DX's 8th Birthday - Escaping From Behind the 8 Ball – 8 Years In

I have two children, Dominic and Victoria, who will be 6 and 5 this year. Here are the little munchkins!

I am working hard on being the Dad to my kids that I never had, and the husband to my wife that my Mum never had.

My Dad was a narcissist.

My business is on a mission to wipe out bad leadership, both at work and at home. My Dad was one of the millions of leaders who send their teams home to their families more stressed than when they came. We are not short of bad leaders! Yet building DX has taken an emotional and physical toll on my own well-being.

Founding, owning, and running DX is like having an eight-year-old child. The naughty, uncontrollable bad sheep of the family, pushing me and my family to its limits these last 365 days. The worst 365 days. There were days I wanted to orphan DX and be done with it.

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But there are also days when the fulfillment is so rewarding my smile hurts for days. The lessons are profound.

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Every year I’ve shared my biggest blunders, as an entrepreneur, leader, and parent, so you don’t have to. But also a few of my successes.?

The Funny Story Behind the Name, DX

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Before we begin, let me give some clarity to one of the biggest FAQs I’ve been asked over the last eight years.

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“Alex, what does DX actually stand for? What’s your mission?”

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Ducibus experientia is Latin for Leadership Experience. We create and deliver leadership development experiences. However, every single business name you can think of with ‘leadership’ and ‘experience’ had been registered. I was stuck on a name for weeks.

Until one night I got a little tipsy – probably a Friday! - and for some reason remembered my Latin teacher and how much of an asshole he was. I was thinking about my WHY and the purpose for starting the business; to wipe out bad leadership and reduce the number of assholes and narcissists out there.

My Latin teacher - who shall remain nameless - was one of them. This memory triggered me to see what ‘leadership experience’ was in Latin. Ducibus eXperientia. DX was born. Not the Draper Experience!?

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DX: The Eight-Year-Old Child – What’s it’s Really Like

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With AI now part of our lives, I entered...

“what are some common tendencies of 8-year-olds?”

...into my new friend, ChatGPT. I used the answers to expand on how eight-year-old DX related to those tendencies. ?

ChatGPT’s first response was ‘independence’. Eight-year-olds tend to become more independent and self-reliant. They may start taking on more responsibilities and tasks on their own. Such as getting dressed or completing homework. (My fingers are crossed for Dominic and Victoria!).

Audrey, on my team, said in a recent leadership meeting when asked what the difference was between our 2022 and 2023 team offsite. Audrey said:

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“Alex, this is the first time where I’ve barely heard you talk. You spent more time listening than talking.”

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It was profound and true. For the first time in our brief history, I didn’t feel the need to speak, make decisions, or be in control.

WHY? I’d surrounded myself with people more competent than I. Those in their functional roles, generating their own ideas and making their own decisions. DX was finally becoming independent and self-reliant, versus being reliant on Alex to survive. My team were taking ownership and accountability for their piece of the pie. I don’t have to tie their shoelaces anymore. They now do their own homework.

The journey to get here, however, was terrible.

At our 2022 offsite, we all made promises to take ownership and get me out of the weeds of daily work. The year of ownership. None of those promises were executed on and extreme ownership - great book by Jocko Willink – wasn’t achieved. I was partly to blame. I realized I was a great leader, but a terrible manager.

You need both in balance. I believe people will do their best and all will be good eventually. Sadly, it doesn’t work like that. Our standards slipped. As I wasn’t keeping folk honest to promises made, neither were others. We allowed each other to fail. It became a place too comfortable to work. Psychological safety without high-performance standards = comfort zone. Dangerous!

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Insight:

Surround yourself with leaders, not followers.

Teams need the autonomy to think for themselves. You can’t be thinking for them. I was doing too much of the work, and not thinking about what work needs to be done. I was working IN the business and not ON the business. I let my team down. ?

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ChatGPT’s next answer: Developing social skills. Eight-year-olds are typically more social and enjoy spending time with friends. They form closer friendships and learn how to navigate social situations.

DX has lost a few clients. A few old friends. As our purpose in life, and how we make the world a better place, becomes clearer, building closer friendships with those whose values align with ours has become very apparent.

Some people believe their leaders are perfect and there are no bad behaviors to wipe out. Others don’t want to upset the apple cart. I’ve never been so committed to our cause. People told me to not say “we’re here to wipe out bad leadership”.

Some said folk would get offended if you said “asshole”. Some people tell us not to use the word CARE for our top selling product, instead it’s The CARE Experience?!

I’m Alex and we are DX.

