The Dynamics of Holding Space : Insights from Action

Holding space is a term that's very new to me. My parents didn't instill it in me, neither did my teachers. It's not like they knew they had to - if I threw a tantrum about the food on my plate - the only two options were that I either eat or I sleep hungry. They were trying to be the best parents Boomers were taught to be.

Holding space is a skill I didn't know I needed to have and to master until about half a decade ago and a skill I've had the chance to practice often in professional spaces only recently.

Over the last few months, coming out of spaces that have involved conflicting perspectives, I have found myself often thinking about how I have been hold space for the others who were a part of the conversation. I often end that string of thoughts feeling I could have done better. My first thoughts are analytical. They do dip into emotions for myself and for others, but much into the conversation. This is also because - empathy, almost to the extent of cradling others and their thoughts seemed to be the only acceptable way to hold space for others. So, if I wasn't doing that a 100% of the time over the conversation, I'd feel like I have made myself inadequately supportive and available to others.

In time, however, I have come to understand that holding space for others is an act that integrates empathy with cognitive engagement, creating a multidimensional approach to support and growth. It cannot be confined to passive listening or emotional consolation; instead, it also involves fostering an environment where individuals are encouraged to think critically, reflect deeply, and explore pathways for personal and intellectual development.

I have noticed how empathy has served as the foundational emotional resonance that allowed me to be a more active listener and in that process attune to the other's experience. This attunement creates psychological safety, where the individual feels validated and seen. However, empathy alone, if unbalanced, may risk reinforcing emotional overwhelm or stagnation. This is where cognition steps in as a complementary force. Cognition involves guiding the person to intellectually process their experiences, enabling them to move beyond mere emotional expression toward structured reflection and actionable insights.

As I reflect deeper, I feel convinced that with empathy and cognition combined, the act of holding space becomes both a nurturing and empowering experience. Here are a few things I am learning as I navigate understanding what 'holding space' looks like for me:

Empathy facilitates emotional safety: By acknowledging and validating emotions without (long-lasting) judgment, you create a secure platform where others feel comfortable expressing themselves. This emotional safety is essential for fostering openness and trust.

Cognition encourages reflective thinking: Once emotional safety is established, cognitive processes can help with analyzing thoughts, identify patterns, and uncover underlying beliefs. Asking reflective questions such as "What do you think this experience reveals about your values or priorities?" can help bridge emotional awareness with intellectual clarity.

Empathy supports emotional regulation: By being present and compassionate, you help others regulate their emotions, allowing them to shift from reactive states to more grounded perspectives.

Cognition promotes skill-building and agency: Encouraging the person to identify skills they might want to develop or strategies they could adopt allows for a forward-looking orientation. For instance, guiding someone to consider, "What strengths can you lean on as you navigate this?" or "What new skills might help you in situations like this in the future?" fosters empowerment.

In this interplay, I have often noticed (when I am able to cognitively engage) empathy acts as the bridge to cognition—softening the edges of vulnerability so that individuals can engage their higher-order thinking processes. Meanwhile, cognition amplifies the impact of empathy by transforming emotional expression into meaningful insights and constructive plans.

This synthesis also respects the agency of the individual. It avoids the paternalistic trap of imposing solutions or prematurely shifting the focus to action without honoring emotional depth. Instead, it gently encourages exploration, self-discovery, and intentional growth, demonstrating that holding space is as much about cultivating resilience and self-awareness as it is about offering comfort.

In essence, holding space becomes an act of co-creation: a shared effort to weave empathy's warmth with cognition's clarity, enabling individuals to process, adapt, and thrive.

Through the process of understanding the complexity of holding space is, I have learned more than I have succeeded. I have taken many steps back for every step forward. I do a few things at a 100% in the process and others not so much. For now, it seems like a while before I get to a point where I am able to strike a balance without losing the core of who I am, and get to a point where I feel satisfied with how I have held space for others. Until then, I will continue looking to the process for guidance and to reflection for learning.

To the ones reading this, I would love it if you could answer one or more of the questions below from your practice -

• How do you see yourself holding space for others?
• How would you like others to hold space for you?
• Are you able to hold space for everyone without biases? How do you ensure that?
• To what extent is vocabulary important as you hold space for others?