Dropping the "F" bomb

My palms were sweaty as I looked at the jury.  They were about to hear some very lurid, disturbing, profane language from the audio recording, in the context of a Mr. Big murder confession.  The problem was,  the language was mine and not the murder suspect's.  

" I would like to apologize up front to the jury and the court about the language you are going to hear.  In my role as an organized crime boss and gangster,  it is necessary for the credibility of my persona to use language that the average person,  and certainly professional,  would not use. "

Rolling his eyes,  I could see the defence lawyer already conceding that he would be in for a challenge.  The muted smiles from the jury and judge told me I had scored a credibility point.  In the high stakes world of murder trials,  witness credibility is often times the most critical part of the evidence.  If the defence lawyer could score points by bringing my credibility into question - by highlighting my offensive and disturbing language - he would.

The crown prosecutor several years later told me I was the only person he knew who could insert the "f" bomb three times into a three syllable word.  

Reflecting on the place, role, and appropriateness of swearing in a professional environment,  and making an intentional choice not to swear ,  has brought forth some interesting discussion among my current colleagues and I.  Leadership credibility can often times hinge on how we express ourselves.  

But this post is not about swearing.  It's about that other "F" word that can be prevalent in the work place,  and if not managed well can lead to some very negative outcomes.  Frustration.  

Frustration in the workplace is normal.  Role clarity is hazy,  prickly personalities push buttons,  dependencies on other departments slow down projects,  mis-communication seems to prevail.  Why,  then ,  do some people seem to manage frustration well and others not?  Successful leaders experience the same frustration as those who are struggling.  They more often than not are able to positively manage the issues,  without having to resort to inappropriate name calling,  contempt for others,  hostility, negative assumptions and, yes, cussing like a sailor in order to make a point.   All tools I used to varying degrees  in my younger years.  The problem is,  they don't work.  They only make the frustrating situation worse. 

Inappropriate displays of anger and aggression ,  close cousins of frustration left unmanaged,  can be career destroying for many.  

Some leadership principles I have learned along the way about managing frustration.  

1)  Frustration needs to be vocalized and acknowledged

Having had numerous discussion with our team members about frustration management it has become almost comical when I ask " How's your day?"  and the response I receive is " I'm  FFFF....rustrated - through gritted teeth with a bit of mirth thrown in for effect ."   Previously resorting to salty language to express their frustration - the joke around our office is " Frustrated is the new " F " bomb."

The ability to express legitimate frustration is  very freeing.  As a leader ,  listening to and acknowledging,  our team's frustrations is a very important part of fostering a positive work environment.  There is nothing more demoralizing than not having valid frustrations acknowledged by our leaders.   

A simple " that's got to be really frustrating."  or " I can understand how that would be very frustrating,  let's see if we can find a solution together"  can be words of strength and hope for our teams.  

2) Unprofessional expression of frustration needs to be challenged

I recently conducted an investigation into an allegation of  workplace harassment made against a senior leader.  The complainant alleged bullying,  harassment, and a toxic work environment.  What the investigation found was the leader in question was not necessarily bullying the complainant,  rather the chosen expression of legitimate frustration was filled with swearing and aggression.  As opposed to stating " this situation is extremely frustrating and I'm trying to figure out what I need to do to help you do your job"  the respondent of the complaint dropped a couple of " F " bombs in voicing his displeasure with the other persons work.  I am reminded of a leadership quote from a book I read long ago:

" A leader has lost the right to lose their temper" 

The leader in question would benefit from a respectful challenge to how they manage their emotions.  One of the foundations of high emotional intelligence is self-awareness,  the second closely related component is self-management.  

"  your frustration is valid ,  the way in which you are expressing it is not acceptable in our workplace"   can be a very sobering discussion.  I often times wish someone would have had that discussion with me in my younger years. 

3)  Expectation management is key to frustration management

Many social psychologists have made the observation " all frustration comes from expectations."  Lower your expectations,  the thinking goes,  and you will no longer be disappointed or frustrated.   As opposed to lowering expectations,  it would seem to be more reasonable to adjust expectations to the situation.  In some cases,  such as the expectations we may have of a pilot who has 200 + souls in his hand,  it is appropriate to have high expectations related to competency and character.   

What about when we hold people to higher expectations than we have of ourselves?  I have often heard people say they have high expectations of themselves and hold people to the same standard,  and I have said it often.  Yet, it can become quite clear we can become quite unaware of our own blindspots and imperfections as we judge others and get angry because their imperfections are different than ours. 

We can either adjust our expectations to the realities of our own and our colleagues imperfections ,  or we can try to adjust the realities to our expectations,  which will only continue the cycle of anger and frustration. 

Balanced and reasonable expectations, viewed through the lens of high self awareness and recognition of our personal imperfections,  can go a long way to managing frustration in the workplace.

Let's Lead Well.