DYNAMIC MAPPING & INTEGRATION
What is Dynamic Mapping and Integration? (and why am I so excited about it?)
Dynamic Mapping and Integration is an approach to couples counseling in which couples create a Map of their relationship dynamic. This relationship Dynamic Map is used as a tool to identify, heal and improve problem areas of their relationship.
What is a Dynamic Map?
The Map includes elements from each person’s family of origin, communication styles, conflict areas and reactions. Couples collaboratively identify individual strengths and vulnerabilities and establish goals. They compassionately integrate new pathways to create a happier and more peaceful relationship. Throughout the process, couples construct a visual representation of this information and identify triggers, conflict areas and new, healthier ways to address these.
For the past 23 years, I’ve collected information regarding the practices that work and don’t work in couples counseling. I have studied and implemented pieces and strategies from John Gottman, Harville Hendrix, Sue Johnson and others. Every couple is unique and individual; however, certain themes remain consistent. As I ‘backed the picture up” enough, I began to believe that life is, among other things, a continuous experiment in awareness. The more information you gather and the closer you examine it, the more you find reason in areas that seem to have none and consistency in that which seems inconsistent.
One common theme in couples’ work is that usually both people did something that their partner did not understand the reason for. For example, she cannot understand why he would want to sleep until noon on his days off. He cannot understand why she rushes the whole family out of the door when they are headed to a relaxing day at the local zoo.
People struggle for years with seemingly simple conflicts like this, as well as more complicated misunderstandings. Eventually, they realize that maybe it is best for her not expect anything from him before noon and for him to be ready ten minutes before the agreed upon time!
Learning to differentiate between those ‘Things to Change’ and those ‘Things to Accept’ can mean the difference between a joy or resentment-themed relationship.
Another consistent pattern arose after I began using an exercise from Harville Hendrix’s Imago work. I found that the traumas and unfulfilled needs of childhood almost always played a role in the current relationship….for both people. This was so prevalent, that I could often rely on it in order to gage how much individual work each person had done in healing these wounds! This finding became one of the foundations of Dynamic Mapping. When people realized the traumas and hurts involved in their partner’s struggles and triggers, they were better able to view their partner with compassion and understanding rather than through the lens of anger and impatience as they had done in the past.
“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”— Carl Jung
Another valuable element of the Map is understanding each other’s love language. Gary Chapman’s work on The Five Love Languages has proven to be a valuable piece of successful couples counseling. I have found it to be extremely valuable for people to learn how to give love to one another. In certain relationships it helps ease resentment as people understand each other’s post conflict responses in a new way.
These essential principles and many others are included in the Dynamic Mapping and Integration program. Most often, I have observed that couples are largely unaware of how their different conflict and communication styles work together. They become aware of what didn’t work, but not so much the ‘why’ behind it-- and certainly didn’t seem to have an effective way to resolve it.
With Dynamic Mapping and Integration, couples get the information and understanding they so desperately need to make their relationship work. Wouldn’t it have been fantastic if they had offered relationship classes in high school?! We could learn all the things we never even knew we didn’t know! Fortunately, it’s never too late.
“The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when someone asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer.”— Henry David Thoreau
In this program, the couple collaboratively collects information and works with the therapist to create a visual model of the relationship dynamic which is then used for the integration stage. What works well in this dynamic? What needs to change? This helps couples move away from the idea of who is right and who is wrong that couples so easily fall into, and lets them actually see that it is a dynamic. They see that in trouble areas of the relationship, both people play a role. The dynamic is adjusted to create a better result. Plain and simple. This approach produces less defensiveness, shame and conflict. The program also includes a phone App in which they are able to track conflict, find better responses, and journal their feelings and progress.
Dynamic Mapping helps you understand the 'disconnects' between you and your partner, the dynamic that exists and how to best get in 'flow' with each other. Through a combination of understanding, emotional healing and practical tools to stay on track and re-establish safety, couples will forge a deeper connection and re-ignite passion. ‘Homework' is given to couples that consists of practicing new approaches and tools. It is not enough to just 'know' something intellectually; knowing something in our mind is only part of the outcome. Implementing and practicing new tools and understanding leads to new positive connections and associations which further stimulate harmony and contentment in the relationship.
Your therapist will be:
?Observer
?Teacher
?Bridge
?Transparent
?Genuine
?Up front
?Supporter
?Coach
As client you will be:
?Listened to
?Validated
?Learning
?Given your fair share of time
?Encouraged to bring up anything
?Welcome to show emotion
?Supported in using new language and techniques to express and get your needs met
?Invited to do homework that will yield daily positive results for you and your relationship
?Asked to prepare for sessions by thinking about what you have been working on, your needs, as well as the positives and negatives you observed in your partner
Identifying and understanding our Map leads to working collaboratively to construct new healthy ‘love bridges’. Through consistent patterns of communication, attention, action, compassion and understanding, these bridges are reinforced and kept strong over the course of the relationship.
Tim O’Donohue LCPC
www.Relationshipstore.org
More information about Dynamic Mapping and Integration can be found at www.relationshipstore.org