Once upon a time, a guy named Dude fell off his ladder and broke his leg. He called 911.
- Operator: 911. What’s your emergency?
- Dude: I broke my leg.
- Operator: What is your location?
- Dude: Whoa. You’re all business. Last time I called there was an operator with a fun Southern accent. Any chance I could talk to them? We had a great rapport.
- Operator: No. That’s not how emergency services works. We all have the same training and you get who you get. Plus we triage every call. Your address please.
- Dude: Fine. But you have a lot to learn about customer service.?
The ambulance collected Dude and took him to the hospital for surgery.
- Surgeon: Good news, Dude. Your surgery went well. Your next step will be physical therapy.?
- Dude: You’ll handle that too right?
- Surgeon: No. I’m part of the surgical team. You’ll work with a licensed physical therapist who has a different set of skills.?
- Dude: I can't believe you're downgrading me. You have a lot to learn about customer service.?
Dude collects his ripped pants and discharges himself. He visits a tailor a block away.
- Tailor: Sir, are you dropping off some pants?
- Dude: Yes, I need these washed and repaired within the hour.?
- Tailor: That’s not possible sir. The earliest we can do it is Thursday.?
- Dude: But I have an important appointment tomorrow and need them ASAP.
- Tailor: That's not how this shop works. We have customers ahead of you.?We can deliver your pants as good as new by Thursday.
- Dude: Wow, are you rigid. You have a lot to learn about customer service.?
Dude grabs his pants and storms off. He's hangry. He sees a restaurant across the street and stops for lunch.
- Host: Welcome to Happy Buffet. Grab a plate and help yourself.
- Dude: Listen, I’m not into onions and it looks like you have them in your soup. I’m gonna need you to pick each one out for me.
- Host: That’s not how a buffet works, sir. There’s no line because we make large batches of a few popular dishes and diners eat them as is. You're welcome to pick out the onions yourself or skip the soup.
- Dude: Fine. I'll starve. You have a lot to learn about customer service.?
Dude leaves and is exhausted. When he spots a luxury hotel, he checks in for the night.
- Reception: Welcome, sir. Checking in?
- Dude: Yes. I want a suite with a minibar, room service, plus all the movies. And please have someone repair my pants by morning.
- Reception: Of course, sir. Here’s your key. Enjoy your stay.?
- Reception: Checking out, sir? How was your stay?
- Dude: Amazing! Everything was how I wanted it. The room, the food, the entertainment. And housekeeping even repaired my pants! I feel like a million bucks. You could teach others a thing or two about customer service.?
- Reception: Thank you very much, sir. Here’s your bill.?
Dude sees the astronomical charges, faints, hits his head on the marble floor, and goes back to the hospital.
Here’s why I wrote this story for you.?
Over the years, many colleagues and clients have lamented to me how they feel barraged with "feedback" about their “customer service” when that’s not the business they’re in.
While the teams spend their time outlining the process for the Dude-like people of the world to get assistance, they miss the essential opener.
The Dudes of the world default to expect customer service.
Why Dudes expect a customer service model from every interaction is an analysis for another day. For you, the first, most potent information to communicate to Dudes is the model your team uses instead of customer service, so Dude knows what to expect.
Tell Dude the model you use instead of customer service
Let's identify your model.
- Is it a triage model? Here Dude gets anyone on the team and is served based on the severity of need. I’ve seen this model often in HR and IT Help Desks. Articulate the volume of intake that your team manages, so Dudes have that insight.
- Is it a specialization model? Here Dude engages with a variety of players rather than only?(an expensive, high-ranking) one. I’ve seen this model with consulting teams that build discovery, execution, training, etc. layers into their work, and the client feels handed off too much—even if they're going from the right expert to the next.
- Is it a first-come-first-served model? Dudes who are impulsive—beware the word "pivot"—hate when they can’t cut to the front of the line. They’ve already made promises in a vacuum putting someone else (your team) on the hook.
- Is it a self-service model? In exchange for getting stuff ‘n things without a wait, Dudes must use what’s available. Anything they don’t like, they have to adjust themselves. I’ve seen loads of exasperated tantrums aimed at Brand, Comms, and Design teams working hard on assets that Dudes can’t believe they have to apply themselves.
- Is it a full-service-customer-is-always-right model? Then be crystal clear how all that tailored work is going to cost Dude a lot of money and time.
In real life, Dudes escalate as much as they walk away.
Be prepared that if Dude doesn't get what he expects, he might escalate above your head. In this case, you can:
- beat him to the punch. Go to the person he'd escalate to (his boss? yours?) and ask them for advice and/or air cover "just in case he reaches out to you."
- ask him for his reasoning IN WRITING why his thing warrants bypassing everything in place. Maybe it's legit. Usually, it's just impatience.