It’s taken me 8 years to get over any imposter syndrome and be comfortable in my own skin and proud of our purpose.

We’re here to wipe out bad leadership and create organizations worth working for. Scientifically speaking, we all suck at leadership. We all need to learn and refine ourselves so that we suck less at leadership. Our brain is a selfish machine designed to keep you alive. Leadership is about being selfless and keeping your team alive. More on that here in this blog: https://www.dx-learning.com/blog/no-one-was-born-an-effective-leader

There were times when I second-guessed what we were doing. As a team we weren’t aligned on our ‘why’. Without clarity of focus, you make it difficult for new and existing customers to thrive. We didn’t hold each other accountable to our playbook. We stopped talking about it. ‘The Advantage’ by Patrick Lencioni is a powerful framework to get thinking about culture and organizational health.

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My lesson is this:

Be clear on your purpose.

Your why. Stand by what you believe in, even when challenged. Be clear. Be focused. Make friends and spend more time with folk who align to your why and values.

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Next from ChatGPT; curiosity and questioning. Eight-year-olds are naturally curious and ask lots of questions about the world around them. They may also start developing a deeper interest in certain topics, like science or history.

As Michael Bungay-Stainer says in his book ‘The Advice Trap’,

“Curiosity is a superpower. Its kryptonite is the advice trap.”

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If there aren’t enough questions from your followers, what happens is a lack of challenging the status quo. I don’t have all the answers. I’m not a hero. I’m perfectly imperfect like you.

What all leaders need are people who say no. People who push back and ask questions. When Dom, my son, asks “WHY DAD?” five times, it gets annoying. But he’s asking because he’s curious. It’s perfectly innocent. He doesn’t know and is seeking to understand. A business is no different. We all need to seek to understand versus be understood. The way I was leading, and the team’s comfort levels, meant we all did what Alex thought was best. I’m not always right!

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Learning:

Make the word ‘no’ OK in your business and teams.

Surround yourself with people comfortable to say no and lead with questions. If you don’t hear ‘no’ in a week, there’ll be problems later down the road.

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‘Improved motor skills’ was next. At eight-years-old, children have better control over their bodies and may excel in physical activities like sports or dancing.

Neurons that fire together wire together. But we had silos and divergent thinking. Clarity was blurry, and when you have too much autonomy without clear expectations = chaos!

You shouldn’t give too much control without first being crystal clear on the expectations and boundaries.

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Redefining Effective Leadership Through 4 Easy Letters

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In the last year, we’ve doubled down on something the market hasn’t been ready for but is fast becoming the next big thing in our industry.

CARE: The Four Essentials of Psychological Safety to Inspire High-Performing Teams.

Back in 2018, a colleague and I attended the Neuro-leadership Institute’s (NLI) annual conference. I had read the book “Your Brain at Work” by David Rock and was intrigued by the connection of neuroscience to building effective leaders. At NLI’s annual conference the SCARF model was talked about a lot. As was psychological safety.

While this wasn’t a new topic, it still wasn’t mainstream. I was instantly connected to the research behind psychological safety and started reading everything I could get my hands on.?From ‘The Fearless Organization’ by Amy Edmondson, to “Psychological Safety: The Key to Happy, High-Performing People and Teams”, by Radecki and Hull.

They all had models.

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SCARF from Rock.

SAFETY from Radecki & Hull.

Set the stage, invite input, and respond productively, by Edmondson.

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They all said the same thing slightly differently. But none shared the simple empathy lens of HOW.

The culture of a team is a mirror of its leader.

Effective teams are a direct result of an effective leader.

To build psychologically safe teams, its leader led. There was no “how” from the lens of a leader. No playbook for how an already stressed, over worked and under-trained manager could grab hold of a tricky subject like psychological safety, and actually “do it" with their team.

These models were either too theoretical, or didn’t have enough application for real-world leaders to use. The industry needed a simple, yet applicable, approach to how any leader, in any business, in any part of the world, could apply tomorrow.

Something agnostic in language and application. CARE was born. Clarity, Autonomy, Relationships and Equity?. For a team to be psychologically safe, it needs those four essentials to exist at personalized levels for each individual in that environment. The new and improved situational leadership the industry needed.

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It took five years to continue to flesh out the work. Make numerous mistakes. Learn and grow with every client interaction.

Then the pandemic happened. The world changed. Culture became even more important and psychological safety is fast becoming the vaccine for our culture, leadership, well-being, and DEI issues. Late in 2022, we decided to fully get behind CARE as THE singular focus of our business. With this singular focus we have something to rally behind and it’s working. Clarity, clarity, clarity. Like an eight-year-old excelling at sport, psychological safety is our sport that we’re excelling at.

