THE DYNAMICS OF SUICIDE

This article was inspired by a recent loss of a close associate to suicide and how the family is struggling to come to terms with it.

Suicide is the act of taking one’s own life intentionally; mostly, as a ‘safety net’ to escape some of life’s ‘unbearable’ challenges. This is different from ‘Euthanasia’- which is a painless killing or assisted suicide of a patient suffering from an incurable and painful disease.

Suicide is one of the ‘uncomfortable’ topics rarely discussed for obvious reasons. Education must be intensified to erase the stereotype and stigmatization associated with mental health issues to assuage the anxiety of potential victims.

The World Health Organisation estimates that around 1 million people take their own lives each year globally. This is alarming. It is therefore imperative for this global epidemic to be given a pivotal and critical look because every human life is important.

The question is: what would influence someone to jump in front of a moving train or put a gun to their own head? As much as much is known about the visible causal factors, much is still unknown about the decision making process. The emotional complexity of the decision-making process does not seem to be well understood.

It stands to reason that a person of a ‘sound mind’ will not just get up one day and decide to end their life. Ideally, we are all afraid of dying; so what would give someone the ‘courage’ to overcome the fear of death? Does the ‘courage’ to die exceed the courage to live? Does death become desirable because life has become unbearable?

Statistics reveal that nearly 90% of people who attempt/commits suicide usually suffers from some sort of a ‘mental disorder’.

IS IT THE DYING PER SA THAT IS DESIRED?

A common denominator in research shows that suicide wouldn’t be a choice for most people if there was a coping mechanism between life and death. Statistics reveal that even the most severely depressed person has mixed feelings about death, and often contemplates between life and death until the very last moment. This evident that, It is not the dying per se that is desired, but a desperate attempt to alienate themselves from the pain and suffering that has become unbearable.

They just want to stop hurting. They just want the pain to go away; and to them, only death could solve that/put an end to the pain. This is synonymous to someone deciding to jump from the 20th floor of a building to escape a fire outbreak. Their immediate will is to escape the burning fire, and not whether they’ll fall to their death in the process, or break their spine.

WHO IS AT RISK?

Anyone can have suicidal thoughts: the rich, poor, educated, illiterate, celebrity, children, youth, adults and the elderly. Thus, most people are susceptible at some point in their lives when they have clutched at the last straw and there’s nothing more left in their arsenal. An extreme state of hopelessness.

It does not take poverty to influence a dark thought in a person’s head. A person’s lived reality may have nothing to do with their outward happiness. This negates the pervasive assumption that an overt display of happiness is an indicator of a sound and content mind. Money and fame have been proven not to be a substitute for inner peace.

The notion that people who are affluent, successful and seemingly happy, who have contributed to the laughter of many, like actor Robin Williams and successful fashion designer like Kate Spade can concede to the tenets of their conviction, then it stands to reason that none of us is immune to suicidal thoughts. The decision for one to take their own life may be perceived negatively and irrational, but given the context, it may be a rational decision for the victims. Yes, suicide may never be an option under any circumstance to the majority of people, but to the victims, it is a choice and a ‘rational’ decision. This is a significant phenomenon which seems to elude many. 

SIGNS AND RISK FACTORS (disclaimer)

These are not absolute since each incident is different. Thereby, generalization may not be accurate. It is context-driven. This depends on different variables, which is to do with the person’s age, stage, circumstance, and family history.

Children and Teens: some of the stated risk factors include a history of family suicide. A story is told of an 8-year-old child who nearly jumped in front of a train because she wanted to die and be with her mother who died of cancer. Other risk factors include bullying, sexuality, suicide games, depression, ADHD, family breakdown, extreme anxiety with exams pressure, fear of being castigated for a wrong done, and, but not limited to the struggle to fit in. Some of the known signs to look out for, albeit, may not always be the case, include: withdrawal and isolation from friends, families, and activities, Neglect of self, rebellion, the sudden interest in footages of violence and self-harm; and, but not limited to drawing, writing or talking about death.

Middle age and Adults:  depression has been given as the top risk factor of nearly 90% of victims, according to statistics. Other risk factors include massive life changes like loss of income/employment, divorce, wrongful imprisonment, betrayal, extreme shame from a social vice, and, but not limited to, unbearable physical pain from a chronic ailment. Some of the signs may include anxiety, despair or hopelessness, social isolation, alcohol and substance abuse, stockpiling medication, recklessness and dangerous living, and but not limited to accessing information on suicide materials.

