

For me, dyscalculia presents in the following ways (it may be different for others)

• I cannot remember numbers. I could be told a room number and forget it within seconds
• I cannot process calculations in any format (even using a calculator as my brain isn’t equipped to understand the processes needed…I mean, what even are half of those buttons?)
• Numbers have to be read out in blocks of 2s. I ask people to do this for me, even if they find it unnatural
• I cannot remember processes in Excel – too many numbers swirling around
• I cannot process large amounts of numbers, like a bus timetable or a telephone number
• I can only read an analogue watch/clock. The 24-hour clock throws me and I always need to use 18:00 (6 pm) as my base time to count forwards or backwards
• I still use my fingers to count

How do I manage?

Even thinking about this my heart rate has increased. Commonly I fret, I procrastinate, I overcomplicate, my mind goes blank, I switch off, I waffle. I cry.

Naturally, I cannot avoid numbers (albeit I try) so I have needed to find some techniques to support day-to-day. My biggest piece of advice is to not hide behind the fear – just because you think differently that does not make you stupid. I am incredibly open with my team and they will either offer help or understand I may need more time. They don’t know how much this means to me.

If I know I need to work with data I try to focus when I am most lit. For me, this is first thing in the morning. I schedule quiet time and reframe my mind to be a little more patient. Data after 4 pm is a no-go!

I allow more time. If I’m pressured for some data, I’ll explain why there may be a small delay.

I use online tools and calculators, as long as I understand the process

I lean on others. Always.

I know that I am not stupid ??

My advice for others

Become comfortable in not being number-shaped and celebrate the other skills and behaviours you have. Openness has been key for me, I hope it can be for others too.