Casting your net wide does not give your team the crystal-clear clarity it needs to support a strategy or goal. The more laser-focused you are with WHY you do what you do, and what’s expected, the more you can give autonomy. I gave too much autonomy without the clarity needed. Now creativity is an everyday occurrence.

We are in the process of research to support the hypothesis of the correlation of demonstrating effective levels of Clarity, Autonomy, Relationships and Equity as a leader for your team, that psychological safety, engagement and ultimately performance will increase.

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Proving CARE Works…the Hard Way

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Emotional development. Eight-year-olds are continuing to develop emotionally and may be a little emotional. They may also begin to understand and regulate their emotions better.

When a leader provides the right levels of clarity to those they serve, they can empower their team with the right levels of trust and autonomy. When a team operates with healthy autonomy, leaders can breathe and get their head above the weeds to focus on more mission-critical stuff. It gives the luxury of time. Time to build relationships.

Leadership should be about thinking why you’re doing what you do, what you should be doing, and learning more about the people on the team. That’s how you build relationships. You can’t do that with your head down doing the work. Those relationships give you the data to provide your energy, time, and resources to those who need it most. That’s equity. That’s where true engagement lies, and the secret sauce to psychological safety.

I was under immense stress last year. Trying to be the father my father was not. Trying to be the husband my father was not. Trying to be the leader that I had never experienced. Trying too hard and spread too thin, with a group of people through no fault of their own, not experienced enough to know where and how to step up.

I was emotionally compromised and not able to regulate. I became conflict avoidant. Work became my outlet to cope with the stress of life. My head was down. There was too much autonomy and not enough clarity or empathy to give the team. It was a recipe for a psychological safety disaster.

We had become what we try to help others avoid.

I did realize one promising thing from this psychological safety disaster. CARE works!

Effective teams need effective leaders.

You want a psychologically safe team? The leader needs to set the example. You can’t do that effectively if you’re working IN the business and not ON it, where you’re needed the most.

You cannot expect of others what you are not willing to do yourself.

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Finally, there was ‘developing cognitive skills.’ Eight-year-olds are expanding their cognitive abilities and may become more skilled in problem-solving, reasoning, and critical thinking.

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I’ll end the story on a happy note. The first part of change is knowing you NEED to change. I knew I was the problem, and it was hurting our people and the business’ structure. When you get the right people on the bus with the right ‘why’, it grants the brain space to lean into what a great leader of an effective team can really do when they have the time and energy, solve problems, and even get ahead of the game and fix problems – business or cultural - before they exist.

Human potential, innovation and customer satisfaction are all maximized loads when it’s unleashed through cross-functional collaboration. If you want to be that leader, being cheered for leading your people to better innovation and customer satisfaction, think critically. Be the voice of reason, but also give your team a voice and ensure everyone is included and speaks up.

Silence is the silent killer of psychological safety, culture and performance.

It’s amazing what you can do when you engage your ‘System 2’ brain and look at the bigger picture. If you live in ‘System 1’ too long, with micro-control over the day-to-day you can’t engage and activate what teams need from their leader. To see ahead, build relationships and spend more time thinking about what needs to be done, versus actually doing it.

Leadership is like art, cooking, and golf.

It’s something you can never perfect. You can only get better. This last year, I took a step backwards and then two steps forward. It took a mess to really take a long hard look at my blind spots, figure out a way to both, hire to overcompensate for the blind spot, and some personal development and coaching to improve on my weaknesses and double down on my strengths.

Remember, your brain loves to be mediocre. It loves to do what’s easy for you. That’s how heuristics and biases work. Great leadership is about combating your natural biases and doing what’s right for your team. That’s hard. That’s really hard.

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DX is having its best ever start to a year. I have made many sacrifices to get here. My family being one of them. But I’ve given them more energy and presence than I have before. While we are far from where we will get to, the journey has begun.

A huge thank you to all who have also stood behind us and made sacrifices for our success. Past, present, and future employees. Clients for giving us a chance to prove we’re the next big thing in the industry, and my family for sticking with me during the toughest year yet.

Remember, effective teams need effective leaders. A high performing team is a direct result of a high performing leader. It only becomes a two-way street when there’s psychological safety and your team are in an environment where they can speak up about what’s working so the leader does more of it, and what isn’t working so the leader does less of it. Where team members can be their true selves and go home less stressed than when they came. This is the dichotomy between engagement and results.

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Get that right, and you get your high-performing team. Your engaged team. Your winning results team.