The Aged and the Elderly:  known risk factors include the death of a lifelong partner and wanting to join them, loss of independence, loss of health, chronic disease and physical pain, and, a feeling of being a burden, but not limited to isolation or change of usual environment. Signs include: the sudden giving away of possessions, revising a will, making funeral arrangements, saying excessive goodbyes, efforts to bury the hatchet, and, but not limited to suicidal talks like ‘am tired of living, am better off dead’, I don’t want to be a burden on anyone etc.

HELPING THOSE AT RISK

Talking about suicidal thoughts is the first step to recovery. Therefore, when you make an observation, or when someone confides in you that they contemplating suicide, they do not need your judgment, rather, your understanding and support.

When it comes to suicide, nothing should be left to contingency. You have to provide a listening ear and show empathy. You should allow them to free their mind, vent anger and offload everything. They need to feel less alone and hopeless; so do not go berserk. Don’t show fear. Don’t freak out. Assure them of your support, offer hope, provide constant supervision and do not isolate them. Remove potential means of suicide, such as knives, guns, razors, rope and stockpile medicines. Encourage positive lifestyle like walking, exercise, outing, short breaks or even a holiday. But most importantly, Seek PROFESSIONAL HELP for them.  

Some of the big no-nos are to lecture or argue with them. The choice of words is very important. Do not trivialize their situation and use words like ‘get over it’.  Just as you will not tell someone suffering from cancer to ‘get over it’, why say the same to someone suffering from mental health?  The fact that the mind is not visible does not mean that it cannot be broken. Philosophical utterances like ‘suicide should not be an option at any instance’, ‘you have much to live for’, there’s always a reason to live’, ‘even those with nothing are living and manage to smile’, ‘some wish they were in your position’, ‘your life is not that bad’, “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem’, ‘why don’t you look at the brighter side?’, etc, are very unhelpful. Of course, they know all the above, but they have still lost the will to live.

Condemning utterances like ‘suicide is wrong and a selfish way to die’, you’ll go to hell for taking your own life’, ‘those who talk about it don’t usually do it’, your suicide will hurt your family’, ‘you don’t take the pain away, but leave it behind’, suicide is a cowardly act’, etc. This is very insensitive because they are already hurting and in pain. This is the least they need right now; this will make them feel guilty and drive them further in depression.

It is understandable, due to the social stereotype and stigmatization associated with mental health, for those who confide in you to ask you not to share it with anyone. But as much as you have to respect their wishes, you must not promise them confidentiality. It is essential you let them know that they need PROFESSIONAL help and you going to arrange one for them

THOSE LEFT BEHIND

Most people relent on discussing their suicidal thoughts due to the stereotype and stigmatization associated with suicide; thereby, internalizing their feelings and mastering the act of concealing their pain behind an ostensible smile. Coming events usually cast their shadows, but this does not seem to include suicide. Most incidents are often not preceded by any red flags, and family members and loved ones are often shocked to the marrow; even when reasons for taking their lives are explained in a suicide note.

Expectedly, losing a love one to suicide is bound to attract a lot of pain and sorrows, confusion, feeling of betrayal, anger, guilt, social stigmatization and distress. Even where suicide notes are left behind, it still doesn’t take away the pain. Nonetheless, you need to stop blaming yourself that you could not see the signs or do anything to avert the situation. It is not your fault. Just as we are not responsible for other people’s happiness, we ‘may’ also not be responsible for their depression. So please, forgive yourself and try as much as you can to live your life without blame and guilt.

CONTEMPLATING SUICIDE?

It’s okay to fail. "It is impossible to live without failure unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default". J.K. Rowling. Between the time we are born till the time we die, there is something called ‘life’ – and this is full of challenges. We are all different and react differently to challenges. There are some people that no matter how many times life knocks them down, as long as they have life, they will get up, dust themselves and move on, whereas in others, life knocks them once, and that is it for them. Everyone is different. So it’s okay to express your fears; do not internalize your pain.

TALK TO SOMEONE

If you are reading this and have been having suicidal thoughts, you need to ‘accept’ that the thoughts exist – do not pretend you are okay. Do not try to fight it on your own. Do not feel guilty, ashamed or hopeless that you are experiencing these thoughts. There is help available. TALK TO SOMEONE. Find someone you trust. Discuss your feelings and get the support of your own; from a friend, family member, Clergy, Imam, psychologist, or counsellor.

GETTING HELP

If you are in the UK, contact the ‘Samaritans’ on 116 123 / Email [email protected].

If you are a child under the age of 19, contact ‘Childline’ on 0800 1111. If you are in EUROPE, contact the: ‘International Association for Suicide Prevention’ (IASP) on

https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/Europe/.  And if you are in the USA, contact the ‘National Suicide Prevention Hotline’ on 1-800-273-8255.

You can also get in touch with us on https://www.realchats.org/ and we will ‘signpost’ you to the relevant professionals.